


Absent

by BleedingCoffee



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: 03 event in Brotherhood fic- the taboo- just go with it, AU, Character Death- in an AU 'not dead yet' way, F/M, Gen, Hughes is not dead, Royai - Freeform, i started this to avoid editing a simple 5k chapter and now it's well past 50k, riza-centric fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-15
Updated: 2017-12-22
Packaged: 2018-11-01 04:32:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 67,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10914402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BleedingCoffee/pseuds/BleedingCoffee
Summary: A mysterious incident at Warehouse 13 gives Riza a chance to see what Roy's life would have been like without her.





	1. A Different World

**Author's Note:**

> DIsclaimer: I do not own FMA

 

 

 

 

 

_Absent_

Chapter 1

**A Different World**

* * *

Riza stood in the middle of a dirt patch in the warehouse lot waiting on her dog to dig up his treasures. She was out here with Hayate instead of in the office since the team was exhausted from their ghost hunting adventure last night and the cranky Colonel tried to order her dog to clean up his mess on government property. Annoyed that he would blame her dog for a lost night of sleep, she scooped up her puppy and told him she would do just that. Let them enjoy a day without her in the office, while she enjoyed a day out in the field with her puppy. It would teach Roy a valuable lesson about lashing out at those around him, even if Hayate didn't feel the order was directed at him. Roy's voice was no where near the harsh tone he took with his human staff, however, she could see the kind of day it was going to be with him in _that_ mood and was happy to have an excuse to leave before it began. By noon, he would be out here on his lunch break offering her and her dog and apology in the form of lunch. Until then she would enjoy some time out with Hayate.

Hayate was a excavating fool, happy to obey her orders to seek and find in the dirt lot. She looked around at the warehouses and wondered what building was the famous "Warehouse 13" that had the men so worked up, and when she looked back at her dog the sun reflected off something in the dirt. Riza bent down to see what Hayate had dug up and picked up a coin. It had unrecognizable words on it, almost like the ancient coins they had on display in the history museum, but there was no mistake the symbols on it were alchemy.

She stood up and rubbed it off, trying to see if maybe removing some dirt would allow her to read the text on it. It surprisingly generated a static shock by doing so. Although her father had never formally taught her alchemy, it would have been impossible to not absorb _something_ living in the house with him, especially after Roy came for his apprenticeship. She never had the time to spend studying or working on developing the skill, it was a luxury she simply could not afford if they wanted to survive, however it was hard to deny Roy when he was so excited about it. An enthusiasm that her father tried to crush because alchemy was not "fun" it was serious and a science. She however, couldn't bare to let that joy of his fade away so she made time to study with him.

The runes on the coin were familiar, but the words were of a different language. The coin itself was a interesting method of creating a transmutation circle that she was surprised more alchemists didn't employ. A circle by default, the circle itself would be hard to tear, scratch or break in any way and was more indestructible than say...gloves. Sure it could be dropped or lost, but everything had it's downfalls. The front and back had different circles on them, allowing the alchemist in question to have both at their disposal if they should clap with the coin pressed against their palms. She was actually impressed with the simplicity and practicality of it, and surprised that she had not encountered this method before.

She put it in her pocket and waited for her pup to dig up something else on his treasure hunt. When he finally tired himself out she looked at her watch and determined it was best to go back to work now. Hayate would need some water and she might need some as well to put out fires in the office. As much as she wanted to wait it out, the fear of what was, or was not, getting done in the office made her unable to stay away much longer. She picked up her puppy and brushed off his paws and then walked back to HQ.

When she reached the door to the main office she set the pup down and then checked her pocket to make sure the coin was still there. She pulled it out and opened the door and walked in, surprised when everyone was working and they looked at her briefly before going back to work. The Colonel was on the phone and she walked over to his desk to show him the coin, but Ed burst in and distracted her.

"Hey, Roy!" Ed ran up to the desk and put his notebook down on it for the man to see. "Look, we made a discovery!"

"I'll call you back Hughes." Roy said and set the phone back in it's cradle to see what Ed was sharing with him. "What did you find? And where is your brother?"

"Trying to give someone a cat he found." Ed said and pointed to his notes. "That lead you gave us panned out. We've made some progress, huge progress! Can you come with us?"

"I have my work caught up, I don't see why not." Roy said and then remembered there was another person in line for his attention. "Lieutenant, is there something I can help you with?"

Riza wasn't sure what to make of the friendly interaction between Roy and Ed, nor his good mood. Or the fact that her puppy was whining because his water bowl was missing. The office was quiet except for the sounds of pens tapping against the table. Then there was the nameplate on the desk that said " _Lt. Colonel_ Mustang" and she knew he had thrown that out when he was promoted to full Colonel. Her own desk was noticeably missing. Although the team was fond of a good prank, they never played on on her and Roy never would either.

She walked to his side of his desk, like she always did, and he sat upright someone surprised by this invasion of personal space. Ed put his hand over his notes and slid his notebook off the desk. She then noticed Roy's desk and all the pictures. So many pictures! Pictures of Roy and the Elrics _at their house_. Pictures of him and a man with blond hair, beard and glasses. A picnic with the young Elrics and Rockbells and even Tricia Elric. The usual picture of him and Hughes at their graduation. One group photo of the team and she was noticeably absent, but there were additions...like an affectionate hand on Ed and Al's shoulders as they knelt in front of the Colonel.

"Lieutenant? Is there something you need?" Roy repeated.

She felt it now, the way they all looked at her and the way the office just felt 'off'. Hayate was practically sitting on her foot, he sensed it too. The men listened in and sent a few glances her way, curious but not in the way they usually smirked and nudged each other when she stood beside their commander. She finally looked Roy in the eyes and she saw him studying her, in the way he scrutinized individuals he didn't know in order to size them up. He could never _not_ look at her and hide the warmth he felt, even in his worst moments his eyes always betrayed him. Right now, they spoke volumes. He had no connection to her whatsoever. "I...have an alchemy related question."

They both relaxed little when she opened her hand and showed them the coin. Alchemists still, no matter what else was going on here. She couldn't help but feel this coin was the reason for all this so when Roy went to grab it from her she closed her hand around it. "What can you tell me about this?"

"Xersesian writing." Roy said. "I haven't seen that since my apprenticeship."

Riza felt the hairs on her neck stand up. Her father never had an interest in or researched anything from Xerxes.

"I'm sorry Lieutenant, who sent you to me with this?" Roy asked and watched her for a reaction.

She felt like she wanted to cry. He showed no recognition whatsoever, he had no idea who she was. Ed was eyeing her suspiciously and Havoc was even preparing to come over and escort her out if given the word. However she gripped the coin harder and said, "Perhaps I am asking the wrong person then. Should I redirect this to the man you apprenticed under?"

"Van Hohenheim?" Ed scoffed. "Good luck with finding that dead beat. If you find him I have plenty I want to ask him too."

Riza took a step back. She needed to figure out what the hell was going on. This was not what she intended when she left this morning and wanted them to see what it would be like without her in the office. "My apologizes sir, sorry to bother you."


	2. Absent

 

 

 

 

_Absent_

Chapter 2

**Absent**

* * *

Truth be told, Riza had often considered what Roy's life would have been like had he not apprenticed with her father. It was something that was difficult to not think about when he woke up in the middle of the night from nightmares about the war; how his life would have been different had he never become the flame alchemist, had never met her. She knew that was the only way to deny him that research because she really did believe that it could do good back then and she only trusted one person to do good with it. It condemned them both to a life of regret. She believed with all her heart Roy would find the good in that damned research, just like he had when he showed up in her life the first time, and maybe make her feel like her lost childhood was worth something. She regretted what it had done to him, but doubted her ability to change the course of her actions if done again.

To save him, she would have to not be in his life at all and now that was a very real possibility.

"Lieutenant!"

She turned quickly hearing his voice, hearing the urgency and hoping it was finally time for this joke to end. Roy simply closed the door to the office and walked over, the look on his face said he was more concerned about the coin getting away than her.

"That coin, why did you come to me about it?"

It was an accusation. Even without her in his life he must have still managed to get involved in something political in the military. It was impossible not to, but she wondered how much he really knew. How much Ed was tied up in. She could see plain as day that he felt like he was being tested and he was trying to intimidate her with the look he was giving her. She resented that and locked eyes with him. "You're a famous alchemist."

"I..." He paused, not sure how to admit to a officer of her pay grade that he was not even close to that. He really didn't want to vocalize that admission to himself either. "I hope you're trying to flatter me and are not being serious. Bio-electricity is hardly enough to keep me certified."

She saw it in his unwavering eyes, how he was searching for a tell of her lying or something he could use to gain the upper hand here. The coin was enough to send him out here after her, she had to give him a reason to not demand it be surrendered to him. Especially after she failed to answer his next question which would be...

"I'm sorry Lieutenant, I don't recall seeing you around here before. Exactly who do you report to?"

"I'm sorry Colonel, I...think you're selling yourself short on the importance of your studies." He didn't know her, but she still knew him. Roy might have had a different history and career path but she still knew the man at the center of it all and she knew how he thought. She looked away and brushed her bangs from her eyes and pretended to conceal her embarrassment. She lowered her voice and said, "I studied a little alchemy when I was younger and I am a fan of your work. I apologize, I was trying to use this coin I'm researching as a way to get to know you better I thought perhaps..you might want to get some coffee and talk about this coin sometime? I'd like your take on it. Famous might have been the wrong world...I guess telling you I have admired you from a distance sounded a little too forward."

"Oh." Roy said and then realized what she was actually hitting on him. " _Oh!_ "

"I'm sorry, sir. I was out of line." She said and turned to walk away knowing it would prompt a quick, not a carefully thought through, reply from him. This was a classic move from Roy's book of seduction that he often tried on her and using it against him was actually more satisfying than she thought it would be.

"No...coffee sounds great." He was surprised by how taken he was with her when she turned to look at him and he actually _looked_ at her for who she was instead of defensively; a beautiful military woman interested in alchemy and him. Ed was probably on the phone with Hughes right now telling him about this woman who just came into his office and showed him some old coin and Hughes was probably screaming about how fucking blind he was to women coming on to him. "I have something I need to work on this afternoon with a friend but..."

"Dinner?" She asked and he actually seemed caught off guard. He was blushing! "Will you have dinner with me?"

"I...um...sure?" He said and she smiled at him, it warmed him like he never thought a stranger's smile could. She had the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen. God. Maybe he _was_ blind.

"Meet you here around 1800?" She said and then realized she needed to leave before his shock wore off. She didn't know what role she played in this reality and if she told him her name, he would be on the phone with Hughes in two minutes doing a background check.

"Ok." He replied and then she looked at her watch and gasped.

"I have to get going, I'll see you then sir." Riza turned and marched off down the hall with long strides and presence that made people get out of her way. Hayate trotted along beside her. She had a few hours to figure out who she was and who he was before meeting him and figuring out what this damned coin was. Then she coudl figure out where the hell she was.

"Roy?" Al asked as he walked up as the lady and her dog left. "Who was that?"

"I have no idea." He answered and watched her disappear around the corner and out of view. "I have a date with her tonight though."

"Wow! Really? I'm _really_ proud of you!"

"Don't sound so surprised. I'm more than capable of dating...I just don't." Roy huffed and turned to go back to his office. He opened the door and Ed was in his chair, on the phone. "God dammit."

"What's her name?" Ed asked as soon as he appeared.

"He doesn't know." Al said and walked over to the desk, he could hear Hughes hollering on the other end. "Give him a break, this is a major break through. He has a date!"

"I'm sorry that I spend all my spare time trying to help you with your research." Roy grumbled and the men all stood up at once and he braced himself for what was coming.

"Round of applause!" Havoc bellowed. "Our boy is finally growing up!"

Ed grinned and returned to his conversation with Hughes "She basically had to lure him into it with a alchemy artifact that looked like something from the gift shop at the history museum! He ran after her like a dog after a ball."

"She has a dog too!" Al shouted at the phone.

"Do you want me to help you with your research or not?" Roy asked and Ed put his feet up on his desk and gave him no choice but to sit on the corner and endure the mocking.

"Nah, I think it's legit." Ed replied to Hughes and ignored Roy who was poking at his foot with his pen. "I just hope he doesn't get more distracted by the alchemy research and ignore the lady holding it."

" _Is she hot?"_ Hughes screamed.

"Yes." They all shouted.

" _What's her name?"_

"He didn't ask." Al leaned over towards the phone as he replied. The disappointment was evident in his voice.

" _Roy! What the hell!"_

"Women throwing themselves at him and he's more interested in studying alchemy circles instead of fondling something circular." Havoc snorted and wiped away a fake tear. "Proud of you Chief, really proud of you for salvaging that."

"I hate all of you." Roy mumbled and got his coat. His pride wouldn't let him admit she asked him out. He yanked his coat off his chair and slapped Ed with it as he dragged it over him. "I guess you don't want my help getting your damned bodies back then. I'll just focus on my own selfish biological needs from here on out."

"Ok Hughes, I'll call you with an update later. " Ed said and smiled at his brother. "Al and I have to make sure Roy is back in time for his date tonight with Lieutenant Mystery."

Roy stormed out of the office and heard cheering again and rolled his eyes. It's not like he wasn't capable of dating, or didn't have the desire to meet someone, he just didn't have the time. He had dedicated himself to helping Ed and Al recover their bodies and he wasn't exactly in a point in his career where he felt like he was a major prize. He was married to his job and when he wasn't at work he was working on a solution for the boys. Hughes pushed him to find someone, but he knew he couldn't be that selfish until he helped Ed and Al fix their mistake. Something he should have been there to stop. That was on him and he genuinely didn't feel right moving on until they could do the same.

Ed and Al left the office and watched Roy "storm" down the hall pretending like he was just going to leave them behind and go out to lunch without them. That was the furthest thing from the truth and they all knew it. He had come back into their lives the day after their failed human transmutation and stayed there since, wanting to help them find a way back to their bodies and putting aside too much to help them achieve that. They knew he blamed himself for not checking in with them before they could perform the taboo, thinking he could have talked some sense into them. At that time he had been busy working on his certification, a difficult thing during a war when the State Alchemist program was looking for human weapons and not medical advancements. They didn't blame him, nobody did, but Roy Mustang just wanted to protect everyone and they really hoped he could learn to think about himself for a change.


	3. Finding Myself

 

 

 

 

_Absent_

Chapter 3

**Finding Myself**

* * *

Riza's first stop was the personnel department. She went about her business with authority and nobody questioned her even though she could see them thinking about it. She filled out the necessary forms for _more forms_ which was in no way a security risk and would send the receptionist to the supply closet to fetch them. It would allow the young woman to avoid asking the scary Lieutenant "By who's authority? _"_ she was asking for information, which was surely a relief for them both. However while she waited she had every intention to slip behind the desk, check the directory to see who was working in East HQ and also check the file cabinet for a file on herself which would list her clearances. That would tell her if she worked here at all. Then it was on to the library to see what she could learn in a few hours.

Unfortunately, great plans rarely saw execution on the field of battle. No sooner did the receptionist disappear than the door opened and Rebecca Catalina entered with a stack of folders under her arm and looked right past her to see if the office was staffed or not. For Roy to not recognize her was one thing, for her best friend who she shared the rest of her private thoughts was another. For Rebecca to not even acknowledge her confirmed her fears: she simply did not exist in their lives. Rebecca would have at least recognized her from the academy, she never forgot a face, which meant that she never went to the academy.

Rebecca slapped the folders on the counter and looked to the supply closet door and raised her voice to be heard. "Marcy, can you take these so I can get to the range while Grumman is in a meeting?"

So her grandfather was still in command here. Rebecca still worked for him. Roy was here with the Elrics but wasn't the Flame Alchemist he was...something else. She was not in any of their lives. The information she was searching for was acquired and she no longer needed to sneak around to find it. "I need to be getting back to work as well. Can I come pick up those forms later?"

Marcy came out of the supply closet relived. "That would be great Lieutenant."

Riza turned to leave and Rebecca gave her a smile of gratitude, but without anything else behind it. Just a simple smile thanking a stranger for making her workday a little easier. As she moved Hayate moved with her and Rebecca couldn't help but notice.

"Bring your dog to work day?"

"He's in training to be a service dog." Riza explained. With that she left the office and decided to leave HQ and head to the library. She felt around in her pocket for change as she was going to have to make a call on the way. The fact that she wasn't in Roy's life made sense when he apprenticed with Van Hohenheim. Not knowing Rebecca meant she was not in her class at the academy. She needed to call her home town and see if she still lived there, the postmaster would know if there was still someone at the old Hawkeye place or where he forwarded mail to. She'd get answers as to her own moves from the paper trail at the post office, however she already knew one thing and that was she didn't join the military.

It made sense. Roy had been her main reason for going to the academy, he had inspired her to take that direction. Roy with his noble intentions and selfless proclamations had made her see a purpose in life that would make use of her skills and teach her a profession. She saw him as someone worth protecting and the life she lived worth forgetting. She could start over and never look back. However without Roy to show her that, without him planting that seed in her mind she wouldn't have considered herself army material. She would have only had her father's opinion on the military and that was overwhelmingly negative.

The other prevailing fact was that if Roy wasn't in her life than there was nobody to trust with what she had tattooed on her back unless her father found another apprentice. Even then he had denied so many and she saw so few alchemists with Roy's integrity and intelligence, she doubted that was the case. You simply did not find alchemists of Roy, Ed and Al's caliber often... if at all. So the tattoo...was still hidden. She knew the weight of this burden, how she has to always think about hiding that tattoo, and if there was nobody she felt safe giving it to than she was probably still hiding from the world at home. Without a motivation to leave, without someone to share this secret with she was still Berthold Hawkeye's daughter and not the Riza Hawkeye she allowed herself to become.

All this time she faulted herself for what she had done _to_ Roy with this secret and never considered what he had done _for_ her along the way. Equivalent exchange. Friendship. Loyalty. Trust. Encouragement. Purpose. Love. All came with a price, but what of value was gained without losing something? They lost their innocence and naivety in the war, they gained a better view on the truth and a drive to change the wrongs of this country. Without that pain, without that horror...they would have never embarked on this road.

She left the building and caught sight of Roy getting in his car with Ed and Al teasing and laughing beside him. He was a different man, not burdened by the past that tarnished his belief in alchemy, not the weapon of destruction that made him question himself so much. He was lighter, more like the boy she knew back in their youth, able to enjoy the day and actually interact with the boys instead of push them away. As he got in the car and drove off, she was assured it was still Roy Mustang because he made a U-turn in the middle of the road and ran over a trash can on the sidewalk before squealing tires and taking off.

She wondered if he ever saw war. If his alchemy was, by his admittance, barely enough to stay certified than he would not have been sent to the front. He was still brilliant and observant and friends with Maes, that could have lead him to question a lot. She had to remember it wasn't just the war or Ed's findings that lead them down this path, there were many signs that things were not as they seemed. Towns they visited that resented the military for good reason. Places, like Liore, where the only way you could not see the problems was to not look at it. He could have been suspicious of her just because she walked into his office and he never saw her before in his life! There was more to it though, more to just politics and ordinary military back-stabbing. She saw that in his eyes and she knew when he was trying to read a person.

Riza and Hayate made their way down the street and found a telephone booth they could use to call the town she grew up in. Hayate came in the booth before she closed the door and started sniffing the ground and checking out the smells. She couldn't help but wonder what happened to him in this alternative reality. Did he find a home? Roy wouldn't have taken him, he was more than aware of his lack of time no matter what his rank, and nobody in the office wanted him. She was honestly just happy she had him with her and wasn't alone. She picked up the phone and called the operator.

" _Operator. How can I help you today?"_

"I would like to make a call to the post office in Frenau, East City Region." Riza replied and took the coins out of her pocket. The coin on top was the odd one from the warehouse yard, the one that started this mess. Or so she hoped.

" _Please hold."_

Now that she had time to look at it she wondered what kind of metal it was made of. It looked like it had a reddish tint, maybe copper or a red brass. Ed and Roy had reacted first to the writing which meant that it was the most bizarre detail of the coin and not the circle. She wanted to blame this coin but the fact of the matter was that she was not an alchemist and could not activate it, so how could it possibly be at fault for this alteration in her reality?

" _That will be 100 Cenz, ma'am. Please deposit the money and I will connect your call."_

Riza put the coin away to make sure it stayed safe and then put her change in the phone to pay for her call.

" _Thank you, please hold."_

She hoped that she would find out that this version of her had struck out on her own and made a life for herself, however she knew all too well how oppressing it was to live in that house with her father. She was independent and far from helpless, but she was also happy alone and was never far from accepting the recluse life that her father resigned himself to. She really had no reason to want more or have a reason to trust anyone.

" _Frenau Post Office, how can I help you?"_

"Hello, I cam calling from Eastern Headquarters and I am trying to track down an alchemist named Berthold Hawkeye? Can you tell me if he is a resident of your town before I make the trip out to see him?" Riza asked. She knew her father had to be dead by now, but sometimes indirect questioning provided the best results. People felt obligated to give you something after delivering bad news but were somewhat suspicious when asked directly for what you wanted.

" _Oh I'm sorry ma'am, Mr. Hawkeye died a few years ago."_

She stayed silent and made sure to make a loud, audible sigh.

" _However his daughter did remain in his house until it burnt down a few years later. She's living in the old barn now, fixed it up and comes into town for supplies if you want me to pass on a message to have her call you? She does mail a lot of books. I think she's selling off the old man's collection through the mail through a used book seller in East City. Smart girl that Miss Hawkeye, I'm sure if there is something alchemy related she could answer it for you."_

Riza had to admit it made sense. Stay home, sell off his precious collection that he valued more than her or basic human needs and then move into the loft of the barn where she felt the safest and the most at home. She could remain detached by using a book store as a middle man, keeping alchemists from coming to look for the flame alchemist's research while also giving her the needed income to invest in the farm and provide for herself. However there was the implication of more. "Is she an alchemist?"

" _Yes, actually."_ The postmaster said proudly. _"Helps a lot of people around here, barters since money is tight for everyone. What we all hoped her father would be when he moved here and we're glad Miss Riza turned out to be that kind of alchemist. For the people, you know? In a town like ours, it really helps a lot."_

"Thank you sir, you have been a great help." She hung up before he could ask if she wanted to leave a message. She was reeling from the information. She wasn't expecting that. An alchemist? _Her?_ Sure she had wanted to try but she never had time to spare for studies and she could never wanted to attract her father's attention. To ask him to teach her alchemy would have been more traumatizing than allowing him to brand her with his secrets. She feared him and knowing how critical and difficult he was when Roy was studying under him made her wonder how she ever survived being his student. She never had the inclination to study because inviting her father's disapproval would have made her life more miserable. Studying on her own...was not a viable option. She had too much work to do.

So how did the absence of Roy in her life at all send her down this path?

This was _her_ life and she couldn't comprehend the turn it had taken. She couldn't understand how this version of her could succeed in the situation she was placed in. Roy coming into her life had given her a connection to another human being that she lost when her mother died and her father was incapable of. Roy encouraged her to stop hiding herself from everyone, he made her smile and realize there was a world for her out there when she could finally leave her father's house. He pushed her father's paranoia back into the shadows and assured her there were good people in this world. Roy leaving after his apprenticeship had been the catalyst for so much. She wasn't afraid of being herself anymore, she didn't feel like she wasn't wanted or appreciated, she was actually looking forward to what life might hold. It wasn't all about worrying about the bills or the harvest, she made time for herself and it made her feel worth something. However...Roy had been hope for _both_ of the Hawkeyes and if there had been no Roy than her father was without a promising alchemist to pass his legacy on to.

And it suddenly made sense. She hadn't chosen to be an alchemist, she was not given a choice. Without a youthful and mold-able talent at his doorstep, her father had turned to his only other option: his daughter. Just like he did before, but instead of using her as a notebook he used her as the student that he couldn't find.

Riza was suddenly overwhelmed with the thought of that, how terrified she must have been of the prospect of having to learn alchemy under those conditions. With her father failure was not an option, nor was approval and encouragement. After years of ignoring her he suddenly would have found a reason to take pride in her and that would only mean holding her to a higher standard than anyone else because she was his child. A standard that was already impossibly high.

The only good thing would be that maybe she avoided being scarred by this tattoo, although in true sense of equivalent exchange, would have still been scarred by the process of learning her father's alchemy. She tried to help the people of her town, but remained far from human contact on the property where she spent her life. That told her everything because she understood the rationale better than anyone. Alone by choice, alone because her father would have drummed into her how dangerous his alchemy was and how she was entirely responsible for how she used it.

She went from trusting Roy to trusting no one. She doubted very much that the house burning down was accidental, because destroying it was no different than destroying the tattoo with the flames that were born of it. The fear of discovery was a burden that weighed too much and she would be rid of it no matter how much pain it caused.

There still was a Flame Alchemist, it just wasn't Roy Mustang.


	4. First Date

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Absent_

Chapter 4

**First Date**

* * *

"Stop." Roy said as Ed straightened his collar one more time and Al towered above him trying to fluff his hair so it fell right. He could just end this by standing up as Ed probably wouldn't be able to reach that high, but he knew how sensitive Ed was to his height and things like that just made him frustrated. Frustrated enough to climb on his desk and continue to fuss with his uniform like they were prepping him for inspection, so he just stayed put.

"Look, she's military. You have to impress her with your adherence to protocol and shit." Ed said and then started to buff Roy's Lt. Colonel starts with his own sleeve. "Especially since so many officers with your rank are total dicks. You can't use that over her."

"Especially since you got your promotion from Major to Lieutenant Colonel by enlisting a 12 year old in the military." Al said and stood back to look at his work. What was the deal with Roy's hair? How could it be so messy and unmanageable but still look so good? "Don't mention that. It sounds really bad when I say it out loud."

"What happens when he brings her home tonight and you boys are waiting in the living room?" Havoc asked and enjoyed the show. "You going to have _that_ conversation on date one? The "Oh yeah my alchemy teacher's kids live with me so I can help them get their bodies back because they performed the taboo?" talk?"

"I like that in your mind it's harder to talk about having roommates but easier to talk a stranger into a one night stand." Roy said and Al tried to flatten down a stray hair.

"You've met Breda right?" Havoc asked. "He walks out of his pants as soon as he opens the door. Any conversation is easier than 'Why there is a naked dude on my couch covered in chips and pistachio shells'."

"We don't have to be home." Ed said. "We can go to the library."

"I'm not bringing a woman home on the first date!" Roy said and finally stood up. "I think she's just trying to use me to get information about that coin."

"Maybe she wants to study some _bio_ -alchemy _under_ you." Breda said and winked. "That's your specialty. She wants to feel a tingling sensation because of your touch."

"Stop." Roy said and backed up, shoved his chair out of the way and straightened out his own pants before someone could point out they were rumbled from sitting down.

"No, leave the weird fold of fabric by your crotch." Havoc said. "Pretty hard to not have your eye drawn in by that advertisement of goods. Work your assets Mustang, because you work too damned much to ever have an opportunity like this again unless we start parading available women through your office."

"We could." Breda said and shrugged. "We can post flyers."

"Everyone, go home." Roy snapped.

"We want to see you happy." Al said and tried one more time to fix Roy's hair but got a glare than made him put his hand down. "She has a dog! You love dogs!"

"She also was forward enough to ask you out on a date." Havoc said. "We know you like commanding women."

Roy sighed. Why he let that slip under interrogation was beyond him.

"She studied alchemy." Ed said and gave him a thumbs up. "You'll never run out of things to talk about!"

"Are you all just ignoring the fact that we have no idea who sent her here and she showed up with some mysterious coin?" Roy asked. "That doesn't seem suspicious?"

"Roy, we're uncovering some weird shit about our government but I seriously doubt they'll be so desperate to find out what you know they'll tap into the 'coin collector' niche market for undercover work." Ed said. "Can you stop making excuses and just go with it? You're not getting any younger and dating your Mom's prostitutes is a little weird. That's what serial killers do."

"I don't have time." Roy hissed and shoved the chair at Ed. Then there was a knock at the door and they all froze. "Shit."

"Ok, act natural." Havoc whispered and he and Breda scrambled in opposite directions and tried to appear like they were filing things. He wasn't sur what he was looking for in the nearly dead fern, but he grabbed a moldy cup of coffee off the filing cabinet and pretended to water the plant.

Ed and Al just looked at each other and shrugged. Ed turned towards the door and hollered, "Come on in!"

Roy groaned. This was _his_ office and his teenage employee/foster kid was playing secretary while Havoc poured congealed coffee on the fern, Falman put blank envelopes in the budget report binder, Breda polished a picture of the Fuhrer with his napkin and Fuery scribbled so fast he looked like he was faking writing like Elicia Hughes. _Of course_ it was his mystery Lieutenant at the door and she locked on to every one of these idiots acting out of the ordinary. "Lieutenant, you're back!"

She stopped and looked at him hopefully, hoping that it was really Roy saying that and she was back to normal and this nightmare was over. Except he looked embarrassed. She was not met with that look of "You're going to be mad but I'll just play it off as being a flirty man-whore Colonel" smirk that followed his occasional antics, but with the clear as day look of "Holy shit I can't believe I was that transparent, shit..fuck..damn" grimace. How...was he bad with flirting? _How!?_ How did this make him more adorable?

"I mean...I'm almost finished here." Roy said and tried so desperately to salvage that.

"We got it covered, Chief." Havoc said and casually, too casually, waved him away. It looked like he was auditioning for a bad stage play. Breda wasn't helping, he was standing there admiring the Fuhrer's picture like it was an exhibit in an art gallery. Meanwhile the week old coffee sludge dripped down the crispy fern leaves and the smell of rotten milk started to reach his nose.

"Yeah, we'll just hang out here for a while and finish up my report." Ed said and sat down in Roy's chair. "And then I'll head over and type it up. It will take me a few hours. Probably won't be home until...2100?"

"2200." Al said. "We have to type two copies."

"Yeah, so we'll just order take out and see you at home later." Ed said and opened up a notepad, pulled a pen out of the desk and started writing. He started to write down the exact words Roy had just used for his report to Hughes in a few minutes.

Ed...typing his report? Roy letting him use his favorite pen at his desk? They _lived together_? Riza was pretty sure accepting that she was the Flame Alchemist was easier than digesting the news that Roy was actually fostering the Elrics in some capacity and they all were OK with this arrangement.

"Did you want us to dog sit, Lieutenant?" Al asked. "I have experience. We have cats."

And it got weirder. Roy had _cats in his house?_

"Looks like that puppy Fuery found, but I guess all dogs kinda look alike." Breda narrowed his eyes at the dog.

"Tasty?" Havoc chimed in.

"Evil." Breda replied and glared at Al. No dogs. NO dogs.

"You have a friend with a Shiba?" Riza asked. "I'd love to talk with another fan of the breed."

"I gave the dog to Lt. Colonel Maes Hughes. For his daughter." Roy said proudly. Really he gave the puppy to Elicia and there was no taking it away without her crying. Hughes didn't speak to him for a week. It was the greatest victory he had ever known. He could go over and play with the dog instead of being awkward with the kid. Best...decision...ever. Then in a burst of just unabashed idiocy he practically sang, "I love dogs!"

Riza smiled and Hayate stood up and wagged his tail. "I'll shoot you if you try to spoil him and feed him scraps under the table at dinner."

Roy cocked his head. _How_ did she know he'd try that. He was about to turn to get his coat but Al was there and draping it over his arm. God, he felt like he was going to prom and his family was telling him to not screw up his future. He tried to be the considerate commander and not leave his people working in the office while he went out on a date, "Go home. All of you. Work is done, we'll be back at it all tomorrow."

Riza was amazed at how different things were in this office without her. They got their work done, the boys were happy and safe and Roy was actually smiling. Her research at the library had told her everything she really wanted to know: Roy never went to war, it was just a war that started and ended without any contribution from Mustang or Hawkeye. It lasted a bit longer and there were more causalities, but not overwhelming so. Nothing that said that their presence, or lack there of, made a _huge_ difference. There were names in the papers though, casualty lists and she saw names that shouldn't have been there. Names of people she saved from afar and names of men in Roy's unit who were wiped out in an ambush. Those names...were hard to read. From the outside it didn't look like their participation did anything, but those names meant it destroyed a few people that could have been saved. She had no idea how to weigh lives in that matter, the Ishvalians the they had killed were possibly still alive even if the Amestrian soldiers didn't survive.

"Lieutenant?" Roy asked as he noticed she suddenly became distant.

"Colonel, I'm sorry, sometimes I have a hard time leaving work as well." She said and turned to open the door for him. "Shall we?"

* * *

The novelty of having dinner with Roy in public was certainly not lost on her. Not one bit. Even if he was oddly jovial and they didn't talk about work at all he was still normal to converse with. She had enjoyed walking down the hallways of East HQ seeing the jealousy and surprise as he talked about restaurants and onlookers wondered who this lucky woman was that got the Colonel to go on a date. He had the most delightful smile as he repeated her name when she finally told him then he almost killed them both as he drove across two lanes of traffic on his way to the 'perfect bistro'.

Once the car was parked, poorly and possibly illegally, they settled down to eat in an outdoor cafe so Hayate could eat with them. Her dog already had two dinner rolls and was firmly planted at Roy's feet. He was chipper, talking about how he gave Hughes the Shiba Inu Fuery found. He wanted a dog all his life, but knew it wasn't fair for the dog. Roy showed her pictures of his fluffy nephew being hugged by a happy girl in pig-tails. Elicia loved the dog and he spent his time at tea parties wearing ridiculous hat and the rest of the time passed out on the Hughes's couch. Hayate was happy and fat, poorly trained and in charge of the Hughes household. He was also named 'Blackie'.

"Riza?"

"Roy?" She replied. Oh, how sweet it was to say it in public without fear. So this was what it felt like to not have to hide everything in fear of fraternization laws. He smiled at her, my god he was just adorable. This was what it felt like to be normal. She loved candlelit dinner in secret, but she always knew Roy wanted to show the world what she meant to him. He wanted people to pass by, like they were doing now, and notice two people completely lost in each other's presence and enjoying every second. It was nice. Even if they had just met and he was simply trying to impress her with his humanitarian effort to completely spoil her dog.

"Are you a fan of quiche? They have amazing quiche here."

Oh god, that _damned quiche_. Clearly that didn't change. "I have never been a fan. I made it a lot growing up. We always had excess eggs and vegetables so it was a cheap meal for us."

"Where did you grow up?" Roy asked curiously.

"Frenau." She said and he lit up with recognition of it. Well, no avoiding it now. There was only one reason he would know of that town. "Oh, you've actually heard of it?"

"I..yeah." He said and wondered if this was coincidence. That, he believed, was highly improbable and it worried him a little. "I went to meet an alchemist there when I was trying to find someone to apprentice with. A Berthold Hawkeye. Did you know him?"

"He was my father." She said and he looked surprised.

"I...had no idea he had a daughter." Roy said.

Riza was expecting him to call her an impostor, not that. How did he _not_ know? She had been the one to answer the door that day. "Did he interview you?"

"No, he demanded I show him something on the doorstep, right then and there and I guess fixing the handrail wasn't good enough. He told me to find a carpenter to teach me if that's what I wanted to do and slammed the door in my face." Roy sat back and marveled at the fact that this beautiful woman was related to _that_ man. Genetics were absolutely amazing.

That was _not_ how it happened. Not in her life, not in their lives. She answered the door and Roy was there with his foster mother. Her father was in the study, as always. She invited them in and offered them some tea while she talked to her father, or talked him into coming out to meet with Roy. They needed the money and Roy seemed like he was nice enough to pass her father's initial inspection. When he came out, Roy had already repaired all the chips in the cups with alchemy without spilling a drop of tea. Usually her father was so critical of motivations of students that he saw 90% of them to the door, but that young man had restored his dead beloved wife's tea set and he was impressed with the work. Even if he never said anything, she had seen it in the way he reacted, and burned that rare moment into her memories. Her father never dared touch the china for fear of ruining something her mother loved, he would have seen his own flaws in the cups if he did it. Roy's work was flawless and some surge of sentimentality surfaced and her father let them stay long enough to hear Chris Mustang's sales pitch. However, if he opened the door first nobody would have been able to talk him into at least giving Roy a chance to impress him. Roy was probably about ready to start asking her questions so she changed the subject. "You apprenticed with that young man's father instead?"

"Ed? Yes." Roy was trying to get his head around this but could easily divert the conversation back later on. "My foster mother was so pissed off by your father that we went home. Turns out one of the girls that worked for her had to bring a brother to Risenbool for some automail after an accident. She said the neighbor was an alchemist and he was nice and had a family. So a call to Rockbell Automail and she gets a name and address and we go out the next weekend to try and impress this guy. Hohenheim was a lot more humble and his kids were challenging me to show what I could do while his wife talked him into teaching me. Somehow our Moms convinced him to teach me. I stayed with them and found an interest in bio-electricity thanks to the automail business next door. Pretty fascinating. To me I guess. I had my heart set on flame alchemy but...your father was clearly not interested in taking on an apprentice. So...is that who you learned alchemy from?"

She tried to imagine him sitting on the floor with Ed and Al and practicing alchemy. Ed would have been competitive, Al probably... _he saw Al in his real body_. "Yes. He was hardly a encouraging teacher. My father expected perfection and I saw many people lose their passion for alchemy under his eye. It's what he wanted, he didn't feel there was room for fun in alchemy. He expected it to be treated like a science and studied it like it was a religion. It was a way of life not a hobby."

"Hohenheim was the opposite. The funny thing is he really didn't want to teach anyone and he wasn't aware of how much his sons had taught themselves. They were afraid to show him because they thought he'd tell them to stop. When I came, they forgot all that...well Ed did because he thought I was trying to take his place or something. That little shit...is terrible at keeping secrets." Roy smiled. "I spent a summer with them and then went to academy. After that Hoheinheim left, Tricia Elric died and the boys found themselves another teacher to further their knowledge. I wish they would have called me."

"So how did you meet up with them again?" She asked. Roy seemed so happy to tell this story. He was genuinely proud of the Elrics and not afraid to show it. Hayate went to his side and begged for a treat, that tone of voice was usually reserved for him. Roy picked him up and set him on his lap, happy to pet on the dog.

"It wasn't until after the war. I wished I would have kept in touch but the army took over my life. I kept working on my research and applying and applying and applying for certification. I finally got certified but there was a war on. I expected to be shipped out. Never happened so it wasn't until after the war that I stopped back to check in on everyone and tell them about my accomplishments. By then, it was too late. I should have checked in on them sooner."

She took a chance. "They tried to bring their Mom back, didn't they? That's why one is a suit of armor and the other has automail."

Roy stared at her. How...

"I can hear it when he puts his hand on your desk. A thunk against the wood because he doesn't have feeling in it." She said. "The transmutation...well I suppose all of us think about it as an option when we lose someone we love."

Roy kept petting the dog. "Yeah, I...helped Ed get certified as a State Alchemist so he could stay close and have research access. I needed to protect them. They're both really independent, it was the only way to make the let me help them. I should have checked in with them."

"That's not your fault." She said. So far not having her in his life seemed to working in his favor. He was spared the trauma of flame alchemy and the war. The boys still ended up working for him. Her absence was more of blessing than anything. It was impossible to not see it this way. "Alchemists will always push the edge of what they know is the line they should not cross. You know that."

"Horrible creatures, aren't we?" Roy said. It was the truth.

"On that note, I was hoping you could help me with this coin?" She said and produced the coin from her pocket and set it on the table. "It was in my father's collection and I don't know anything about it and I thought you could maybe help me with it? You can see why I've come to you, you've been very supportive of other alchemists whereas most of us are bitter secretive trolls who never come out of our studies."

Roy laughed. That was the truth! The majority of alchemists were paranoid and much more interested in proving their superiority than assisting someone to excel. He set the dog down and reached for the coin. As soon as he touched it he felt a shock and surge of energy. He leaned over and examined it instead and read the inscription. "It's an old idiom that roughly translates to 'other side of the coin'."

She waited while he studied it. If anyone could tell her what it meant, it was Roy. This before her was the alchemist buried under all the layers of self-loathing and defenses of the Colonel she knew, the man with a passion for a science that would absorb everything he encountered and try to use it for the good of those who needed it. He wasn't jaded, he wasn't having to hide his true brilliance from the world because he feared someone seeing how truly capable he was. She believed he would have the answer for her, an answer for what all of this was and how she could leave before she destroyed life for him as well.


	5. The Other Side of the Coin

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Absent_

Chapter 5

**The Other Side of the Coin**

* * *

Roy ran his finger over the coin and finally said, "The transmutation circle looks like it interferes with brain and neurons firing. I don't know why it's alchemically charged though, that's...odd."

So this could really be a figment of her imagination. She really could just be living this in her head. How...did she activate that coin though? That is what started this all in the warehouse lot, so how did she activate that circle? Was that static shock something more than she thought? She wasn't really an alchemist even if she maybe did know more than she realized or wanted to admit. Activating a transmutation circle meant understanding it, alchemy wasn't just magic. It required understanding and a concentration of energy. She watched Roy flip the coin over and wondered if she should be concerned about him touching it. Happy Roy would be sent into her reality where things were definitely not better for him.

"This says the same thing. The circle is just reversing the effects." Roy flipped it over again. "What do you make of this?"

He wasn't testing her. He was asking as an alchemist. He was intrigued. If the coin was advertising an opposing view of the world, that would explain what she was experiencing. Instead of feeling like she was important in Roy's life, good and bad, she always feared that she might not have been so important. That maybe he would have been better off without her. She wanted to believe she protected him and supported him how nobody else could but...in this reality he was doing just fine. "I think it shows the user an alternative reality where they chose a different path. The flip side...the unpopular and lesser known side of the vinyl record. It's there, you don't necessarily listen to it but it's still a part of the whole. Usually the unwanted version of a song you love."

Roy looked up at her and smiled. She really had a very direct and unique way of delivering things. He liked it. "Why would someone want this? I'd imagine activating this would be just as dangerous as taking mind altering drugs. You're vulnerable, more so because you have combined alchemy with modified brain function and you're really dependent on understanding and reversing this to return to normal."

"Maybe some people really will take any alternative to the life they're living." She suggested.

"It sounds horrible." Roy said. "Things could always be worse."

"Or not worse." She said and looked at him. Unburdened. Able to live his life without feeling haunted by his past. "Imagine thinking you had a place were you belonged and had a purpose only to find out that you were the reason it all went wrong for someone you loved."

Roy locked eyes with her. That sounded so intimate, too personal. "Why is it...energized? You felt it too didn't you?"

"The metal appears to have some reddish tint to it." She said and he touched it again.

"Have you ever heard of the philosopher's stone? That is the only thing I can thing of that would be able to amplify energy and contain it. Red Stone. Crimson Elixir. All something 'red' for a reason." Roy said and she reacted to that. He and the boys had been looking for that damned thing for years.

"Yes." She said. "It comes at a high price though."

"They exist?"Roy asked incredulously.

He didn't know. He never had reason to interact with Dr. Marcoh. He never saw it in use in Ishval. "I saw it in use. Solf Kimblee had one."

"The Hero of Ishval?" Roy said. "Had _a philosopher's stone_?"

She researched the war. How had that not been reported? How had Kimblee's contribution been erased? Unless... _of course_. The newpapers didn't report _everything_ just what the government wanted them to. No matter what they did rumor would spread in the army of a man who had power like that and helped end the war by annihilating the masses. So she was the Flame Alchemist and Solf Kimblee came out of Ishval a hero. Or not. If he wasn't celebrated in the papers it meant he still went down the same path and landed himself in jail, executed or otherwise indisposed. No two sides to that man, he never took sides. That news had always been suppressed and the public never knew the extent of his betrayal. They never knew the truth about anything in that war. Roy didn't know _anything_ and was oblivious to the truth. Happy yes, but in more danger than ever.

"Riza, how do you know this?"

"I was there." She said and Roy just looked at her with a blank face, caught completely off guard.

"You're...too young." Roy said and then backpedaled. "No offense. I just..."

"I _was_ young." She said and he just looked so sad for her but without that pain of knowing what she was in the middle of. "However that was then and this is now. I try to not talk about the war too much..."

"Oh God...I'm sorry." He said and watched her dog go back over and nudge her arm until she pet him. He was _that_ kind of service dog. He knew there were things that were just off limits with Maes, things he wanted to keep repressing and needed to keep hidden for the sake of his sanity. Things he didn't want to share because there were only the words of "You weren't there" before he shut it away and changed back to his normal self.

"It's OK." She said and looked down at the coin. "Do you think that a substance like a philosopher's stone could be combined with a metal like that? Wouldn't it change the composition of the alloy?"

"Well the stone _is_ the exception to the rule. You can by pass laws of equivalent exchange so anything is possible. Technically there is no evidence to say this is even a metal coin and it could just be a stone make to look like one...right? It would explain the power."

A waitress came over and smiled at them. "Ready to order?"

Roy nodded to her indicating he wanted her to go first. He watched her open the menu again and find her chosen selection and wondered why he wasn't more suspicious of her. She had walked into his office like she belonged there and stood next to him as if it was her proper place. Then she saved him from his bumbling and asked him out. Even now, now that the conversation had been about everything from dogs to alchemy, she just put him at ease. Was it more than coincidence that she was Berthold Hawkeye's daughter who happened to have a Xerses coin that was possibly the philosopher's stone? Maybe. Probably. However Riza didn't make him uneasy though, and he thought he was a good judge of character. Before he realized it it was his turn to order. "Quiche."

"Of course, sir."

Once the waitress left Riza reached out and picked up the coin to look at it. She hoped she wouldn't have to resort to visiting herself and begging for help to activate this circle and send her back to her actual life. If this was all in her head than rationally she knew these answers somewhere in her subconscious. Nobody here was real, just a different way this life of hers could have played out. This could be a well-constructed dream _or_ it could be a glimpse into an alternative version of her life. Either way, she wasn't going to forget what she experienced. How could she? The man she loved was happy and she could see it in the way he was looking at her right now, in public. He didn't have to hide anything; not his goals, not his past, not his pain. He wasn't constantly walled up behind defenses and he was able to be himself. That rare version of himself that only emerged briefly before his demons and fears could drag him back to that miserable mire behind his defenses. Happiness did not come with conditions or time-limits, it came naturally. This was all she ever wanted for him and it was her fault he couldn't be like this.

"So other than alchemy research and dog training, what else do you do?" Roy asked.

Telling him she was a sniper would immediately make him question her. Havoc would still have sniper training and the pool of people in her world was so small that it would be impossible for him to not know her. Not knowing who she was would expose her as a fraud and everything would collapse in on itself. No, it was time to give an explanation as to why she needed to maintain some secrecy. "Just an average Lieutenant trying to work towards a certification. I had to choose a career path, either my military life or that of a state alchemist. It's hard to find the time for both."

"I understand." He said. It was easy for him to juggle both even if his specialty made it somewhat difficult to breeze through re-certification. If you made yourself too valuable as an officer it could interfere with attempts to work as an alchemist. He had seen that before. "Well you're not working on bizarre mind-altering states induced by alchemicly charged collector coins are you? I have to warn you, that might not get past the paperwork stage."

She had to laugh. It was nice to hear the humor without that edge of sarcasm and bitterness. "No, I was just intrigued by this and I couldn't let the puzzle go unsolved. I continue my father's research."

"Flame alchemy." He said. And there it was again, that intoxicating pull for the field he had been so set on learning in his youth. Although it might have been worth the wait if he could possibly learn more about it from her instead of her creepy Dad. "Wow."

" _Working_ on it. My father was an incredibly difficult and paranoid man. Towards the end his studies consumed him and making sense of what he left behind would have been impossible if you didn't know the man himself; How he thought, his odd phrases, how he saw the world from behind that dimly lit desk in a damp and drafty study." It was easy to lie when it was all mostly truth. Roy ate it up, even if she felt bad about lying to him.

"It must be hard on you to have to work with him still." Roy could see through what she was saying. She did not have a good relationship with her father and from that brief meeting he wasn't surprised.

"He still lives on through that research." She said and that was the truth. It was his legacy. It was more important that he live on through it than through his own daughter. Flame Alchemy was his child, he nurtured it and brought it into this world only to find out that it was only going to destroy it. That was why he was too cowardly to take it with him to his grave, it meant his life's work would have been for nothing—his life wasted. She took a sip of her tea. Talking with Roy about this seemed so normal and she had to remember this wasn't anywhere _near_ normal. She just needed to get back to her old life and leave this one before she ruined it for Happy Roy as well. But _what a sight he was_ , a man free of his shackles and still so enthusiastic about the world around him. "Anyhow, I am trying to ignore that and make something of an obsession that dominated my childhood. Unfortunately the applications of flame alchemy are extremely dangerous and I don't want them to be used for the wrong reasons. I don't tell anyone what I'm working on for that reason. I guess a little thing I can't shake from my father."

"No, understandable!" Roy said. "Sorry, I wasn't trying to pry. I just...I guess it was an obsession of mine from my childhood too. "

"I understand. I'd love to share with you but I...don't think you'll like the person you become when you understand it. " She said and he looked at her with curiosity. "It's never the alchemy itself, it's what man does with the power when he has it. It also brings a lot of fear and unwanted attention. I'm trying to find a way to safely release this into the world."

Food arrived and Roy felt himself so much more intrigued by her that he couldn't bear to pry his eyes away. It was hard to think she was misleading him when everything she said was so honest. They commenced eating and he continued to think about everything she had told him and what his next questions would be. He usually got so bored on dates, there was the phony conversations and the blank stares when he talked about his interests, but with Riza he could talk with her until the bistro closed. Hell he could talk until he had to go back to work in twelve hours. Instead of making excuses to get home early he was wondering what he could do to make this date last longer.


	6. Compounding Interest

 

 

 

 

_Absent_

Chapter 6

**Compounding Interest**

* * *

"I'll need one stew to go." Roy said and ran his finger down the menu. "Apple pie too."

"Will that be all sir?" The waitress asked and took the menu back.

"Yes, thank you." Roy said and waited for her to total up the check before snatching it as soon as it hit the table. Riza was waiting to grab it, he could see her trying to casually not look for it but he saw it in the way she was sitting. "My treat."

"I asked you out." She countered.

"I insist." He said and placed the check on his lap before finishing his wallet out of his pocket. Then he counted up the Cenz needed and handed it back to the waitress. "No change needed, thank you."

"Come again." The waitress grinned when she realized how much he left her as a tip.

"Thank you, you didn't have to do that." She said and he smiled back at her, that boyish happy smile that just about killed her.

"How about I let you buy the next one?" He asked and watched her cock an eyebrow at him. He realized he'd hate to play chess with her because she seemed to see through his moves and anticipate his reactions so well. No, he'd probably enjoy that. He'd enjoy it a lot actually. "Tomorrow?"

He was asking her out? He wanted to see her again so soon? Riza was actually caught off guard. She and Roy had been together so long they were actually in the "old married couple" state the men liked to joke about. Yes, they loved being with each other but it was more of an acceptance of their relationship instead of an excitement of dating. Granted this put her in an odd situation since she didn't live in this city and had nowhere to go home to. This situation needed to be rectified today. However she couldn't deny him and said "I...would love to."

"Great." He said and realized he needed to come up with something else to do or this date would end. So as the to-go bag for Ed arrived he quickly said, "Maybe you want to stop by the park to walk your dog before I take you back to HQ?"

Some things didn't change. He wanted to play with her dog in the park and was probably going to feed him the food he clearly bought to bring home to Ed. "As long as that doggy bag is not for him."

"No, it's for Ed." Roy said. "Different kind of military dog."

"I'm sure Hayate would appreciate it."

"Great!" Roy said and stood up. Mission to extend date was a success! Who said he was bad at this? _Suck it Maes._

Riza stood up and made sure she still had her coin in her pocket. She felt a little guilty about enjoying the date when she was supposed to be getting information from Roy to get back to the life she belonged in. This wasn't even her Roy, just who he could have been without her, but she couldn't get enough of his smile. "I said _don't_ feed him table scraps!"

Roy cringed as he dropped the remaining piece of dinner roll into the dog's mouth. "It's wrong to let food go to waste."

"Then feed it to the squirrels in the park."

"Like those tree rats need more excuses to be aggressive. Feeding them is like direct shipping your supplies to the enemy." Roy said and grabbed his doggy bag. He loved that she wasn't afraid to order him around off-duty.

Roy did hate the squirrels. However it would be a vastly different stroll without him screaming 'I'll roast your nuts, you furry asshole!' at least once. Riza smiled as he dropped another crumb for Hayate as he was pretending to check his shoelaces. "Let's walk to the park, if you don't mind."

"Sure!" Roy said and stood again. That would give him even more time to spend with her and he could come back for his car later. "There is a bakery around the corner, perhaps you'd like to get some cookies and coffee? They have good shortbread."

And those were her favorites. She had to remember this was probably her own memory fueling this fantasy. "As long as you don't feed them to the dog."

"I promise." Roy said and as they walked around the corner he darted into the bakery before she could and then pointed at the "No dogs allowed" sign in the window. Riza gave him the most expressive glare he had ever seen in his life. That was an accomplishment considering his Mom was the absolute queen of wordless communication. He purchased the cookies and realized he had no idea how to make her coffee. He remembered she had a spoonful of sugar in her tea and doubled that since coffee was much more potent. He gambled on a splash of milk, just enough to take the bite off the coffee but not enough to dominate the flavor. He could just ask...dammit he _should_ have just asked! She was right outside. He still had his own to mix so he opened the door and gave her a smile, "How do you like your coffee?"

"A little milk and two sugars." She said and was shocked hen he handed her a cup, victory written all over his face and she knew total and complete shock all over hers. Then he ducked back in the store and got the rest of his order and came out with his head head high and eyes shining bright. There was no way he could have known, he didn't know her. It was probably just...her own memories and mind playing this out for her but still she had to ask. "How...did you know?"

"From how you made your tea. I noticed you liked it sweetened but not drowning out the flavor of it. I guessed on milk. I have no explanation for that." He sipped his own coffee to make sure he didn't burn his mouth and then took a sizable gulp of it. He handed her the bag with the cookies since he was still carrying Ed's stew and pie. Something he should have thrown in the car, but then it would smell like stew for a week and he'd hear Ed's stomach growling constantly.

They walked towards the park and Riza pulled a cookie out of the bag. They were her favorites. It was however time to get back to business. "So what do you think about that coin? The transmutation circle is...mental only?"

"Yeah." Roy said. "It really is only a manipulation of how your brain works. Instead of neurons firing in the part of your brain that sees things in real time, it's firing only in your subconscious. I'm sure it makes things seem more real because your brain always tries to make sense of things. If you're not in a sleep mode, which is when our bodies inhibit all sensory and muscle activity and can't respond as well to stimulus. This is dreaming while awake, which is actually pretty scary."

"How so?" She asked. If this was a dream, where was she pulling this information from?

"Because our minds process things differently while asleep and while awake. Most of what you dream you forget and dreams are always a little more odd, however this coin seems to want you to live in your subconscious thoughts and find your way out of them. You're literally trapped in your own head exploring an opposite reality that is most likely what you fear could have happened." Roy said and looked over at her as she thought about it.

"You got all that from just a glimpse of the coin?" She asked and glanced over at him. He shrugged.

"I've had all day to think about it. Ed saw it too so of course he scribbled it down as fast as he could to work it out. I can't take all the credit, Ed and Al helped talk through it with me. My specialty being bio-electricity I have a very good understanding of the nerves and pulses being sent back to the brain and how that flow of energy works. " Roy could see her face just glow with amazement. He...was actually impressing a woman with alchemy instead of scaring her! This day was almost unreal.

"That's pretty amazing." She said.

He hid his bashful smile behind the rim of his coffee cup. It was really something to hear that from another alchemist, especially one as beautiful as her.

"I can't help but wonder why someone would create this?" She said and they made it to the local park. She gave Hayate the signal to chase some squirrels, much to Roy's delight. "It's not beneficial in any way that I can see."

"As a weapon it is." Roy said and smiled broadly as Hayate chased a squirrel up a tree and the critter barked and chattered at him from a branch. "Imagine someone picking this up on the battlefield or in a village they raided. They'd be immobilized immediately."

Riza stopped and felt the color drain from her cheeks. Oh no...

"While you're engrossed in this fantasy world your body is still where you left it. You're moving around your mind and while you're away your body will eventually waste away from lack of an operator. You're essentially in a coma." Al had made that connection. Poor kid has some struggles with his condition that he doesn't ever voice until things like this came up. Roy sipped his coffee and watched Hayate stalk another squirrel that was burying a nut. "The only way you could reverse this would be to see through this very real dream and activate the array. I assume someone could come along and do it for you but they'd have to understand what is happening and the likelihood of that is pretty slim. You come across an unresponsive body you don't gather up their belongings and investigate, you take them to get medical help. By then that coin will probably be lost. "

Riza couldn't help but think about how she was probably laying in the lot alone, her dog watching over her body or nudging her to wake her. The team was giving her space, they knew how pissed she was. Her only hope was that Roy would come and apologize with lunch but he also had meetings to go to today and might not have the time. She wanted to count on him to come save her but he would be the one who panicked and took her to the hospital then came back later for answers. Much later. He wouldn't leave her side. In addition that warehouse was not frequently visited, it was a storage lot for obsolete equipment and many people were actually scared of the ghost stories as well. She had to find an answer to this and activate it herself, the only problem was that she wasn't really an alchemist.

"I guess if it was a weapon you wouldn't really seek medical assistance, you'd just take advantage of having a paralyzed enemy and kill them." Roy said.

That made her feel so much worse. Not that she feared for her life but that this coin was very possibly where she found it because it was intended for an _actual_ alchemist to pick up. An alchemist would would have never been able to resist a token with transmutation circles on it, there would have been no power in this world strong enough to keep him from picking it up for inspection. This coin was meant for Roy and someone had fabricated ghost stories about that warehouse to draw him out there. Worse, she was now incapacitated and if he came to find her he would panic and completely focus on her...lowering his defenses and opening himself up to an attack. He'd be alone because he was there to apologize. She was going to get him killed.


	7. Precious Metals

 

 

 

 

 

_Absent_

Chapter 7

**Precious Metals**

* * *

Riza quickly pulled the coin out of her pocket and studied it. If this was all in her mind than any 'knowledge" that was being passed on to her could be fabricated by her desperate brain. It was also plausible that all of this information resided deep in her subconscious and she was blissfully unaware. This reality was constructed of her memories and thoughts and there was nothing objective about the fears and feelings she hid away in the dark recesses of her mind. Things could get much worse here too.

Roy leaned over and looked at the coin. "It's possible the coin draws its power from the material it's made of. The philosopher's stone is supposedly a power source as well as a a by-pass for the laws of equivalent exchange."

She rubbed her hand over the embossing and hoped she could feel this power. Unfortunately it did nothing.

"Riza, if this coin is a philosopher's stone..." Roy said and watched her eyes turn to him. She was lost in thought but as soon as she looked at him he saw she immediately caught on to his train of thought. How? How did she keep doing that?

"You want it for the boys. To give them their bodies back." She said and couldn't help but give him a warm smile. That was incredibly thoughtful and bold considering he barely knew her and this could very well be the most sought after prize any alchemist ever held in the palm of their hand.

"I only ask you to consider it." He said. "For them, not me."

"It would be a noble cause but do you have any idea what goes into making a stone?" She asked. "Do you know at what cost they are made?"

"No..." He said and watched her eyes look away. He knew this wouldn't be good. "Are you implying that these stones are man-made and not naturally occurring phenomenon?"

"Nothing comes without a price. _Nothing._ " She said. If this was real she would have been tempted to let him do it. To restore the boy's bodies and let them go back to living a normal life. Al would love to taste that pie and stew Roy was carrying. Ed could go live a normal life away from the military. "Don't doubt man's ability to sacrifice his humanity for power. The stone may by-pass equivalent exchange, but there is always equivalency somewhere. It's alchemy, you can not just make part of the equation disappear, everything comes at a cost."

"How do you know all this?" Roy had to ask. Her studies were specialized in Flame alchemy, which by his understanding was more about oxygen and combustion than anything else. How did that lead her to studying some dream coin and the sources of a philosopher's stone? "Did you lose someone too?"

She swallowed hard. She lost Roy to all this. She lost this happy and idealistic Roy who could be close to the people he cared for without fearing for their safety and pushing them away. "Yes."

"Are you after what this coin is or the stone it might be?" Roy had to ask.

"I wanted to know what this coin is. I want to know what purpose it had, how it works...how to reverse it." She said. "You said the Xerses writing on it said "The other side of the coin". Was that an advertisement of what this does or was it a lure to have someone pick this up out of curiosity?"

"I think it the creator was being an ass." Roy had to admit. "I think either way he's mocking the victim. Either by showing them a life they couldn't have an in essence destroying the life they do or it's an assurance to have someone pick it up and be drawn in by this trap. It only applies to those who can read it, though. And Xerses is no more."

Drawn in? As in _a soul_ when the coin holder dies from malnourishment? Does this coin compound it's toll by killing and then capturing the soul to make it more powerful? "Is it a language that someone could have learned to decode some notes or research."

"Maybe? Alchemists will go to extremes to find information, you can't rule anything out." Roy shrugged. "I only know it because my teacher knew it."

"How..." Riza wondered why she would think Ed's father knew the language. Was it something they saw in the house when they first met Ed and Al? Roy combed over the research there before they left, making sure all evidence of what the boys did was at least hidden by a rug and furniture. He wanted the boys to recover without being discovered and he made sure they didn't have to worry about anything where their house was concerned.

"There _are_ ruins in the desert and there was an exhibit at the National History Museum for the archaeological findings from that site." Roy put his hands in his pockets. "It's a dead language but there are still those who study the ruins and dig there. Interestingly enough there are stories that the Philosophers from the East brought alchemy to Amestris after the destruction of Xerses. It's sort of the alchemist's fairy tail...maybe it's actually true."

That would be where she heard this before. Had to be. She had to remember her life revolved around alchemy whether or not she was the alchemist. Her father's work, Roy's apprenticeship and decoding of the tattoo and life with her...and then there was Ed and Al. She overheard so much and was indirectly involved in alchemy. It would take her years to make sense of all of it and she would have to learn alchemy first. She couldn't tell Roy too much, she was afraid that the longer she stayed in the fantasy the quicker it would fade from opposite of her life to a a nightmare. That seemed logical, if her body was interested in self preservation it would try to scare her awake. Aside from all that she feared him finding out and preventing her from finding a way out of this. If this was in her head...eventually that fear would materialize as reality. To find out answers, she would just have to ask herself.

A trip to Frenau to see her alternative self was inevitable.

Riza found a bench and sat down, determined to enjoy this evening in the park with her dog and her alternative significant other. Roy happily joined her and sat back to relax as they watched her dog run off the dinner he had thanks to Roy spoiling him. Night was falling and their date would end soon, he'd drop her off at HQ and she decided to check a car out of the motor pool and drive to her home town during the night. Taking the train would take too long and she liked the freedom a car presented. Sure she wasn't an officer stationed here, but she knew her way around paperwork and the recently enlisted men who ended up working the night shift. Those men were always juggling too many responsibilities to really check more than her uniform when she took the keys for a vehicle.

"If you want I can make a rubbing of this and send Ed to research it in the National Library. He has access since he is a state alchemist." Roy offered and knew he would catch hell for this. He could hear Maes screaming 'You asked to rub _her coin_?' but he could count on Ed to come back with a detailed and overly researched report.

"No, I don't want to waste your time..."

"It's not a waste of my time at all!" Shit that sounded too eager. Too desperate. "This could very well be a weapon of some kind and there could be more. It's a public service."

"The library is in Central." She said and Roy was quick to reply.

"A quick train ride. Ed can stay with a friend."

And Hughes would be grilling Ed instead of him and Ed would be out of his house and office asking questions. _I see through you Roy Mustang._ "I appreciate the offer but I really don't want to get too many people involved in case this is as dangerous as it seems."

"I also don't want you investigating this alone because of how dangerous it seems." Roy said smoothly. Damn he thought that was clever, but her look told him she just wasn't buying it even if she appreciated the effort.

"Do you have reason to believe I would be in danger if I investigated this?" She asked. She couldn't help but wonder how much he really knew about what was happening in his government. Would he be blindsided by some of the things they had discovered? He clearly didn't know about the philosopher's stone and the war. With the Elrics staying so close to him because they had a home and help, they didn't get to see the country outside of military dominated control. They didn't get to help as many people.

"I've never seen something like this before." Roy said and motioned towards the coin. "I think it does have it's applications as a weapon and if that is the case I could see it being something terrible if it falls into the wrong hands."

 _Like our military._ Riza nodded and didn't voice her opinion.

"I'd like to work with you on this." He said and realized he just sounded pushy now. First he wants another date immediately and now he was trying to worm his way into her research. This was why he was single.

Oh how she _wanted_ his help. He could unlock all it's secrets and undo the damage that had already had been done but in the process he could undo her. She knew it was only a matter of time before she would have to prove her ability as an alchemist and leave mere discussion behind. However talking with Roy put her at ease and they had always talked about so much, broaching topics they would have otherwise avoided or denied. He had always been the one who could make her come to terms with something she refused to acknowledge. Talking with him opened up so much inside herself and also gave her his own perspective. If someone was going to show her the answers she needed it was going to be him, she was too good at denying things to herself.

"Riza?"

"I want to understand this." She said and held out the coin. "In understanding it however it will open up doors of expertise that I don't know if I want anyone to have. Flame alchemy is more of a curse than a blessing, I am always wary of new and intriguing branches of alchemy that rarely are an olive branch."

Roy turned the coin over. "It's not permanent, the coin has an escape door built into it."

"Isn't that odd?" She asked.

"Xerxes was an interesting culture. It could have also been used as a trial of some sort. To test a warriors ability. If this is a coin from that era, if it's more modern then I would have to believe the alchemist was heavily influenced by the culture to use this language on his work. " Roy said. He leaned over and looked at the coin. " As far as I can tell if you really want to leave the fantasy than you have a portal to do so."

"As long as someone doesn't kill you first. Or your body give out." She said and he shrugged.

"What is a challenge without a time limit? How can you really test someone unless you stress them?" He sat back and watched the dog play with some stick he found. This was an absolutely amazing night. Perfect in every way.

"It's like our training as soldiers. We are tested on our ability to react when in simulations. A split second to determine friend or foe while your finger is on the trigger. " She said.

"Or how we test our alchemists during skill assessments." He said. "It's a single opportunity to prove yourself in front of the Fuhrer. You go in unprepared for what you'll have at your disposal. Sometimes you have to combat other alchemists. I guess things haven't changed that much."

Riza reached over and grabbed the bag that Ed's dinner was in and set it on her lap. "Can I borrow a pencil or pen?"

Roy felt in his pockets and produced a pencil for her. She placed the coin inside the paper bag and rubbed on it, then flipped it over and moved to another section to rub on it again. "So what did I say to make you trust me enough to give me this?"

"You're clearly do see practices in our military that are questionable." She said and glanced at him. "You understand why I'm being so secretive of this."

"Do you have evidence of that?"

"This coin." She said and left it at that. "Do you want to take any notes?"

"No, we already have sketches from this morning." He said. "I just wanted to see if you wanted my help or not."

"If I said no?" She asked.

"I would have respected that and probably would have had to chase Ed around the house for his notes, but eventually would have got them from Al. Unfortunately it's something we can't unsee, but we can try to forget about it." He took the bag back and looked at the rubbings. Thankfully the bistro used those fancy thinner white bags and not nice lunch bags.

She took a deep breath, that was a statement that resounded in her head like a bell ringing in a church steeple. _You could never unsee it, you could only try to forget it._

"I promise nobody outside of us will know about this." Roy said taking her heavy sigh as a sign of her concern.

"Thank you. I should be getting home. Hayate needs his real dinner." She was glad Roy fed him since she was without much money and a home. Poor dog didn't deserve to go without food even if he was imaginary. "I have some inspections to do tomorrow so I probably won't be able to see you during the day. So shall I meet you at your office same time tomorrow?"

He stood up and smiled. "Yes. I'll have a better understanding of this by then."

"No need to send Ed for research. I don't want to draw attention to this any more than I have."

"Sure." He watched Hayate run over and sit down beside her. What a well trained dog! Blackie could learn a few things from him. "Can I drop you off at HQ or home?"

"HQ will be fine. I have to pick up some documents I need for tomorrow." She said and they started to walk back to the restaurant. She felt this might be a promising way of working her way out of the situation. If Roy and the boys worked on this all night and day, they'd be too hopped up on caffeine and excitement when she met them at the office to be able to get a word in. Nobody would care about her ability, or lack there of, when they were all babbling about the research they did. Alchemists were very predictable. Hopefully by then she will have convinced her alternative self to let her in on the secrets of alchemy that were stored in the deepest parts of her mind. This was looking good and she enjoyed the evening walk with Roy and Hayate and hoped when she woke up this would be something she remembered.


	8. Foundation

 

 

 

 

 

_Absent_

Chapter 8

**Foundation**

* * *

The drive back was filled with less talk about alchemy and more common date discussion. As they drove down the streets, Roy would point out an establishment and ask if she had been there or wanted to go there. She would reach over and put her hand on the wheel to avoid a collision with the establishment in question, then reply. Many were places they had eaten at, a few were places she would like to and the rest were theaters or clubs where they could never go together. These questions made it seem like Roy never got out, but she wondered if it was just her mind playing back places she wished she could go with him. In reality he did frequent a lot of them with his 'dates' but she would never consider going without him. Not that she faulted him for going, she just realized that most of these exciting venues were for couples who liked to be seen and be part of the excitement of the East City social circles.

It was strange how this fantasy was being played out for her. Everything she wished she could do with her secret boyfriend was now an option. It was all very easy to want to enjoy it here instead of spend their time trying to find a way back to her own existence. Perhaps what he said was true, this was some kind of test. How easy it would be to determine if a person was too distracted by temptation to complete their assignment, they simply wouldn't wake up. Before she could focus on that any longer they were back to their starting point.

"I had a great time." Roy was quick to say it before she could open the door. She gave him a smile that rewarded him for his comment but still told him she knew he was stalling. He marveled at her ability to see through him. "You know I'm stalling. Sorry, I just don't want this date to end."

She honestly didn't either, but the longer they sat in the car outside of HQ the odds of her having to prove herself increased. Especially since they were parked right in front of the entrance where most officers working later than they should be wanted to be picked up by their aides."Me too."

Roy pet Hayate one last time and he realized he was finally going to have to say goodbye. So he pulled his business card out of his pocket and wrote his home phone number on it and handed it to her. "Tomorrow I'll have more information about that coin for you, but in case you think of anything you want to discuss further there is my number."

She reached over and took the card, remembering when he did the same thing at her father's funeral. She looked up to see a slight blush on his cheeks as he realized he was hoping she would give him hers. Of course she didn't have a phone, or a place to live...so that was out of the question. However she didn't have the heart to just leave him hanging. "I appreciate it, I don't have a phone or I'd give you my number. I work too much and there is a phone booth outside my apartment so save the money on a phone line. Something I suppose is a hard habit to break from my childhood. I will, however, see you tomorrow."

"I'll look forward to it." He said and she gave him a smile before closing the door and turning to go back into work. He sat in the car with the engine idling for a good five minutes before the doors opened again and Ed and Al scampered down the stairs and raced to the car, jumped in the back seat and started talking all at once asking about his date.

* * *

Riza thought about going to the locker room and borrowing some clothes from Rebecca, as she doubted her locker combination was different, but she thought better of it. At this point her uniform was the only thing that made her military and that was her only thing keeping doors open for her. Becoming a civilian in any capacity would make things difficult, until she got outside the city when she planned on removing her pant cape and jacket and trying her best to look more casual. It would be a necessity to get her past the door when talking with the other Riza.

The young man at the motor pool was indeed swamped. Cars were coming back, the gate was getting stuck in it's tracks and Major Hempstead was screaming about his car having a sticky back seat when he took it this morning. The kid looked about ready to quit. She walked up and gave him an understanding smile as the Major went on about "I don't know what you could be implying" by suggesting it was him that had made the seat sticky before returning it. She simply grabbed the clipboard and signed a car out as the kid begged her to save him, but knew she lacked the rank to do so. He winced as Hempstead demanded to be checked out first since he did nothing wrong and was already late for an appointment. It all worked in her favor, the private handed her keys and scribbled something on the clipboard and pointed to a sedan parked by the gate. She wasted no time in getting over to it and getting in, catching something about "You let dogs in these cars? No wonder there is unknown substances on the seats!".

She was quick to try to leave, only to see the gate was stuck a foot away from allowing her to escape. The private saw it as an opportunity to get away from the Major and ran over, threw his whole body into unjarring the chain link frame and clearly hoped it would send him to the infirmary with some injury. It didn't happen and she saw his sad face as she left and turned west onto Oak Street.

She started her journey to her home town and could not help but think about Roy. She doubted he was going to tell Hughes or the boys about her last name because he wouldn't want to have them interfere. Hughes was relentless and if the boys were part of his family now then they would be protective as well. Roy would keep the secret, she was sure of that. She wasn't worried about being discovered in that respect. She was more concerned about becoming too attached to this freedom to be out in public with him and it being a distraction and maybe exploiting a weakness of hers. Despite her insistence that keeping their relationship secret was more than she would ever need, there clearly was a lot that she wished she could experience with him. It made her feel ungrateful, at least she was able to be with him, but she _dreamed_ about having more. Right now what she needed to focus on was just getting back to being by his side, dreams needed to remain just that.

Delegating the task of unraveling the mysteries of the coin to the three best alchemists she had ever known was something she was banking on working out. She was skeptical that her alternative self would be that capable and passionate about alchemy to have studied a rather specific malicious subject like that coin. If this was her mind constructing this reality of her knowledge than she doubted something would surprise her in that respect. Fears coming to life maybe, but this was about suspending her disbelief and if someone she knew well did something truly out of character than she would start questioning all of this. That would help her find an exit instead of being lulled in complacency and that was not what this simulation was about.

If she knew the answer to this riddle, then it would come from the mouths of Roy, Ed or Al when she returned to East City tomorrow. There was hope there because in the short time she had known the boys and in the half a lifetime she had known Roy, they had probably all covered the expanse of alchemy and science in one discussion or another. Alchemists were a different breed, it took nothing to set them off about the chemical components or this or the molecular structure of that and the 'simple' transmutation they could do to create something entirely different. She had encouraged all of them and although she didn't contribute to the conversation, she did sit through many of their excited ramblings. She believed in them. The problem she foresaw was that she really didn't know how far her mind would go to give her an answer to maintain that belief. They could tell her something made up and she'd never know.

That was for later. Right now she needed to figure out how to approach and talk with herself, something she knew would be much more difficult than anything she had done thus far.

The drive to Frenau was uneventful. She drove through a few small towns after dark but for the most part there was very little she could recall from it. Rationally that could be because it was countryside lit by moonlight, or that there was very little reason for her to know what the scenery was on this drive. She had left home to join the academy, boarded the train and never came back. There was no recollection of how things should or would look because she never made this trip. On the other hand, there was no reason to suspect it would look any different than any other rural road in Eastern region. It was that conundrum that kept her awake as she drove. Occasionally Hayate would bark and in his sleep and she'd look over at him, but very little else happened.

When she arrived in Frenau it was the middle of the night and the town was asleep. She pulled into the train station and parked, took off her pant cape to use as a pillow then got in the back seat to try to take a nap. She took off her hair clip and let her hair down for comfort and also decided it was her best look to hide her face when she approached alternative Riza. A stranger was one thing, a stranger coming to your house that looked just like you was another. Come dawn she'd leave and head to the outskirts where the farm where she was born and raised was located. The thoughts of how that meeting would go kept her up and she got very little sleep at all.

Dawn took forever to arrive, as was always the case when you were unable to sleep. She wished she could close her eyes and find out if maybe this was all a bad dream but feared doing so in case it would cause her to lose herself in her own head. What if this journey would simply reset once she let go of the conscious thought required to maintain it? She couldn't allow that, she had no time to lose by starting this over. That was easier said than done as time was ticking by so slowly. She looked at her watch in the stream of moonlight through the back window, but she wondered if it was moving at the same rate in reality. Had this all elapsed in a matter of minutes or days?

Finally she saw the first light of dawn and got up and out of the car to dress down and try to present herself as less of a threat to the isolated version of Berthold Hawkeye's daughter. She took off her uniform jacket and tossed it on the seat and looked at herself in her turtleneck. She still looked so military, she should have at least taken one of Rebecca's uniform shirts to make her outfit more casual and less tactical. No helping that now.

She opened the front door to let Hayate out so he could pee. He stretched and ran around the other side of the car to go do his business in the bushes leaving her to try and run her hand through her hair to fix it and work herself up to leaving her gun in the car. She knew the other version of her would be armed, probably with a surplus rifle. Those were sold at most hardware stores and cheap. They were more accurate and had a longer range than the old muzzle loader she used in her youth and that would give her the advantage she couldn't ignore. Plus, she always liked guns. Other than books, it was what she would consider a luxury worth working into the budget.

Hayate was finished and came over to look for instruction and she pointed to the car door. He obediently jumped in and she got in and closed the door. The town was coming to life, she could see lights beginning to come on in the upstairs of the stores lining main street and it wouldn't be long before the train station employees showed up for work. It was time to leave and face her greatest fear: herself.

And that was the bitter truth of all this: she was afraid of what became of _her_ without Roy's intervention in her life. She wanted to believe she was a strong and independent woman, capable of making it on her own without anyone's assistance. She loved Roy and was solidly devoted the the path they had chosen together, but sometimes the chatter of how she obediently followed him everywhere worked it's way under her skin. _She_ had chosen to give him flame alchemy. _She_ had chosen to join the military and protect him. _She_ had chosen to stay by his side as as assistant and put off anything more personal until they accomplished their goals. These were her decisions and he never questioned them, even if she did; even if this vision of his life without her gave her a view of how happy he could be without her.

Maybe she was his weakness and he was her strength. Maybe it wasn't equivalent exchange after all.

She was afraid that when she went to her childhood home she would see that she turned into her father because she didn't have the inspiration to be more than his legacy. Maybe she had feared his alchemy as much as him, maybe that was why she was so quick to give it to someone else and fate bound her to the man she destroyed for trying to take the easy way out. She was so quick to want to be done with that burden, her father's body was barely cold before she decided Roy was going to get what he came for. It seemed to be the best way to close that chapter on her life and move on and for a while she had been happy. Then it all unravelled.

Riza closed her eyes and tried to will herself to just start driving. She had to stop avoiding this meeting. Fear was the worst thing here because this reality was born of her ideas and knowledge and would most certainly make the most of these fears. So she found the courage to drive and leave the town as it came to life for the day and drove a few miles to the dirt driveway that lead to a pile of burnt rubble that had once been her home. She drove up to the house and parked, put her gun in the glove compartment and told Hayate to guard it. She rolled down his window a little, then got out and set her feet down on the dirt where she had once run barefoot. She left Hayate in the car, not wanting him to run around where there could still be broken glass from windows shattered by the heat as the old house burned. There were also a dog barking in the barn, protecting his owner from the trespasser, and she didn't want her pup to complicate issues. He was excited but had been given his task and he sat down to protect the car and the gun even if she could see he wanted to follow her.

She closed the door and walked up a grass covered stone path to where her mother's flower beds used to be and looked at what remained of her house. The rising sun spilled light onto the pile of rubble that was now little more than a foundation and cracked charred roofing slate. Whatever didn't burn up in the fire was probably used for firewood or materials to patch up the barn. She couldn't pry her eyes from it as she tried to mentally reconstruct the home she had known, how it should have been towering above her and bringing back memories of cold winters, drafty windows and a leaking roof, but instead all it was...was missing. She had been gone so long that mentally she just felt like she was in the wrong place, even though there would be no mistaking the layout of the property or the barn situated 250 yards to the southeast.

Riza looked at it one last time and saw the stones of the foundation which outlined where the crawl space used to be, the narrow dirt cavern under the house where she had spent many hours trying to repair rotted joists and plumbing problems. There had been a root cellar as well, though due to the lack of gutters and poor grading it was unusable due to water collecting in it. It made the entire underside of the house smell damp and moldy. It was odd how she could still remember that smell and feeling of being down there so many years later. Satisfied that those where the only feelings this rubble dredged up, she looked to the barn. She was sure there was someone awaiting her arrival, hoping that she'd turn around and leave.

She thought this would be harder, but the fact that it was missing made things a lot easier. It made sense now why her other self would choose to burn it down instead of salvage or sell it, it wasn't looming over her as she tried to move on with her life. Much like her father used to do, lurk in the corner rotting away and look down on everyone. She understood now why it had to be razed and by her own hand, because it took great strength to destroy something that defined her. A symbol of her past, just like the tattoo on her back. It had to be burned so she didn't have to set her eyes on it again.

She'd waited long enough. It was time to see what life she made for herself or rather what her father made her into.


	9. Reflection

 

 

 

 

_Absent_

Chapter 9

**Reflection**

* * *

By the time Riza made it to the barn the door was open and a dog was bounding towards her. He looked like a large mutt mix with Labrador and Shepard features and possible a little hound mixed in. He covered the distance quickly and bounced around her and barked before stopping to sniff her pants. His tail wagged and when he finally stopped sniffing she reached out to let him sniff her hand and he licked it. She pet his head and scratched his ears and then watched him dart back to the barn when he heard a whistle.

"Can I help you with something?"

Riza could hear the edge to _her_ voice, she knew the dog was there to assess the person and report back all while she was in the sights of a rifle. Hearing herself talk was surreal, was that how she actually sounded? "I am told that you are an alchemist. I need your help."

"You're not from around here. Who told you that?"

Riza would have to answer correctly or that door would shut forever. She recalled her conversation with the postmaster and replied, "A bookseller in East City."

There was a pause and then, "What do you need?"

"I have a coin that may be referenced in some of your rarest books." Riza replied. She recalled _those books fr_ om her past _._ The ones that were so precious they had been kept in a locked safe, away from the moisture and temperature fluctuations of the house. The safe was homemade, the scrap metal from the old windmill and hinges from the old ice box, her father made sure to craft it so it was secure. Only alchemy could open it and anyone else would think it was just a metal junk box. After her father died she had shown it to Roy, he figured out the madness behind the lock and unveiled the treasures. He offered to sell them for her but she couldn't bring herself to do it. She could see the look in his eyes when he saw the titles, that glow of excitement when you looked upon something you didn't think existed anymore, and couldn't deny him the books. Somehow she convinced him to just take them as payment for taking care of her father's funeral costs, he agreed and he still had the books on his shelf in his apartment. They were possibly one of a kind now. Obsolete but still valuable, priceless to him because it was a gift from her. Her own life aside, she knew that _those_ books had to still be here, if nobody knew they still existed how could they order them through the bookseller? "I was told you have some exceptionally rare material that not even the State Alchemist library in Central has."

"You're a state alchemist?"

"No. I.." She knew this was her opportunity to take advantage of the paranoia that had to be instilled in her from their father. There was only one reason she was still hiding in the shadows of the barn, she worried about visitors. In her own days on this farm, she looked forward to people stopping by as it gave her some form of interaction outside of her hermit parent. This Riza never got that opportunity though, she would have been too busy to talk to neighbors or townspeople because she had transitioned from daughter to apprentice. Berthold Hawkeye was absolutely unforgiving when it came to studies and did not believe in distractions. So she answered as she would have answered if it was her father. "I don't trust the military with this knowledge. I don't want them to even know it exists."

There was a long pause and finally the door squeaked open further and she saw the glimpse of a figure in the opening. "Come in."

That gained her access. _She was too much like her father._ He was always so suspicious of people and would ask questions to determine their political stances. If they leaned to much towards pro-military he would ask them to leave. Roy was the exception. He was so young he hadn't formed a solid opinion yet and her father thought he could influence that. Ironically he did, he helped convince Roy that someone who could think about the needs of the people should be part of the country's controlling force, someone like him who wanted to see that power used for the help of the masses. This Riza, however, only knew what Berthold Hawkeye told her. Perhaps she feared him refusing to teach her alchemy if she didn't adopt his political views and after a while it could be so hard to find your way back to the truth. It could be hard to find yourself at all. She could certainly see him being adamant as the end drew near that the military never find out what she knew, only suffering would come from it. It would also explain how she never reached out to her remaining family, as her grandfather was a _General_ and would be in the top echelon of officers. Nobody got there without compromising themselves, not in a corrupt system. She had to tread carefully. She had to talk with herself as if she was talking to her father and that was enough to turn her stomach.

Riza walked into the barn and saw there was a small visiting area set up in the tack room. There were several lanterns hanging from the rafters giving enough light to lead to the small enclosure and she heard a cow munching away on hay. Of course this Riza had been up early to milk and feed, that was her life and livelihood. The smell of the barn and animals brought her back to a simpler time that she honestly had enjoyed. Sure there were days in the coldest part of winter when waking up to milk the cow was a horrible chore, but she felt more at home out here than in the house. She cared for the animals and they gave her affection she lacked from her father. They meant a lot to her and she wasn't afraid to admit she cried for them when she had to bury them and never shed a tear for her father at his grave. It was a good memory here, it actually felt like home.

However it was _not_ home and she had to remember that. This was an illusion and her real life was hanging in the balance somewhere else. Nostalgia could wait, there were more urgent issues. The other version of her was lighting some lanterns in the tack room where she clearly intended to do business. Her back was to he as she went in and the dog blocked her path to try and get more scratches and put himself between her and his human. Riza pulled the coin out of her pocket and placed it on the table that was used to use to repair leather. She was determined to take charge of the situation before the other Riza could scrutinize her too closely so she tried to keep her eyes down and focused on petting the dog to avoid the other woman getting a good look at her features. She had had a fleeting look to confirm this was indeed a version of her, a tanned short-haired version of herself who was somehow more focused on the details of alchemy than her surroundings.

Riza saw their difference immediately, how quickly the other version of her allowed herself to be absorbed in the riddle of alchemy on the coin, like Roy was, and was at ease doing so. Yet here she was in the doorway using her sniper training to listen to the location of the animals in the barn, survey the entrances and exits and count the steps required to get to the rifle leaning on the wall if she needed it. It was then that she realized _she_ was the threat here and that overwhelmed her a little. This alternative Riza had never seen war. Never seen the training at the academy. Never seen alchemy twisted for malicious applications. She had her upbringing to thank for being suspicious and jumpy, not experience.

"What language is this?"

"I have confirmed it to be the language of Xerses. It roughly translates to 'The other side of the coin'." Riza said and the woman across from her simply continued to study the coin. She didn't consider lifting her eyes to study her face to see if she was lying. She didn't worry that she was now effectively trapped in the room with her only exit blocked by a stranger. Riza didn't consider any of that to be an option, even in a casual setting she absolutely had to have an exit strategy and have the strategically best location with her back to a wall and be at the ready to draw her gun if needed. She had completely misjudged this situation when she was mentally planning for it, the only nightmare to be found here was _her._

"Interesting."

It was _interesting._ Riza was watching herself act like an alchemist and it was something that seemed so natural to this version of her it was hard to doubt what she was seeing even if it was hard to comprehend. This woman was completely engrossed in the puzzle in her hand, already pulling a notebook from a shelf to start writing down the symbols and break them down into something more digestible. All with the same methodical practiced ease that she was used to breaking down a gun. It wasn't a foreign concept, she saw this in Roy and the boys every time their eye caught something that challenged them a little, but this was _her._

"Other side of the coin...is more like the other side of your brain." The alchemist Riza said. "Conscious versus subconscious."

Said in her voice, in that same tone she got when she was being professional. Very focused. Succinct. Completely zoned in on her task.

"This is very advanced for a culture as old as Xerses. It's advanced for our culture right now. My books will not be able to shed any light on this. My collection is older and focuses on gases and combustion. I don't deal in biology. I don't have anything on coin collecting or ancient history."

Riza nodded. That didn't mean she was done. The other woman didn't pry her eyes away from the coin and she was still writing and working on some notes of her own. "Perhaps _you_ can help me?"

That was too far and finally concentration was broken. "Why would you think I have the expertise to help you with this? I have never sold a book that has dealt with ancient alchemic history or relics."

Of course there wasn't a book on any of this in that house. Berthold Hawkeye's collection was focused on one thing and one thing alone: fire. He had books on combustion engines, studies on efficient fuels, temperature regulators, oxygen as an element, photosynthesis and respiration, oxidation, oxygen in the industrial age and exothermic reactions. Anything that could help him understand how to create and control fire. He had his basic alchemy books, like any other alchemist, but his library was dedicated to his passion. Early man banged rocks together to make a spark, he didn't believe modern man understood fire any better than just how to apply it to what they wanted. "The bookseller said he thought you had a book about fire in the history of warfare and weapons. This coin seems like a weapon."

"It's still not my field and unfortunately this is not the primitive type of warfare that would be in that kind of book. I'm sorry. I can't help you."

It was stretch of reason, but alchemists fed off of those. Other Riza was at least giving her some feedback, probably feeling sorry that she couldn't help her at all. However, she did have things to do and was not going to waste time with trying to do something she knew wasn't in her realm of comprehension. Always efficient. So Riza knew her time was up and it was time for the truth if she wanted answers. "It's because it's not the actual research I wanted to show you. That coin is part of it, but I need to show you something else to explain why I'm here."

The other Riza ripped the page from the notebook and folded it to give it to her, along with the coin. When she looked up the stranger had already turned her back to her and then shocked her by lifting up her shirt. She was going to demand to know why this woman was taking off her shirt for her but then her eyes fixated on something very familiar and she was stunned into silence. A few moments elapsed before she could finally ask, "How... _where_ did you get that?"

Riza pulled her shirt back down over the base of her tattoo and turned around. She didn't pull the shirt up enough to show the burn scar, that would have been too much. She locked eyes with the other version of her and saw the further disbelief as she saw a copy of herself. "I think you know who I got that from. There is only one man that had that research and only one man mad enough to imprint it on the back of his own daughter."

"This..." Alternative Riza looked down at the coin. "This is what the coin does?"

She was surprised at how quickly she accepted this, but she _was_ an alchemist. They were always quick to see past the impossible to the science underneath. "I am you. I'm Riza Hawkeye. I'm a different version of you who didn't become an alchemist and my father felt the only way to pass on his research was to carve it into my skin instead of my brain. You're the other version of me. The other side of the coin. In my life, my father had an apprentice he choice to be the next flame alchemist. Unfortunately, he ran out of time before that apprentice came back to him and he was determined to record his research somewhere in case he didn't live to see the day of the apprentice's return. He made it seem like it was _my_ choice, but it wasn't. I told myself it was, but I was so scared of him it was the only way I could feel in control of the situation. He told me it was _my_ choice to pick the next flame alchemist even though he knew damned well I had fallen in love with the boy he had already trained. Roy Mustang was chosen long before I ever saw him again. Our Father didn't choose me, he was left without another choice."

"If you're an alchemist..."

"I'm not an alchemist." Riza admitted. It was like talking to herself and the truth flowed too easily because she was desperate for answers. She knew she was running out of time so words fell from her lips that she never admitted to anyone. She had been too scared to think about too much because she feared losing that control. She feared feeling like she was just used and had never had a say in her life at all. However, truth was truth and it was the only thing that could help her find answers. "He had an alternative and instead of teaching me... he _branded me_ with his information. I can't imagine learning from him was much better than what I endured. At least mine was done quickly and over in a short amount of time however you have to know he was capable of tattooing his research on his own daughter. You had to, he was mad. There was no telling the lengths he would have gone to if he couldn't pass on his research and let that live on somehow. You had to fear the consequences of failure more than anything."

There was silence as they looked at each other with the same knowing sad look. No communication was necessary.

Riza pointed to the coin. "I wouldn't be here unless I had to be. I never wanted to come back here again. I never wanted to think about him again. I never wanted to realize that maybe all my choices in life were actually made for me. I don't want to relive what happened to me in that house. None of it. It's gone and I can't remember it beyond the smells of that crawlspace because I had to mentally destroy the feeling of being there alone with him and his madness. That's why that house isn't standing anymore, because I refuse to look at it again and remember questioning why I was having to care for him as he died when he never took care of me as a child. My memories of that house all revolve around Roy now. Good times studying with him or having him help me with chores. The day he finally came back and how good it felt to share this horrible secret on my back with someone. To know someone else was outraged by what happened to me and that I wasn't wrong about how terrible my father was to do that. You know that feeling, how much I questioned myself because normal human emotions were in no way a part of Berthold Hawkeye anymore. It was so good to have someone know what happened and...care about _me_."

"I learned." Alternative Riza said. "I am the Flame Alchemist. Isn't that what schooling is for? Learning and...developing skills? I...accepted that it was the only way he knew how to share. It wasn't easy, but I learned and he finally paid attention to me."

"At what cost?" Riza asked. _Abuse comes in so many forms Riza Hawkeye._ "In hindsight, it's easier to see and easier to avoid but you're not at fault for what happened. Neither of us where. He wasn't the same after Mom died, and that wasn't our fault."

"Get out." Alternative Riza said and pushed the coin and paper into the other woman's hands. She refused to take it knowing to would conclude this conversation.

" _I can't_ , not without your help." Riza said, frustration finally evident in her voice. Was she going to have to fight herself to get the answers? Fight to make this woman see past the denial and start questioning her actions? It wasn't fair, but so little in her life had been fair. "You're an alchemist, you seek truth! Don't shut your eyes to it. Truth is horrible and not fair. I've talked about this so many times, too many times, with everyone _but_ myself because I was too scared to venture into my past and not find explanations to make this all make sense. We lived in that house with the man who created flame alchemy, the most _powerful_ form of alchemy this world has ever known. He was capable of the research but not the application, that is why he had to pass it on to someone else. He was defeated by his work, he couldn't master his own life's obsession and had no other choice than to force it on someone else. It's complex and requires someone with exceptional mental capacity and he had deteriorated so much that he was no longer capable of that. You know that is the truth."

"We are not the same, I don't know how you know this information." The alchemist looked down at the coin. "Is this what this coin does? Make me question myself? Give you access to my past, my memories?"

"We are the same and I know if I don't unload everything on you, then you will have no reason to hear me out. You are work driven, you make use of every minute of your time especially here on the farm by yourself. You have no reason to speak with me other than the fact that you might have been able to sell off a valuable item or make some cash from advising me with your expertise. You saw I have a nice car, you know I'm not from around here. You sized me up when you sent your dog out and evaluated whether or not I am worth your time. I did the same." Riza said and took another step closer to the other woman so they had no choice but to look at each other. One worn down from work and the lack of finances to take care of herself, one worn down from work and the demons of her past. "Look at yourself and see the other path you could have had in your life. That is what this coin is for. You stayed here and became the new flame alchemist. I left and _created_ the new flame alchemist. Either way we are still bound to the same thing."

"So...you're trying to prove yourself to me? You need me?"

"I need _to get out of here_." Riza answered honestly. She could always count on herself to answer the plea for help. "This coin has me trapped in my own mind looking at a life that I thought would be better without my decisions. I wouldn't want your life and I don't have the time to think about how happy Roy might be without me in his. Right now he's in danger and he's very possibly going to die if I don't get back to him. So I need you to help me determine if I have what it takes to activate this array and go back to normal."

"It's not that simple. You just can't learn alchemy in a day. You should know that." The alchemist replied offended.

"You exist because I have the knowledge so dammit, _help me_." Desperation was slowly taking over and she felt like everything was slipping away from her. She thought that talking about the truth would help her unlock some portal, perhaps she was taking what Ed said about the realm of Truth too literally, but truth was the foundation of what alchemists sought out. Truth in nature broken down into elements and reactions, truth in the cost of dabbling in something greater than humans should. Truth in telling herself that what she feared might be true. She hoped that that paid the toll for whatever information she needed to move on and free herself from this before more fears became a reality.


	10. Separate Destinations

 

 

 

_Absent_

Chapter 10

**Separate Destinations**

* * *

"What _aren't_ you telling me? Why have you only told me about our shared life and not how you lead yours?"

"I joined the army." Riza answered honestly. There was no reason not to. This was going nowhere. "I left here and became a soldier because there was someone I wanted to protect. Not something, _someone._ "

"The apprentice you mentioned. Roy."

"Yes. Roy Mustang, the Flame Alchemist." Riza replied and then added, "Father was right, it is a weapon of such horrible power that it should have never been in the hands of the government. We were naive and we were shown how very wrong we were in the desert of Ishval. We don't deny that or the atrocities we committed now, we seek redemption and Roy is the only one who can change this country and put it back in the hands of the people. He...would not be on this path if it wasn't for me. He'd be happy."

"You still sound naive to me. If the country is so bad you have to change it than why do you think it's going to be better without your interference?"

"Maybe there is equivalent exchange after all." Riza answered. "In exchange for this power we have both suffered... but without our suffering we would still be blind to what needs to be done. We wanted to save people and were willing to sacrifice our lives to do so, I suppose Truth did just that. Took our lives out of our hands and we have to struggle to get to the top. After all what is a sacrifice without pain, right?"

"He must be something special if you could trust him with...the family secret." Alternative Riza crossed her arms. A soldier. Her. It was plausible, in an environment where an outside influence was allowed to affect the control...the experiment could yield unforeseen results. Still this was hard to see as something more than rebellion, rebellion against everything her father had tried to impress upon her about the government. That tattoo, however, the fact that he would go that far made her understand why this other Riza would decided to not listen to his warnings. Why listen to a man who could do that to you? She wasn't here to question this other women's choices in life, just one choice. "However now that the world knows of flame alchemy's devastation, you can not take it back."

"There will be no more flame alchemists." Riza said definitively and turned around again. It took a lot to be close to this woman she aggravated and turn her back to her and make herself vulnerable. At least when she did it before she was a few steps away and had shock value on her side, but now she was clearly putting herself at a disadvantage. Still, she lifted her shirt up far enough to show off the burn scar. "I trusted him to decode _and_ destroy it. I trust him to not pass it on to anyone else. I trust him completely."

"He...did that?"

She could hear how horrified she was. Of course the conclusion most people would make was that the research was destroyed after it was taken. She put her shirt down and turned to look herself in the eye. "I made the choice. I asked him to do it. I wanted it gone, just like when I gave it to him, I just wanted it gone. I didn't think of him. How much it hurt him...I was so desperate. He thinks this was all his fault but it was _mine_. I made the choice. It hurts him more than me and I wish I had another choice."

"Would you do it again?" Alternative Riza asked. "Knowing what you know now. Of how it ruined him and how happy he is without it? Would you still follow through with your actions knowing the results it yielded?"

"Yes." Riza answered honestly and without having to think about it. "Because part of me is still that naive fool who thinks we could change things. You're right, not knowing what is going on doesn't make you any better off, it only makes you vulnerable. We know the truth at such a heavy price, but we define ourselves by what we do with that knowledge. Isn't that what alchemy is about? Well for me, not being an alchemist all I can do is see him to the top. I _will_ watch him make this a better country. I need your help to do that though, because I'm afraid of what will happen to him when he finds me _in reality_. That coin is a trap meant for him and whoever made it is not going to abandon their goals because the wrong person picked it up. They'll alter their plans and use me against him. Will you help me?"

"I wish I could." Alternative Riza put the coin in her hand and the paper with her notes on top of it. "I don't know how. Even if I did... this alchemy is toying with your brain... anything even _slightly_ wrong will do serious damage. This isn't novice alchemy this is incredibly complex."

"Oh God..." Maybe it was going to be even worse than she thought. If Roy tried to save her he could damage her brain _himself._ Losing her would be rough, but being the one who did it would destroy him.

"I'd like to help you." Alternative Riza said. "My focus was on flame alchemy. I know I had to learn the basics but like you said, there was a lot of pressure to finish my studies before it was too late. I learned enough to see what this is about and know it's outside my realm of understanding. I'm sorry."

The coin and paper felt _so heavy_ in her hand now. She thought that this would be the answer but it yielded nothing. She came expecting a woman who was basically her father's shadow but instead she found a version of her that seemed functional and content.

"I...know it seems like I was without a choice in the matter." The other Riza said and took a deep breath, as this was the first person she had ever been able to actually confide in. "And at first I did it because I was afraid of the alternatives but after a while I tried to use it to understand him. I thought that by learning alchemy and embracing his life's work as my own that maybe I could see why it was more important than me. I guess a part of me thought that if I wasn't worth something before I might be worth more as an alchemist. Like turning lead into gold. Two elements so close but one worthless and one prized."

"Did it work?" Riza had to ask. Her father was the enigma she could never start to comprehend.

"No." The answer was so sad. "When I produced that first controlled flame...success came with fear. There was no pride, there was no smile of triumph. When he saw what his research had made, he told me I could never use it again."

"I'm sorry." Riza wanted to tell her how proud she was of her, accomplishing something she didn't believe herself capable of. Instead she knew it would be more effective to try to explain her father's reaction. "He had effectively passed on his work and in doing so lost control over it. Without it he was nothing. So he had to try to control how it was used."

"I have very little use for it." She shrugged and cocked her head. "The other Flame Alchemist...how does he make the spark? You said he is military, I assumed you meant a State Alchemist. I'm sure he could tattoo his array on himself but he still needs a spark."

"Gloves." Riza said and saw the other alchemist consider that. "Ignition cloth gloves. He snaps his fingers to make a spark and controls the oxygen in the air for targeting and flame intensity. He has excellent control."

"That's very...dramatic."

Riza had to smile. "There is a certain flair to Roy Mustang that is very unique to him. He doesn't use flame alchemy much either, he is very careful to not show anyone exactly how powerful it is."

"You're proud of him."

It was said as a statement of observation not jealousy and Riza had to smile. "Very."

"I hope you can save him. I'm sorry I can't help you."

"Thank you for hearing me out. I am glad I came." She was being honest. She feared coming here for so many reason but it felt like there was a burden lifted now. She no longer had to worry about unearthing some long embedded issues tracing back to her childhood. She could see her father for who he was and how she wasn't at fault. She was just a kid and expecting herself to have done any different wasn't fair. The woman she was today would have stood up to him, but as a child she didn't know any better. Hindsight was always a lot clearer.

"You talk about Roy, but I'm more interested in you. What do you do in the military? Are you married to him?"

"No, we're not married." She said it with a smile, to hear her talk about Roy all the time would certainly give the impression that they were more than just co-workers. Riza knew she tended to focus on Roy more than herself. She told herself it was because he was so good at hiding things that she had to always pay attention to him, but it was merely a habit formed to stop herself from thinking too much about herself. Her skills had been honed in observation, not deconstruction and understanding. She didn't want to think about all this because it hurt to dredge up the past. She looked at her other self and realized she wanted to know who she was outside of her attachment to the Flame Alchemist. She was curious about her as well, what kind of woman she had become. "I am a sniper."

"I was unaware they let women be snipers."

"I was the first." Riza said. "I had the highest scores in the academy, high enough they sent me to Ishval before I graduated. I had the highest confirmed kill count during the war."

The other Riza thought about that for a few minutes. Killing people took more than just marksmanship. "So your burden is not just flame alchemy."

Riza shook her head. "No. I took a lot of lives and no matter how many times someone tells me it was 'orders' or 'my job'...or even 'defense of my country'...it never excuses that I killed civilians. Our country was in no danger from Ishval, our country just wanted Ishval gone."

"So your desire to change things comes from that." Riza nodded, understanding the passion now. Still, as she looked at this soldier version of her she couldn't help but be impressed. That was an incredible undertaking, especially considering she had rarely felt the need to leave her hometown. "How?"

Riza cocked her head, not understanding the question.

"How will you do it? Change things? How can one person change the country?"

"Roy is going to be Fuhrer. I intend to help him get there." She replied and saw a look of awe coming from this alternative version of herself. A version of Riza Hawkeye who had become the Flame Alchemist was suddenly looking at her like she was something special. Not the man she supported, but her. "It's why I need to get back to him. This isn't just about us."

"You should give alchemy a try. I think you might find it's a lot easier if you look at it like you're shooting. " The Flame Alchemist replied. "How you let all the peripherals fade out and just hone in on one target and nothing else exists in that moment. You calculate the distance and wind speed and know your weapon, it all comes with practice. I had to come to that by myself because I just couldn't focus on the energy and all the elements at play until I looked at it that way. That's your comprehension. Your deconstruction is the pull of the trigger and the releasing of the energy, from the impact on the primer to the ignition of powder...to the propulsion of the projectile. Reconstruction is the collecting the bullet and harvesting the meat. Transforming it into life once again by making it food. It's hard to let go of everything and just focus on that target...but you have to see it and nothing else. That target is your transmutation circle. You just need to keep thinking about all those elements at play before pulling your trigger. But follow through with it, stay steady and maintain focus on the object until you see it impact and then go process it and complete the cycle. "

That was actually incredibly helpful. She had never thought of alchemy like that. Not that it would do much good now, but if she survived this she might ask Roy to show her something, just to see if she could. He would transform in to that enthusiastic teenager again and, success or failure, that would be worth it. She felt like she owned this other version of her a parting gift as well. "You should give the world outside of Frenau a try. I know it has it's problems and it's hard to trust people, but there are good people out there. People who will be better for knowing you and make you feel valued. You have a grandfather in East City, General Grumman. He's a goofy... somewhat inappropriate old man but he is family. He will welcome you with open arms, no questions asked. He'll also tell you about your Mom and...breathe some life into some vague memories. He'll be proud of you. Trust me."

"I...well, thank you." the woman replied somewhat surprised. She hadn't heard that name in years but the idea that she could learn more about her mother was enticing.

With that Riza put the coin and paper in her pocket, pet the dog one last time and let herself out. She walked back to the car and tried to think of anyone else she could go to for help, but there was nobody better than Roy, Ed and Al for this task. They were working on it for her and if she had the answers _anywhere_ in her head, than it would come from them. Her skepticism about her own ability was probably blocking her alternative self from having the answers.

Hayate was still sitting in the passenger seat when she came back. She opened the door and signaled for him to get out so he could pee, making sure she pet him for being a good boy before he hopped down and got out of the car. She sat down in the drivers seat and got her gun back out and reattached it to her belt. Then she grabbed her uniform off the back seat and put it on. That done, she sat back and stared at the remains of her childhood home and tried to not give up hope. This was becoming like a nightmare where she was frozen in place and couldn't run away from the terror following her. She just wanted to get home but the key in her hand was not something she could use.

She was startled out of her thoughts as her dog jumped into her lap. He usually waited to be told to get in but he must have sensed she needed some comfort. In an instant he was standing on her shoulders and looking for a hug and she relaxed and cuddled him. He always knew when she needed some support and a distraction. She closed her eyes and hugged her dog and tried to not think about him having to comfort Roy like this in the event of her demise.


	11. Lost Heaven

 

 

 

 

_Absent_

Chapter 11

**Lost Heaven**

* * *

Riza had intended to pay more attention to the scenery on the drive back to East City in an attempt to validate the theory that this was all recycled memories, but she couldn't stop thinking about her predicament long enough to pay attention to the pastures and farmhouses. Hayate kept his paw on his leg as he slept and she knew he was trying to reassure her, but she still couldn't help but feel lost. It was a horrible feeling knowing she was trapped inside her own mind. All of this was her creation and she couldn't find her way out of it. Every "what-if" scenario she had ever conceived was hidden somewhere in this world and it all was out there waiting for her.

The problem was she was without anyone to turn to that might have specialized in neurological alchemy. That was what alternative Riza had to be telling her, was that she couldn't possibly activate this array without understanding all the nuances of that science. It was hard to recall if the boys had researched that in their quest to bring back their bodies, perhaps they had spoken to Roy about it at some point? She might not know about that specialty, but the fact that some part of her brain recognized it in order to tell her that...meant she had come across it at some point.

Even though she was privy to information about local alchemists due to Roy's job, she didn't memorize their specialties like he did. He was the one who was the highest ranking alchemist in East City, so it fell under his purview to monitor all state alchemists in the region, ensure they were aware of upcoming assessments and report to General Basque Grand, head of the alchemist Corps, in Central. A lot of names had gone through their office over the years and occasionally he would share their skills or specialties, but overall it was mostly a bureaucratic process. Names, folders, signatures, filing. It wasn't personal and alchemists were not personable.

In her heart she truly believed Roy, Ed and Al capable of anything. Unfortunately that was a broad spectrum of _anything;_ from complete destruction to accomplishing the impossible. That was what worried her was that knowledge that things could and would go wrong when dealing with alchemy and each one of those alchemists had been already scarred by their powers. This reality was, after all, constructed from her darkest fears.

The trip to East City was uneventful, not that she was expecting any different. She brought the car back to the motor pool and signed it back in without so much as a blink of the eye from the Sargent on duty. She left the lot and walked back out onto the street and checked her watch. It was getting close to noon so she didn't want to run into anyone going to lunch. Unfortunately that was not how her day was going to go. No sooner did she think it than it happened.

"Lieutenant!"

She turned, hopeful as ever that things were back to normal. Roy was next to his car with the Elric brothers in the back seat looking at her through the rear window. He was smiling and gave her a wave. "Sir?"

"You could join us for lunch?" Roy asked hopefully. He was being too pushy. Dammit. "No pressure, I know you're coming by this evening, but since I saw you I thought you might...be hungry."

It was amazing to see him so awkward at conversation. How was this Roy so innocent? How in the hell did her mind ever come up with this version of him? She walked over and saw he was just standing there with his car door open smiling, trying not to listen to Ed barking at him to 'shut up, oh my god this is why you will die alone!'. Then it struck her that the reason he was tongue tied was because he was smitten...w _ith her._ He wasn't like this when they first talked in his office yesterday but after last night he truly was interested in her and was eager to see more of her. That...was probably something they skipped over in their relationship. They danced around each other a little at her father's funeral but things got familiar again so fast that they skipped this stage of their relationship completely. They had never dated and now she was getting the chance. It was also a chance to be with people that were familiar and she needed that comfort right now. "I'd love to."

Roy darted around to the other side of the car and opened the passenger door. "Great!"

Riza walked over and could hear Ed mumbling in the back seat but it did nothing to damper Roy's smile. He was completely fixated on her. It was strange, this idea was somehow seated in the back of her mind that he could be happy without her _but_ that he would still be attracted to her even if they didn't have a history. She got in and sat down and Roy waited for Hayate to jump in her lap even though Al opened the back door to offer him a seat with them. The doors closed and she heard a whisper from the back.

"He's not a loser, he's just doesn't have a lot of time to date." It was Ed. Of course it was Ed.

"It's so good to see you again!" Al said and reached forward to pet Hayate. "We've been working on your coin project. It's really fortunate we ran into you so you two don't have to talk about it on your date tonight, we can all help you with it now."

Riza smiled at him. Sweet Al trying to pave the way for a real date and also ensure they had a chance to size her up. She always did feel like he had a future in diplomacy if he ever wanted it. "I appreciate your assistance on this. It's something I just can't forget about until I figure it out."

They boys nodded enthusiastically. They understood and they also were excited Roy was dating someone who understood that feeling.

Roy opened the door and got in. He barely gave anyone a chance to brace themselves before he shifted into drive and pulled into traffic without looking.

* * *

Lunch was probably the most normal event she had participated in thus far. It wasn't uncharacteristic for Roy to treat the boys to a meal when they were in town, although he was never _this_ nice about it. He usually tried to play it off as a reason to get out of the office and would flirt shamelessly with the waitress, but he always made sure that Ed got a chance to sit down and eat. Ed, having the chance to eat with Roy footing the bill, ensured the kid got the largest meal he had in probably a month. They would usually settle into a truce of sorts to enjoy their meal, both being raised to have manners at the table, but they weren't _this_ well behaved. There would always be snide remarks and insults and smirks and kicks in the shin, today it was more like a family meal.

She had already surrendered the coin and "her" notes to the boys so they could study it further and she could see their appreciation for the notes the other Riza had written. At least it wasn't a wasted trip in that regard. "I haven't made much progress."

"No, this is actually a lot considering your specialty is not bio-alchemy." Roy said and smiled at her.

"We worked on this last night, from the sketches we made." Ed said and pulled out his notebook. He showed her a portion of the array. "What we think is that it's more of a neuroinhibitor, much like how your brain turns off your body when you sleep."

"REM sleep, where your dreams occur, is when your motor neurons are inhibited so your muscles get rest." Al said. "It's all chemicals."

Riza sat there and recalled where she had heard all this before, _her doctor_. She had issues sleeping and finally had to go to a specialist to determine if she could take something for it. He prescribed a sleep aid which was going to work on the receptors in her brain to promote relaxation and work as an overall sedative. She took them once and never again, she didn't appreciate how it felt to be drugged and lose the recollection of time when she had been on them. That was not helping because now she was questioning whether or not she ever woke up this morning and went to work. "So are you telling me it's a sleep drug and not a weapon?"

"No." Roy said and shifted in his chair. He was intrigued by the topic and also her take on things. For an alchemist she really did get to the point quickly. "I still think this has malicious intent. It uses alchemy to override the brain's chemical producing abilities. I was wrong, I thought it was bio-electricity but the boys pointed out I was missing this part here...it's all chemicals."

"So..." Riza was determined to try and make sense of this information herself, however she had to take a moment to wait on Ed to boast about how he had bested Roy in something. It didn't come. These three had grown up studying and working on alchemy together and were used to it. It was a nurturing and positive think tank, not competitive and guarded in any way. Roy could admit he was wrong to Ed and Ed could just shrug it off. This...was unbelievable. "The array is activated and then it takes control of the way the brain produces these chemicals needed for sleep. Then these neuroinhibitors are activated and paralyze the body while the brain enters a deep sleep and creates this world you don't want to leave or wake up from. However there is a way to exit this dream by activating the reverse of the coin and allowing the chemicals to revert back to normal."

"Yeah." The three of them said in unison and stared at her. How had this woman just walked into the office and into Roy's life was beyond them. The Elrics didn't want to admit to themselves they were a little jealous.

"What about the coin's composition?" She asked. This sounded a lot more like the drug she had been on, it was capable of producing a feeling of euphoria and was widely abused as a narcotic. However, in this world Roy was the expert on bio-electricity and probably had an understanding of chemicals to go with it but what they were dealing with was neuro-science and he was understandably timid about making statements about the way the brain worked. She had a knowledge of this from her struggles with PTSD induced nightmares and her insomnia brought about by not wanting to sleep. Confident she knew the source she moved on to the coin itself. Ed was still the Full _metal_ alchemist. He understood earth and all it's core elements. He could determine if the coin was bronze, copper or something organic.

"It's clearly charged." Ed said and held it in his hand. "It's pretty incredible actually. Do you really think this is a philosopher's stone?"

She could tell he was trying to fish for information, Ed could be subtle by playing innocent sometimes. He was looking for her to divulge _why_ she knew about the stone and _how_ she had come across this information. He didn't want answers, he'd find them for himself when he found out where to get them. "I think it was made with little regard for human life and that, unfortunately, is exactly what you'll discover when you find out about the stone."

They looked at her and she gave them all a stern glance telling them that was all they'd get from her on that topic. Roy continued to be impressed by her. He pointed to another note on her paper. "Now that we understand _how_ this operates on the human mind in regards to science, we have some theories on what happens when the brain enters this state and has to cope with it."

"I'm not clear on how this alteration of chemicals does more than enable a sleep paralysis." Riza said and Ed was inspecting the coin and trying to not look like he was trying to figure out how to separate the metal components from the possible philosopher stone contributions in the alloy. It was at this point that she realized she did spend too much time around alchemists and had honed an odd skill for predicting their train of thought; not to engage them in conversation, but to prepare for them to engage in combat before realizing the conditions did not suit them. It was how she protected them, by understanding their passions and motivations. Even in their impetuous moments, everything was calculated because of how intrinsically skilled they were in alchemy. Now she could see how she understood so much of this without realizing it.

"Well that's where this comes in." Roy said and grabbed the coin from Ed's hand before he could do something stupid like destroy it so he could look at all it's components on his place mat. "Back to the topic of the neuro-biology. Since the chemicals are taking control of REM sleep it's highly possible that the extended time of this deep sleep is causing this. This deep sleep is not supposed to happen for so long so now the brain is trying to scare you out of sleep for self-preservation reasons and chase you out of your own mind."

"I've read a lot of medical and science journals about sleep disorders and how sleep is achieved." Al said. "I'm pretty confident in this conclusion."

Riza looked to him and Ed and Roy got a little quiet. Of course, Al couldn't sleep because he didn't have a body. He was trying to find answers in science to see if he could just shut down for a little while. She reached over and squeezed his hand and smiled. "I can't thank you all enough for how much work you put into this."

"We're not done!" Al said and produced his own notes.

"Actually..." Roy said as he looked at his watch. "We are. It's time for me to get back to work."

Ed huffed and took out his own watch to double-check the time. "Well, it doesn't mean we have to go with you."

"True." Roy said and pulled out his wallet to pay. "However I am sure the Lieutenant also is on lunch break and we do need to actually return her to work too. She doesn't work for me like you do."

Riza could see the disappointment on Ed's face and knew it didn't even come close to hers. Hearing Roy say that made her miss him all the more. She loved her job and hearing him say that just reminded her how she had to get this figured out to return to her own life. The fact was, despite everything she had done in the name of her job, she really did enjoy it. "The Colonel is right."

The boys grumbled and Ed wrapped his half-eaten sandwich in a napkin before finally getting up from the table. Roy sighed and watched the kid try to finish his drink, Ed had been too preoccupied with the coin to finish his meal. "Why don't I go get the car and you can finish?"

"Just let me write down a few of these notes and I'll be ready." Ed said and handed his sandwich to Al, and quickly tried to copy what Riza had on her notes. "I don't want to overlook anything."

Al set the sandwich down and started to sketch out the coin in his own notebook. "We can keep working on this today, you might have to go back to work but we don't."

"Ed _work_ s for me, remember?" Roy rolled his eyes and pulled his keys out of his pocket. "I'll go get the car."

"I _am_ working for you." Ed said with a smile. "You'll have a full report by the end of the day on our research findings."

"Maybe you can look in your files and see if there is a State Alchemist in the area with this as their specialty?" Al asked as Roy dramatically took out his watch again and held it up, looked at it and then snapped it shut. "Since you're going back to work."

"Who works for who?" Roy asked and turned to leave, tossing his keys in his hand to go get the car.

Riza gave him a smile as he passed, he blushed and returned it, and she felt it warm her to her core. He was still Roy and to see him smile at her like that always put her at ease. He was enjoying himself, relaxed and not at all worried about who saw it. She stayed at the table and waited on Ed to finish up with her notes and coin. Ed was scribbling so fast she didn't think he'd be able to read it later so she said, "I can let you copy that back at the office. I'm afraid if we let the Colonel come pull the car around he's going to park on top of us."

Al laughed and a smile broke out across Ed's face. "Brother, she's right. You're in more danger copying it than you are in never seeing it again."

Ed handed her notes and the coin back. "I appreciate it! It's been great doing research again for fun. We've really enjoyed it. Thanks for letting us help."

"Thanks for helping Roy get out of the office and house more." Al said quickly. "He's put his life aside for us and we want to see him happy like this, we really do."

"I appreciate your help more than you can imagine, as for the Colonel...well I enjoyed our date a lot. " She said and Ed put his notes in his pocket and grabbed his sandwich. The boys smiled at each other and she heard a metal-on-metal fist bump behind her when she left the establishment. It was really sweet how they had each other and looked out for him. Together they left the bistro and she got a visual on Roy again as he played with his keys and walked to his car. Then she saw someone moving quickly to cross the street that caught her eye and the hairs raised on her neck. Ed continued to talk but she was no longer listening.

Roy looked down and saw a ticket on the windshield and pulled it out from under the wiper. He couldn't believe some traffic cop thought that his parking job was a violation of...what did that say? 'Violation of _human rights_?' _What?!_ 'Humans using the sidewalk should be free of the torture of seeing this thing you call parallel parking.' Someone thought they were hilarious and as he looked up to see if that said person was coming to insult his driving skills he was confronted with a huge man in a canvas jacket. "So I take it you have an issue with my parking job?"

"No. I take issue with your job as a State Alchemist."

Riza was already in full flight, running towards the confrontation and panic gripping her heart. _Scar was here_ and he was right in front of Roy who was completely oblivious to the threat. She couldn't scream without distracting Roy and she wasn't sure the scream could even leave her throat as tight as it had gotten. Roy was not aware that he was in danger, he had no idea this man was a threat and was targeting State Alchemists. He held nothing but a piece of paper and a set of keys in his hands and looked like he wasn't intending to go for his weapon at all! He wasn't the flame alchemist, he didn't have gloves on and she didn't even know if he was capable of defending himself with his alchemy! She didn't care what his alchemy was about, he had a gun and he had two legs to move him away from that man and needed to do it immediately! As soon as she got closer she saw Scar's shadow looming over Roy. _No No No._ This was her greatest fear coming to life and she forced the words from her mouth as Scar made his move. "COLONEL, get down!"

The seconds ticked by slowly, and it felt like nightmare were motion was impeded. She never broke eye contact with Roy's back nor the man in front of him wearing a yellow canvas jacket. Her gun was just clearing the holster when Scar raised his hand and slammed it into Roy's face, shoving him backwards into the car. Her gun was barely up before she saw alchemy crackling around Scar's hand, then the gun was finally raised and pointed at her target. She locked on and fired, but not before Roy's face glowed with a transmutation that could possibly liquefy his brains. She didn't blink, she kept firing until the gun was empty and Scar was mid-air, bouncing back to avoid the bullets coming at him in rapid succession. Roy slumped against the car as she made it to his side and she dropped her weapon to grab his off his hip.

As the new gun cleared Roy's body she grabbed him as he started to slide down the car door. She went to the ground with him, trying to cushion the impact with the sidewalk and had her gun on Scar ready to pull the trigger when she saw red: the _red_ of Ed's coat as he joined the fray.


	12. Extinguished

 

 

 

_Absent_

Chapter 12

**Extinguished**

* * *

"Son of a bitch! You want a fight, you got one!"

It was the Fullmetal Alchemist doing what he did best and before she knew it everyone was out of her line of sight and in the road. The car blocked them from her view and she couldn't get up without pushing Roy off her lap. Worse, she didn't want to. His unresponsiveness and dead weight had froze her in place and she was scared to find out how _this_ confrontation with Scar went. Riza finally looked down at Roy's face and brushed back hair from his eyes and what she saw was an expression frozen in the horror of his last moment. Blood was dripping from around his open eyes, from his nose and ears. She started shaking as she check for a pulse and she couldn't feel one, his vacant stare looking past her and to the heavens above. "Roy?"

The street was filled with screams and explosions, complete and utter chaos as the Elrics fought with Scar on their own. Riza's tears were now falling freely and obscuring her vision as she tried to find signs of a beating heart as Roy's head lay in her lap. She kept trying to tell herself this _wasn't real,_ this was just a nightmare and he wasn't really dead, however fear wasn't rational and right now this was the culmination of all her fears. "Roy Mustang talk to me!"

There was a thunderous crash as something, possibly a building, came down in the road. The ground shook and she bent over to protect Roy as the debris rained down on them and the car. Glass shattered as the rubble landed on the windshield and flew through storefront windows. Then the dust cloud enveloped the area, making it impossible to see and hard to breathe as concrete and brick particles became one with the air. She kept her eyes shut and held Roy tight, but in that moment she knew he was nothing more than a lifeless body. There was no breath from his nose or mouth, he was limp in her arms and there was no movement from his chest. She pressed her cheek to his face and felt his warmth and sticky blood, but no breaths. Tears mingled with blood and she sat up to keep checking for vital signs, unwilling to accept the fact that he was dead. However deep down she _knew_...she knew because this was a nightmare she had before except this time she wasn't waking up.

Then there was movement and she froze.

It was Black Hayate nudging her from under the car where he took cover. He was at her elbow, pushing her with his nose and putting his paw on her arm to try to help in the only way he could. It worked. It reminded her that there was so muchmore to lose and she had to get her shit together. This wasn't real, but it _could be_ if she didn't get help to leave this nightmare. It took so much strength to let go of Roy and set him down on the sidewalk and she used the cover of the dust and debris to put a kiss on his lips. Not that there was anyone left on the sidewalks to see them, but old habits died hard. This wasn't real but that kiss felt _so damned real._ "Hayate, stay and protect him."

With that she stood and stepped over his body, her heart racing, tears falling and lungs screaming. To save Roy she had to keep moving forward, she had to get out of this terrible place and get back to reality. _I have to find my way without him._ Only by allowing this to destroy her would she really lose him forever. First and foremost she was a soldier and there were two teenage boys fighting a serial killer in the streets of East City that shouldn't be doing it alone. She composed herself and walked out from around the car, gun raised and ready to confront Scar without any support if need be.

That was when she realized it was eerily silent. Yes, there were people screaming and the sounds of bricks falling from a store edifice, but there was no _Ed_. No sounds of his antagonizing voice or his destructive attacks. As the dust began to clear thanks to a gentle breeze from the South, she saw the reason for that laying on the untouched brick street.

Al was in pieces, Ed's arm shattered and his face firmly gripped in Scar's hand. Time slowed once again and she was so very aware that any actions she took would be in vain. As she prepared to fire, Scar let Ed go and he fell backwards into the street, unmoving. _How._...how was she too late again? Tears fell again as she walked towards Scar without pulling the trigger. "Ed...Al? _Answer me_!"

"They answer to their God now."

Riza continued to walk towards Ed, unable to see anything but his small body and blond hair. Al was shattered, pieces of metal armor were all over the street and she walked past his head and saw no light, no life...and a piece of shrapnel embedded in his blood seal. Tears fell faster despite her attempts to keep them in check. She wanted to bend down and pick him up, but danger still lurked ahead. Danger looming over Ed's still body.

She had walked through the sands of Ishval, walked thorough the carnage and aftermath of battle, but she had been numbed to it. Here however, each footfall with a crunch of metal or automail under her boots, sucked the breath from her lungs and made her heart hurt with each pounding beat it took. She fell to her knees by Ed and pushed his hair from his face and saw the fear frozen in his eyes, the blood streaking down his youthful face, and finally her strength left her. Tears blurred her vision as she clutched Ed's sleeve, shaking him and trying to wake him. "Ed? Please answer me!"

Scar stood over her and blocked the light. She returned her focus to pointing her gun at his head. "Is that why you're here? To take the people that I love in exchange for those I took from you?"

"You want to answer for your sins." Scar replied. It was a statement, not a question.

"These boys already answered for their sins." Riza squeezed Ed's arm. "They had no part in this."

"That didn't seem to matter for my people." Scar replied. "If you wish to be judged by your God and your god alone, allow me to help you on your way..."

It was as she was staring at his mesmerizing hand of judgment, that she felt the heat; heat of the flames of hell swirling around them as her finger pulled back on the trigger and Scar's fingers snapped and crackled with a light of alchemy and moved closer to her head. As soon as her gun fired she saw a splash of blood from Scar's hand as the bullet went clean through it and did little to impede him. It was then that she realized the heat around her was not the proverbial flames of hell, but _real_ flames and they scorched Scar's tattooed arm and caused him to retract his hand right before it met her face. Then the blaze flared up, circled her and pushed him back before receding. There was only one person who could command fire like that, control it with enough precision that it wouldn't burn her or Ed yet still reduced Scar's arm to a bubbling burned mess of tissue. She turned and looked at the Flame Alchemist, but her heart sank when she saw herself and not Roy.

"After you left I remembered a book I sold that might be of use to you. I hopped a freight train to get here faster." The alternate Riza explained matter-of-factly and walked forward towards her double who was still sitting in the road beside a boy's body. The man who had attacked her was already gone, disappeared down a side street.

Riza looked up at her as she came over to her side and wiped her eyes. She couldn't believe that she had been the one to _save herself_. She stared at herself, a lighter in hand and a etching of the array on it. She stared at the painstakingly engraved array on the stainless steel lighter and her heart started to hurt again. Roy was dead because he was still a target even without his alchemy. Ed and Al were gone because they wanted to protect him, but someone needed to be there to protect them. They were just kids. In her world, pain had accompanied the power but they _were_ able to protect the people they loved. It was a sacrifice.

The other Riza bent down and reached over to check on the boy that was unmoving on the ground. She looked at his face and checked his pulse. So that attacker's alchemy did something to this boy's brain. Interesting. "I'm sorry, I was too late. You know him?"

"Yes." Riza said and brushed Ed's hair and ran her hand over his eyelids and stopped those unseeing golden eyes from staring at her. This wasn't real. The arrival of her other self was a reminder of that.

"A state alchemist?" Alternative Riza asked and pointed to a watch that had come loose from his pocket.

"The youngest ever. He is a prodigy, a hero of the people. Really what alchemy was supposed to be about." Riza watched herself lean over and try to take the watch. She grabbed the other woman's hand. " _What_ are you doing?"

Her hand froze where it was, the edge to the other woman's voice sounded like a growl of a mother protecting it's young and her grip was strong. She knew this boy very well it seemed. "The book you need may have been sold to the National Library. They buy most of my books. You'll need this to get in there."

Of course the other Riza saw through the death and destruction and looked at what was still valuable, she was a hunter gatherer. She saw salvage in loss, utilizing everything to it's fullest meant there was no room for sentimental value. It was how it had to be when you were too poor to afford the alternative. She couldn't blame her for not seeing how much that watch meant to him. It was just a military ID as far as she was concerned. It was a timepiece and she was running out of time. "Leave this with him, we'll take Roy's."

"Sure."

It was then that the other woman's hand grasped hers and squeezed in a show of sympathy. Immediately her emotions welled up and tears began to fall again as adrenaline ebbed and the pain of this moment hit her. Real or not, it was so real to her and she hated her mind for even considering this alternative to their encounter with Scar. Sirens began to blare in the distance and she felt a tug, telling her to stand and leave. "I can't leave him like this."

"You can't stay." The other Riza said. "Look around you, this is a dream. This is in your mind and your mind is taking away what you love. Trying to chase you out and back to those who care about you. It's telling you that all of this is taking a toll and you need to find a solution quickly."

"What is it telling you to do?" Riza asked. "Why did you leave your home on a whim to help me? You just met me. My story has to be...hard to believe. _I_ wouldn't believe me."

"Alchemists, we're supposed to help people and...search for truth. You have answers to questions I have been asking myself my whole life. I couldn't let you just leave without learning more." The other Riza held out her lighter. "This is the first time I was able to feel like I made a difference with Flame Alchemy. It can be used for something good. Maybe this is all about you finding your way home and me finding myself. If I think about it like alchemy, then two objects can not occupy the same space without changing. If you are the element that doesn't belong in my world, than terrible things may start happening because you have thrown things out of balance. Rebound from a transmutation like this is still very possible even if it didn't happen in the first alchemy stage. There is a balance to energy and that must be respected or nature will try to correct it. So you have to go to save us both."

"Give me that cloak over there." Riza said, it made sense what she was saying. She didn't necessarily believe her or why she was here, but did recognize it all as a threat to her existence. If this was another world, her presence here meant things were going to be changing for the worse soon.

The alternative Riza went over and picked up the red cloak, and saw the flamel embroidered on the back. This poor kid, he was just a teenager. What the hell was he doing working for the military and getting himself in the middle of all this? Another child, like herself, forced to grow up too fast. It didn't matter now, she could always read about him in a book later. He was gone and they were pressed for time. If they didn't leave they would surely be held for questioning by the military and she feared that more than the attacker coming back.

Riza stood and went over to get Al, hoping when she picked him up that he would wake from his state of shock and still be in there somewhere. However when she grabbed the portion of collar where his blood seal was attached, she saw a piece of Ed's automail embedded in it. That made her light-headed and she almost threw up. The thought of a part of Ed's vitality, of a reminder of his sacrifice, being what destroyed the blood seal that he bound his brother to this world with...it was too much. He gave that arm to keep Al in this world, and with that arm he released him. It came full circle.

"Are you ready?"

Riza turned and carried the helmet and collar over and knelt beside Ed again. She placed Al's helmet beside him, wrapped his arm around it and then took the cloak and draped it over them both. Then she bent down and placed a kiss on his forehead and started bawling. Of all the things that haunted her dreams, she never considered this. Her nightmares were about the lives she took by pulling a trigger, however here in this dream it was about the lives lost because she didn't. She hated this place and herself for creating it. She placed another kiss on Al's helmet and managed to croak out the words, "I'm sorry."


	13. Tempering

 

 

 

_Absent_

Chapter 13

**Tempering**

* * *

The alternative Riza pulled the Lieutenant off her knees and started walking towards the sidewalk, then she found herself being dragged over to a military vehicle. As they rounded the front of the car she saw another body; a man who she assumed was the Roy this woman talked about. There was a dog beside him, the dog she had seen waiting on his master in the car at the farm. She didn't say anything and watched as the other Riza said her goodbyes to a man she barely knew but loved in another world. It was enough to bring tears to her own eyes as she watched her run her hand through his hair, close his eyes and whisper words into his ear.

"I'm not going to let this happen." Riza said and squeezed her eyes shut as she pressed her face against Roy's cooling cheek. Without her he had been happy...but she wasn't prepared for this; For him to so easily fall victim to an enemy, for the boys to be lying in pieces in the street. _For them_ she would find a way out of this. Sirens were getting closer and she was forced to bring her goodbye to a close, something she had no idea how to do. How did she turn her back on him and walk away, even if he was beyond help.

"We need to leave _now_."

At least she had the other version of herself who had known loss, who processed it all with detachment. A few kisses to saw goodbye and finally a hand reaching into his pocket to take out his watch. Roy would have understood this, she didn't feel like she was some scavenger picking the valuables of bodies on a battlefield. He would have been demanding she take what she needed and carry on, that voice in her head made it easier to do what she had to do. She laid the watch on his chest and reached into his coat, hands slipping against his shoulder and then her fingers working the button on his epaulet. Then she slid of his rank designation and retracted her hand. She added it to the collection on his chest and took off the other one. If they were going to Central and needed to get in the library then she would need to be much higher ranking than a mere Lieutenant. She was focused now, focused on getting the hell out of this nightmare and making sure this reality never came to fruition.

"Out of time!" They were ready and not a moment too soon as the sirens got closer and to avoid being seen she had to pull the heartbroken woman off her knees and drag her into store to avoid being seen. The dog followed without being told.

Military vehicles arrived on scene and Riza could see Roy's team was the first to arrive. Fuery probably heard it on the radio and they all knew where Roy liked to have lunch. Reports of a kid fighting someone with alchemy, that would send them all running out the door without questioning it further. Her heart shattered again as she watched the team get out of the car and look at the utter destruction in the streets. Of course the eye was immediately drawn to a red cloak draped over a small body in the middle of it.

"That guy...he was at the warehouse when I came in on the freight train." The other Riza said. "I thought he was going to lock me up for hopping that train but he just wanted a light...and he asked me out."

Havoc. Riza knew exactly which one she was talking about. He would go out to smoke by the old warehouses next to the depot, the warehouses that were the start of all this. It was funny to think he would ask her out, but somewhere deep down she knew he had never pushed beyond friendship because he knew how close she was to Roy. She watched the cigarette drop from his mouth as he realized Ed wasn't moving. Fuery and Falman were already in tears, running to Ed and Breda was checking the perimeter. Checking for their commander. The time to leave was now. "We need to leave East City immediately. Protocol will be to lock down the area and monitor all transportation outlets so the enemy doesn't escape. The call will go out to Central, Roy's best friend is in military intelligence. He's been hunting Scar. When he gets here, he'll be on our trail quickly. The missing watch and epaulets may escape notice until then, but Hughes will see it plain as day."

"The next train is leaving at..."

"No trains. They'll be searching trains." Riza said and held out her hands. She looked at the stars and watch. "This is our ticket into Central. Nobody will stop us. I can get a car from headquarters. We'll drive."

"That wastes a lot of time."

"So will being detained by the military for questioning. Remember that I don't exist in personnel records and you hold the answers to the most powerful form of alchemy this world has ever seen." Riza replied and walked towards the back of the store. The shop keep had fled, probably upstairs to the apartment above. They left through the back entrance without being noticed. She pushed past her loss because she had to go back to being an officer to get them out of this. "Trust me on military protocol and I'll trust you with everything I have already learned about this coin. Maybe we need this car ride to figure all this out."

"First we have to go to the bookseller. I need to verify that is where the book went."

"Central Library will certainly have more books than you can imagine on the subject." Riza said. "But we'll stop at the bookstore first. Where is it?"

"Fountain Avenue." Other Riza answered and pulled an invoice from her pocket. "800 Fountain Ave."

The bookseller was located in the south section of town and thus out of the way for a drive to Central but there was a possibility a trip to the capital would be wasted if they didn't verify the book was there. This alchemy, this neuroscience, was relatively new and there were doubts in her mind that books had been published on the subject yet. This cutting edge science would be valuable to the alchemist who mastered it and the government would certainly be interested in this as a weapon. Publishing the research would make it available to too many and alchemists were not known for sharing. So it was time to get a car to make it easier on themselves. Getting back to HQ was much easier using the many back alleys in East City, they were only two blocks away now. "Why did you really come to East City? It wasn't to help me with a book. Something else made you leave home."

"I'm an alchemist. I seek answers, you have them."

It was a simple answer and an honest one. In the brief talk they had in the old barn she had probably given her more information than she realized that she had questions for. Right now _she_ was the philosopher's stone, improbable and perplexing but oozing knowledge without having to work for it. It was understandable how appealing this was to the other Riza, someone she could confide in...someone who had made sense of the enigma named Berthold Hawkeye.

"I'm sorry about your friends."

"It's hard to see and not believe it's real, but I know this isn't where I belong and I know I have to get out of here to make sure this doesn't really happen to them." Riza said as they reached the corner of the building where she could leave her clone and go secure them a ride. As expected the motor pool was busy as required military personnel were being called into action to see what was going in mid-town. "I think you may need to come to terms with the fact that _you_ are the hero here. You saved me, you found a way to use Flame Alchemy to protect people, you...should believe in what you're really capable of."

"I...I always thought it would be harder to act." The flame alchemist admitted. "I thought...I would have to think about it. The alchemy and the cost of using it on someone, but there was no hesitation. I saw you in danger and it was my first reaction, I had someone to protect and it was almost instinctual."

Riza nodded her understanding and could see the woman was going to need a private moment to fully come to terms with what just happened. Life had changed in an instant and there was no going back to simplicity of her old life. With that she looked down at Hayate and told him to stay and left her double to run across the street to get a car while the attendant was busy. She walked through the gate and the sergeant was swamped so she quickly wrote her name down on the clipboard and picked up the keys to the car she had used before. "Looks like I can't give this back yet."

"What's going on out there?" The sergeant asked and ignored the other officers in favor of the self-servicing pretty one.

"No idea, but I'll fill you in when we get back." Riza said and the man nodded, appreciating being included in the information loop when most officers would have told him it was below his pay grade. It earned her a smile and no scrutiny so she got in her car and left and stopped at the corner to pick up her passenger and her dog. Then it was off to the south side of the city where the bookseller was.

"Do you like the military?"

What she said had taken root, the other version of her was exploring options. She appreciated the questions, it took her mind off the images of Roy, Ed and Al that were trying to float to the surface in her mind. "I like the structure. I like being a part of something that is the very opposite of the isolation I grew up with. I enjoy feeling like my job has meaning, I know there are many issues with the military but we do help a lot of people. When i first joined it was also different to not want for anything; there were three meals everyday, plenty of ammunition, no scrapping by trying to sew clothes back together or glue soles back on boots...praise for being good with guns and resourceful. When I left for the academy I felt like I was moving into a hotel and it was less work than the farm. Now, I have a greater purpose and people who are very much family to me that I get to work with everyday. I would do anything to protect them."

"So you didn't join just to follow Roy?"

His name made her heart ache again but she kept her focus on the road and the question. "He inspired me with his ideals and I wanted to protect him. I also didn't know what to do with myself and I knew I didn't want to stay at home. My skills made me an ideal soldier and it helped me get away from a life I hated. The transition was easy and I excelled at everything, finally getting the approval for my abilities that I never got at home. So good in fact, I was sent to war before I graduated and saw the many flaws in our world, country and government. I saw a man I loved shattered by the secret I gave him. I want to make sure that doesn't happen to another generation. We were naive and we saw how very wrong we were."

Question answered they drove in silence for the rest of the way to the bookseller as the other Riza mulled over all that. Riza felt Hayate's paws on her legs again and knew he sensed she was close to thinking about the war again. As emergency vehicles sped past her she realized that maybe she was naive in thinking that Roy's life without her would be carefree and perfect, that she alone didn't have that much influence over him to make him miserable with her or happy without her. They were not dependent on each other to succeed. This reality showed her that. Happy Roy was a mediocre alchemist and officer, not living up to his full potential and it ended up getting him killed. Riza without Roy's interference in her life was not hopeless, just lacking a motivation to seek other options. They were capable alone, but being together and having each other had made them better. It allowed them to reach their full potential. Her absence made Roy complacent, Roy's absence left Riza uninspired.

Roy was his own individual, he had always been in every stage of life she had known him. That unyielding young man who challenged her father's teachings on occasion because he had read something newer and was open to advancements in science. That proud cadet who came to her house to ask to finishing his training, ready to politely tell his Master he was wrong about the military and he was going to be the one to prove that to him. The Flame Alchemist who rose out of the ashes of Ishval and declared he was going to the top to change the way this country ran instead of just pretending the atrocities didn't happen. Roy adapted, he was capable, they influenced each other and supported each other, but they never lost themselves in the process. Thinking he would be better off without her was the kind of thinking that contradicted everything she was saying to this other version of herself. If she believed _this_ flame alchemist could be the hero, than she had to start believing _she_ was capable of it too and not just a supporting character. Not just someone who could vanish and not be missed.

It was a difficult concept for her to digest and it went back to her upbringing where her father valued alchemy more than her. Her own self-worth was established at such a low standard growing up that it was hard for her to truly accept praise and compliments, allowing that flush of pride to abate quickly before it could truly affect her self-esteem. Without her, Roy had been happy but naive and now he was dead along with those he protected. So as broken as they were, as difficult as her childhood had been, it was a tempering process; A piece of metal heat treated so it would be tougher, less brittle, heated just below the point of breaking down. It made them strong and capable of putting a cutting edge on without shattering on impact. They were the sword that would strike down the beast. Together they got there, making sure the metal was removed from the heat and cooled off to harden.

Now, she sounded like a damned alchemist.

"We're here."

She parked the car and together they went into the bookshop, her mind lost in her analogy. The shop itself was cluttered, books stacked from floor to ceiling, and completely un-shoppable. Then she saw why as the bookseller emerged from behind a stack of boxes and books to look up at her through round glasses. "Scheska?"


	14. Full Circle

 

 

 

 

_Absent_

Chapter 14

**Full Circle**

* * *

"Yes?" Scheska answered, curious as to how this woman knew her.

Riza had to backpedal, of course she didn't know her here. She just had to guess this version of Sheska was still pretty chatty about books and would have given the other Riza an earful when they set up their business arrangement. She guessed they would have done the transaction by phone, suspicious of sending a list of books with a return address though the mail so someone could know what valuables she had. If only she knew about the government phone taps... "I hear you have a photographic memory. I was wondering if maybe you could save us some time."

Scheska shrugged and took off her glasses to clean them. "If you know what chapter you want me to read back to you, sure."

"It will be easier to have the book in hand." The other Riza assured her. "It was called 'Alternative Medicine' and it reviewed everything from leeches to alchestry."

"Yes that book was purchased by the National Library." Scheska confirmed it and then slipped between a stack of books, stepped over a box and climbed over several bags of packing material to get to the desk. "What topic are you researching? Maybe I have something else that will help you?"

Riza really had no idea what topic they were chasing anymore. Was it psychological warfare, dreams or alchemy? Or was it simply a diversion tactic, trying to keep her looking for answers while she ran out of time? Either way the library was the place to go since neither she nor her alternative self had any money for antique books. This was draining, all she wanted was answers and all she did was run around in circles.

"Dream manipulation." The alchemist answered. "I believe the book covered a chapter on the effects of sleep deprivation on the body and offered the author's findings on everything from drugs to hypnosis."

"I do remember reading that." Shesksa said and closed her eyes to recall the book in question. After a few seconds she cleared her throat and said, "There is evidence to support the theory that censorship capabilities of the brain are not active during sleep, enabling the mind to act more freely and without logic or linear thinking getting in the way. This allows us to dream and be more creative, answer questions with a far more open mind and also explore options we would otherwise dismiss. An example of this would be Friedrich August Kekulé and the benzene ring. Like other organic chemists of his era he was struggling with the organic structure of the molecule, and all linear formations of the molecule simply did not work. However he unlocked the true form of the molecule in a dream, where he saw a snake bending around to make it's own tail, an ancient symbol known as the ouroboros."

That was when Riza snapped to attention. The verbatim reiteration from the book really didn't seem to have anything to do with her, however the mention of an ouroboros was something that could not be ignored. Was this information she had read? Had her father spoken about this chemist? Had Roy? Was her mind just merging information together now and contaminating her findings? How was this all hiding in her mind?

"Do you have any books that might have that common theme mentioned? Perhaps more about the Benzene dream or influencing dreams in general?" The other Riza asked and Scheska quickly shook her head.

"The National Library is quick to buy those." Scheska answered. "Books about dreams and nightmares of are interest to the military medical corps in both helping manage PTSD as well as use it as a field of study to help get more production and problem-solving time out of scientists and soldiers alike."

"Then Central Library is the place to go." Riza said and gave her alternative self a nudge. They needed to get moving now. Roads would be blocked and traffic would make it difficult to get out of town. Some would flee when news broke of a serial killer who killed two alchemists in plain daylight, mostly state alchemists who would find refuge in Central until the threat passed. She thought about Roy and Ed, unique among their class of soldier who never turned from a fight and would never run for safety. They were gone now, because their lives here had not been wrought with battles and fights, but of a more relaxed life of research and investigations. She turned and walked to the door to avoid getting misty eyed in front of them.

* * *

The drive to Central was quiet as the other Riza had found a book at Sheska's that was worth using part of her pending monthly payment for sales to purchase and she was engrossed in it for most of the trip. It was so strange to see herself, to actually look at herself from outside her own body, and see an alchemist. This other her was just like Roy and the boys when they got their hands on something to read. Lost in the words, lost in another world.

And the pain hit her again just because of that thought and immediately she went back to the image of Roy's lifeless body, Ed's battered form and empty eyes and Al shattered in pieces everywhere. Then the dreaded emotions flared up again, that creeping feeling of tightness around her heart and throat and then the tears starting to well up in her eyes. Her life was sworn to protect, this life she made was made on the foundation of confidence that she could protect those she cared for even at the cost of her own life...and she failed.

Hayate's paw was on her leg again. It always did the trick, steal away her concentration so that she could regain focus and regain control of herself. She reached down to pet him and was thankful that he was here with her. She wish she could turn on the radio to provide some kind of noise, but reports of the massacre in East City were filtering in. Not from the military, but from people calling the radio station and providing eye witness accounts. She listened long enough to hear about the "lady officer and a woman who used fire to burn the killer and scare him off." Then it got too graphic and she couldn't take it anymore.

She lost herself in thinking about what was happening in East City as it disappeared in the rear view window behind them. The team would start asking for more details, interviewing the eye witnesses. Fuery would be monitoring the radio for civilian reports as well as call-ins from the military patrols. Breda would take over the leadership role, ensuring that the scene was secured and they were able to start the hunt for this murderer immediately. He would have called Hughes and broke the news. Havoc would be the one to cover the bodies, say a prayer and watch over them until they could be transported to the morgue, then he'd help collect evidence. Falman...would be doing the interviewing. He would commit it all to memory and be able to recite it back at any time. They would all try to remain occupied, pretend it was just another assignment however, that would only last so long.

Despite the reports about a muscular man with a scar on his face being the one to attack them, the entire team would be wondering what her part was in all this. The woman who showed up at the office out of nowhere yesterday. The woman that had all three of the dead alchemists working a case for her. The woman who was having lunch with them before they were attacked. The woman who fled the scene with an alchemist who could control fire against all military protocol. Looking for Scar could be left to the MPs, they would focus on finding  _her_. It was what they would need to stay detached from the actual loss of those they cared for, it was what would keep them from falling apart.

And Hughes would lead the charge, looking for answers and justice for his best friend and the boys he came to think of as his own. She knew Hughes well enough to see how damned good he was at his job, that he too had developed this diversionary facade to irritate people and make them look away from the man underneath it all. He would be relentless in his pursuit.

She really hoped Central Library had the answers she needed. She hoped that somewhere in her psyche she believed that that place was the bastion of knowledge and truth that it was rumored to be. Not being a State Alchemist she couldn't go in there, not even as Roy's bodyguard, however he always talked about how much of a perk it was to have access to that library. Even if it was clearly lacking in some areas, the library was the largest depository of alchemy books in the known world. She knew how much he valued it so she hoped that this is where her mind decided the greatest truth would lie, behind those closed doors she had never been allowed to pass through. She was jarred from her thoughts as her passenger closed her book in preparation to discuss her findings.

"I think the evidence indicates there is more to the dream theory than anything else." Alchemist Riza said.

Riza couldn't help but wondered what life this other her would have now, now that Roy was gone. It was hard for her to imagine her own life without him in it, but here was a woman who would never know him  _at all_  and was ready to stand on her own as the Flame Alchemist. She was proud of her but at the same time she pitied her. So much life, so much  _living_ , had been beside Roy and she was better for it. "I would like to believe it is only a dream, however I understand the possibility it may not be. I don't want to cause you any more trouble. I just want to go home."

"Why did you react like you did when Sheska mentioned the ouroboros?"

Riza took a deep breath. "I am part of an investigation into several individuals who wear that ouroboros as a tattoo, people who have crossed paths with Ed and Al and have put them in danger. Not people really, we believe them to be homunculi."

"Impossible."

"They are real." Riza said softly. "And they are not our allies."

"You have seen one?"

"No, the boys...the Elrics encountered them. They were attacked by them. They are somehow connected to everything but I don't know how." There was silence as the alternative Riza thought about the likelihood of a coincidence like that and she couldn't help but think about all of the information she was receiving. More and more she was leaning to believe this was a thought process working itself out, just like Scheska had said. Dreams allowed her to explore every possibility, even thoughts she would dismiss. It made sense. At this point none of the information she gathered pointed to any answers. "What were you reading about?"

"This is a study on shell shock from the last century."

"OK." Shell shock, now categorized under post-traumatic stress disorder. This was striking rather close to home and she knew why. Her sleep disorder, her own PTSD issues...all the formal medical literature she had read in order to conquer this battle with her own body was now coming forward. Was this another information dump or did it have valid applications here?

"A military doctor and alchemist wrote this book. He saw the effects of war on those on the front lines and later in the veterans hospitals. He wanted to help, so he started studying the chemicals in the brain that trigger the fight or flight response. He learned from psychologists who were trying to use dreams to encourage soldiers to conquer their worst nightmares, to change them so they were no longer nightmares. Thinking about an alternative outcome before going to sleep or hypnosis. The military funded him because they wanted to stop removing soldiers from the field who were shell shocked."

All familiar, however she now had a whole new meaning to 'alternative outcome'. "Yes, the army has an investment in making soldiers, they want to get as much use out of them as possible. Most officers are quick to pull men showing signs of shell shock from the lines, it is contagious. Later on I guess we all found out it touched all of us in some way or form. The military probably has a lot of funding allocated to managing and repairing soldiers who show signs of it, we're valuable assets for our experience but yet damaged assets because of it."

"It became more of a focus in the industrial era as shell shock became more common in the civilian population. Train wrecks. Industrial accidents. Survivors developed similar issues to the soldiers, even if they were not the primary cause of the death or disaster. Gave them a larger pool of people to study with different backgrounds, highlighting it as a human problem not just a soldier problem. Being civilians it gained more notice and the doctor started looking into how private practice doctors were treating it. Without the military putting pressure on the studies for results, local doctors were able to concentrate on individuals and really had to develop their own theories for treatment. He seems to have achieved some success in doing his research this way."

"Really?" That was probably part of the research she glanced over. The theories and studies that lead to the therapy procedures she was more familiar with. She didn't want to read in print that she was being studied, that she was part of some experiment...it would have made her retreat from the help.

"He recommended immediate therapy and as close to the family or military unit as possible. No evacuation or sending off to hospitals. Then acknowledging the events and reliving them, talking about each aspect until they discovered what the underlying trauma was. Then a restructuring of the memory so that it can provide a different outcome. Conquering the nightmare with another ending, giving you control over your emotions again by taking control of the memory. "

"I am not seeing how this applies to alchemy." She knew all this. This had always been the procedure and plan laid out by doctors, they had a formula for managing those of them who had seen action. She had only agreed to counseling because of her position, she knew she wasn't going to move up the ladder of command  _ever_. Not after she devoted herself to Roy. However in her devotion to him she knew she had to help him and he would never be the one to seek help for his own issues. She sacrificed herself, marked herself as damaged goods as far as the military was concerned, and used her counseling as learning opportunity. To learn to control her fears, to learn how to see when he needed help and give him the access to the information he could never admit he needed. For a man of his rank,  _for a state alchemist_ , he could never show his symptoms or struggles.

"This doctor felt that the ability to conqueror the memories and dreams was the most important part of recovery. That control would give the foundation to rebuild on. It was the most difficult task, having someone volunteer to relive their pain over and over, so he devised a way to induce sleep and enter a suggestive state. Thus guiding the person through their nightmare. He used alchemy to place the person into the deep sleep required for nightmares and allowed them to see the alternative path."

It sounded a lot like what she was experiencing, but what the hell did it have to do with the coin? "And the coin?"

"Unfortunately his alchemy research isn't included in this book." other Riza said.

"Of course not, it's property of the state." Riza said and knew the chances of finding it in the library would be slim. However a valuable subject like this could very possibly have resources available to state alchemists wanting to expand on it, so perhaps there was a chance.

Alternative Riza wished she could be more personable but she wasn't sure how. She dealt in facts, science...truth. This information wasn't just results from research, it was about people. People treated like test subjects, like this soldier version of her. "However given your history and your exposure to all this, I think that you may very well be here exploring that alternative path and trying to rectify your mistakes. This dream or nightmare is showing you that your choices have had consequences but at the same time you are a vital part in other people's lives. Maybe it's not about denial or replacing the memory, but in accepting that the cost of those actions have put you in a position to make a difference."

"What about it being a weapon? What about it overtaxing my body as I try to find a way out and have to live through traumas worse than what I endured already?" Riza couldn't help but ask, even if she was convinced all these people in this reality were simply spewing information at her, relevant or not.

"You said Flame Alchemy had been used for the wrong purposes despite your intentions." The other Riza pulled out her lighter and looked at it. She had used it as a weapon, yes in defense, but still she used it on another human being. That was something she didn't know how to really categorize yet. "Why would this research be any different? It can help your soldiers but also harm your enemies. It's a resource and it's being put to use in any way applicable."

They drove over the top of a hill and Central City laid out before them in all it's glory; the perfectly constructed circle, with Central Command at it's center. It seemed like all the paths in her life lead here and she hoped she could find the answers she needed to get back to Roy and make sure she was beside him when he rose to the top. She accelerated a little, anxious to get to the library before it closed. Speeding away from the thoughts of Roy's mother in the city below finding out about his death.


	15. The Gate of Truth

 

 

 

_Absent_

Chapter 15

**The Gate of Truth**

* * *

"What should I be looking for when I go into the library?" Riza asked as they drove past Central Station and knew they would be in front of the National Library in less than five minutes.

"Are you sure you don't want me to go in?"

"I think I have a better understanding of military procedure and be able to get by without question. If someone starts questioning you, about anything from your assessment to your specialty, I think there are more possibilities of you being discovered. This is less about alchemy and more about the military, unfortunately." Riza answered. It would be easier to just send her in and get whatever information she needed out of her brain that way however she feared being discovered too much for it to not become an issue.

"OK, that's rational. I'm not sure what to send you to look for other than the Alternative Medicine book. However, after reading this one, I am leaning towards sending you for some more research on this topic. Maybe some transmutation circles will stand out, you clearly know more about alchemy than you give yourself credit for. Perhaps not the execution, but the science, you have seen before."

"What do I need to look for? Beyond dreams and manipulations of those dreams?" Riza tapped her finger on the steering wheel. She really didn't want to think about possibilities beyond it all being in the library, but if this was on going research there was a higher likelihood it would be locked away in a lab somewhere along with the scientists researching it.

"If we believe this is a medical treatment turned weapon, you are probably in an induced deep sleep. Which makes sense since sleeping issues usually accompany this sort of trauma, if you can't sleep you can't conquer your dreams. Without sleep your productivity level is lower, your reflexes off."

This was true. Sleep was elusive and with it the much needed rest from all the worries of the waking world. This coin altered her body's chemicals to put her to sleep and then her body reacted to that by fighting to wake up. It was all simple chemistry, simple as far as the concept but complicated in actual function. How the brain worked was still a mystery.

"These studies aren't top secret. I think there should be medical journals and plenty of research within the library. However, you are going to have to piece together the puzzle and  _become_  the alchemist. You have to decode these runes, every time you see them you have to take note of  _everything._  Studying alchemy is like taking all these part and making something new out of it. One alchemist's focus can be so narrow they ignore some vital information, but yet another's might be so disastrously wrong all his findings are dismissed despite having a small stroke of genius. It's just like digging through someone's trash. That's what you're going to have to do."

"Except I'm not an alchemist." Riza said as they pulled up in front of the National Library.

"So you won't be distracted by all the information. You can look for what is most important to your task instead of just soaking up useless knowledge." The alternate Riza said and shrugged. "I admit my weakness, it's really hard to not want to know everything."

That was what this was about, sorting through all the unfiltered information in her head, be it the information from the doctor's office or Roy's notebook he doodled in. Perhaps it was from her father's scrawl all over the chalkboard in his study or something she listened to while sitting in the park with Ed and Al as they fed pigeons. She wasn't an alchemist but she certainly swam in the knowledge they lived and breathed.

"You just...have to do it real fast." The other Riza reminded her. "I am worried your body will give out under all this stress. Not just what happened in East City, but the fact that you're fighting some alchemic hold on your brain. Your body is producing counter chemicals to override that and flooding your system trying to wake you, trying to shift that balance back to normal. This is a life or death struggle as far as your body is concerned."

"You're right." Riza said. The real and perceived danger were all the same right now. Worries in here translated to a burden on her body and she had no idea what state her body was in at the moment. Was she out for days or minutes? "Stay in the car and listen to the radio. This is a military car so these channels here will be the military bands and will let you know if they are starting a search here in Central. The civilian frequencies will have call ins and reporters until the military shuts them down and calms the populous with assurances that everything is under control. Let me know if something develops, OK?"

"Sure. If you hear fire alarms, you know it's me."

Riza nodded and took her jacket out of the back seat. Then she unbuttoned the epaulet and pulled her rank insignia off and replaced it with Roy's. She tried to not think about it too much, tried to just methodically place it where it belonged like she had just picked up uniforms from the dry cleaners, however her hand shook as she buttoned it closed and drew her hand away. She wasn't putting this on Roy's jacket, she was placing it on  _her own_. Something that offended her professionally and morally, something that she knew he would have been yelling at her to ignore and keep doing what the mission needed. She shook it all off, it was symbolic and nothing more. Symbolic of the weight now on  _her_ shoulders.

She finished quickly and opened the door, stepped out and put her jacket on. She righted it and buttoned it up, adjusted her gun belt and brushed off her pants. Then she put her hand in her pocket and felt for his watch and ran her thumb over the crest on it. The watch was such a source of pride for those she cared about most, a mark of their achievements even if it was also a heavy weight that kept them teetered to the State and reminded them that their services were to the military and not the people. Still, they both cherished it as a marker of their success and maybe too often flashed it for the sake of vanity. Roy had been the youngest State Alchemist to be certified until Ed came along; it was not a new precedent that they set, but a an exemption because of their outstanding ability. They deserved to be proud of that.

And now they were gone. At least to this world.

She took a deep breath and let her hand clench the chain that was clasped to the watch and let it run across her palm as she found the clasp at the end. Their loss was not just personal, this world was now less three great men who made such a measurable difference in so many lives and made the world a better place. No matter what the Roy, Ed and Al of this world was focused on, the fact remained that they were capable of anything and would never turn their back on someone needing help or a wrong that had to be righted. If anything it made her desire to go back to them even greater and she clipped the end of the watch chain to her belt loop before giving the signal for Hayate to join her.

She was not leaving her dog behind. This damned world could fall apart around her and she would be there shielding her dog from it all with her own body.

The other Riza gave her a good luck wave from the passenger side of the car before going back to reading and she climbed up the marble steps like a soldier, her dog obediently at her side. She had been here so many times so she knew the layout and she knew procedure, the key to making this work was to assume the authority and shoot down any questions with a glare...the glare of a Lieutenant  _Colonel._

That was probably the reason for her stomach churning. Assuming the authority was one thing, assuming the identity of a Colonel was another. She worried that would be her undoing as there were so few women in the upper ranks and even fewer among the State Alchemists. Any officer who followed and studied the staffing and promotion bulletins would certainly ask questions having never heard of her. Thankfully that was more of an item for those trying to climb the ranks, officers who tried to requisition rising stars to work under their command in order to be affiliated with them or hinder them, or the gossips in the personnel department who liked to read between the lines of reassignments. These types would never be caught dead in the library, their research was done in the lunch room or on the phone. It still worried her because she knew about it from being close to Roy, how he was monitored by upper level officers around the country for promise or weakness and Hughes made a hobby of collecting this data and contributing to it. It was a possibility and knowing about it meant it could be a fear that materialized here.

As she reached the door a sergeant held the door for her and for the first time she heard herself addressed as "Lieutenant Colonel." It took a second to realize it was directed at her and she hesitated and she saw the sergeant look uncertain. She had to think quick, she needed a reason she wouldn't just walk past him with the arrogance of her rank and why she would even acknowledge the presence of a NCO. "The State Alchemist library? What floor?"

"Fourth. There is an elevator by the service counter. Ma'am."

She nodded, that was enough to give an explanation for her hesitation and remind her that she shouldn't know where anything was here. In  _this_  reality she had never been to this library and the staff would certainly recognize a woman patron who was an alchemist walking towards the glass encased elevator in the center of the building. She could not know her way around here but had to remember to act according to her rank, perhaps if she was a Major she could play it off as a newly commissioned Alchemist who was only bestowed the rank and understood very little of protocol or behavior, but she was a rank higher and that was something earned.

Lieutenant  _Colonel_ Riza Hawkeye. She had to remember that.

She walked with authority towards the elevator, eyes locked on her destination despite many eyes on her. This would raise no suspicions, she should not show even the slightest uncertainty in her moves even if they were wrong, that was what Roy would do. And that was how she was able to play the part, because she had watched and studied him for years and appreciated his presence and the power he commanded because of it. Of course he would always crack a smile to her in private when he pulled something like this off, because he usually fooled her as well. She never got angry, she encouraged him. God she was proud of him for it even if she didn't tell him that enough. He was the perfect commander, able to convey more without words than most could do with a riveting speech. She had picked up more than just a little alchemy being by his side and it was paying off.

"Sorry, Lieutenant Colonel, I need to see identification before you can proceed." The Sargent at the elevator stepped forward to the stanchion and waited.

Riza removed the watch from her pocket and watched the magic unfold. She watched the man's demeanor instantly change to awe and felt the stares and silence in her vicinity. So  _this_  was the power they felt when they held out this watch, this thrill that puffed up her chest and made her tingle. She could see where it would be addictive.

"Thank you, Lieutenant Colonel. Please proceed."

The Sargent hit the call button on the elevator and the door opened. She stepped inside and turned around curtly to watch the doors close and get one last glimpse of all those civilians and military personnel watching her in silence, mouths agape and eyes wide. She touched the button to go up to the fourth floor and waited for the elevator to ascend.

The elevator itself was designed to be the most ridiculous display as possible and with the sole purpose of putting the State Alchemists on display for those people enjoying the privilege of using the free library provided to them by their government. It was situated at the center of the building, right behind the main desk and in the center of the spiral staircase that went from floor to floor. It was the  _only_  passenger elevator and it  _only_ went to the fourth floor, making it an exclusive mode of transportation for Amestris's prize alchemists. As the elevator ascended up the visible shaft, patrons stopped and watched her go by, not out of frustration for having to climb the stairs but because she was one of  _them_ , a State Alchemist. The elevator served it's purpose, and quick and easily transportation was not it. As far as elevators went, this one was slow, which allowed for more visibility and side-show attraction time. She was certain the engineers received a bonus for that.

The third floor disappeared and finally the shaft was dark again. When the doors opened she would see the main hallway where her journey usually ended. Now was the time to compose herself and figure out how she wanted to play this. She had to remember that this was her first time being here, but she could only let on a minor bit of uncertainty. The key would be in deflecting that and somehow make it seem like the lesser officers fault for not providing her with the information.

The doors opened and she took a few seconds to survey her surroundings, like a good soldier. Only after she noted the officers and NCOs on duty and the location of the ornate doors to the alchemist library did she take a long stride and exit the elevator. Hayate was beside her and she walked up to the desk and looked at the clipboards and ledgers on it, biting her tongue to force herself to let the Captain address her first despite her training.

"Lieutenant Colonel, how may I help you today?"

"This is my first visit to the library, what forms do I need to sign?" She let loose an exhausted sigh. Forms, documents, signatures would be part of her daily routine as a Colonel; accepted and anticipated, but also acknowledged as annoying. It helped convey that it wasn't just  _part_  of her job, it was the part that was a nuisance and a hindrance to the real work she wanted to get done. She pulled her watch out and set it on the counter, that was something no alchemist would hesitate to show off.

"Just log yourself in." The Captain said. "Unfortunately staff is not allowed in the library so we will not be able to bring you coffee or tea. That will be in the break room down the hall to your right as well as a rest room. We do close the doors at 22:00."

She nodded as she signed her name and then wrote 'Flame Alchemist' in the title section. She was just about assuming all his titles today, she really hoped Roy would appreciate this story when she finally was able to lay in his arms and tell him about every last bit of it. She could hear him now, whispering in a husky voice,  _"I am absolutely comfortable with the option of role play if you want to play the Colonel...as long as you are careful what you stroke with my gloves."_

God, she missed him. That dull ache returned, that worry and fear...that feeling of loss and heartbreak. She heard Hayate's tail thump on the floor as he wagged it and it all was pushed away for later. She turned the clipboard around and pushed it back across the counter for the Captain to scrutinize, the offer of him checking up on her right in front of her face was enough to make sure he didn't do it until she was in the other room. "Anything else?"

"No, ma'am. If we can be of assistance, please let us know."

That was it. No questions. No phone calls. Not even a questionable glance at her dog. Normal soldiers didn't question the State Alchemist, no matter how quirky or curious they may seem. They wouldn't research her name or moniker, that was not their job and was above their pay grade. The final walk through of the library at night was done by an alchemist, one that worked in Basque Grand's office. The log sheet would be taken from the clipboard and brought back to the Alchemist Corps office for filing and documentation. This may have been a perk of the job, but nothing went without being recorded by the military for use of it's resources. She would be fine until that officer arrived tonight, that was the one individual who knew every certified and active alchemist in the military, as well as the ones decommissioned and retired. That was her only threat here.

She walked over to the doors and made sure to pause and look at them, beautifully carved mahogany doors with the crest of Amestris on it. She put her hand on the handle and pulled, they were heavy but the hinges were heavy duty and well greased and there was a hydraulic piston at the top to assist in the opening and closing of the heavy door. She and Hayate stepped through the entrance and onto an expensive rug and waited for the door to close before letting herself take a breath.

She took a few soft steps towards a card catalog in the center of the room, the alchemist library took up the entire fourth floor of the library and the shelves went from floor to ceiling. The amount of books here were staggering and the oak cataloging system was evidence of that. It had to be as big, if not bigger, than the one downstairs for the normal library. She was quick to move over to the drawers that designated cataloging for books pertaining to topics "Drea-Dreg" and pulled a piece of paper from a bin to write down call numbers. Once she found the section that housed the books on dreams she could make her way through the shelves and find what she needed. She had to work quickly, there was a time limit and she had a lot of material to cover. Section written down she looked up at the signs hanging from the ceiling to see where she needed to go and off they went.

She didn't worry about who she might meet in here as nobody would recognize her and alchemists did not talk about their research. Luckily it was mostly empty, probably because the news of murders in East City had already reached Central HQ and most alchemists were reluctant to leave the security of the massive structure  _just in case_  the suspect fled to Central. She found the aisle and noted a table close by where she could bring her books for scanning. She and Hayate entered the aisle and once she found the section she immediately began running her fingers down the spines of the books for titles.

Anything and everything related to dreams and sleep studies were pulled off the shelf and held in her left arm. She had to pull a few spiral bound research notes off the shelf to see the titles and then shoved them back when they were deemed unworthy of attention. It was the only noise she made, reshelfing, and she heard someone move a chair or drop a pencil in another section of the room. She paused and listened to the pencil roll off the table before returning to her hunt. After her arm told her the chosen books were heavy enough, she took the selections and went back down the aisle, eager to dump them on the table and get started.

Then Hayate darted in front of her and stopped, braced himself and got his cackles up. She had her arms full and could do nothing but stand there as the perceived threat materialized around the side of a bookcase. He heart sped up and the hairs on her neck stood up as her dog growled at the man before them,  _Solf Kimblee_.


	16. Truth

 

 

 

_Absent_

Chapter 16

**Truth**

* * *

Riza could feel Kimblee's scrutinizing gaze as he ignored her dog and instead read the features of her face. She tried to calm herself but she knew her micro-expressions had already given herself away to him, she remembered him as a a man with an uncanny ability to see the truth behind even the most impenetrable defenses. During the war...they had been so transparent about their feelings, their struggles had been written all over their faces. She watched a grin spread across his face, something that sent chills down her spine.

"From the look on your face, I need not introduce myself, however you certainly have me at a disadvantage. I don't recall a woman Lieutenant Colonel on the state alchemist roster. State your name and post, please."

 _He_  was the one that worked in the main office?  _SHIT._ It was the only way he would have access to the full roster, even Roy had to request information like that from the head office and fill out forms in triplicate in order to obtain that sensitive information outside of his jurisdiction. The State was protective of it's assets. Kimblee had bragged about having a photographic memory, he probably committed it all to memory and she was certain there would be not fooling him. Lying would do no good here. "Hawkeye. East City."

He studied her and leaned against the bookshelf. " _Truth_ , even if you are most definitely not a state alchemist. Interesting choice."

Kimblee grinned at her, a wide and spine chilling grin. Suddenly something she had seen before flashed before her eyes; a drawing Ed made, of  _Truth_. A little white being outlined in shadow with a sardonic grin sitting in front of a giant ornately carved gate. He said it was Truth, both the being, the gate and the ominous white room. It was everything he ever wanted to know and the feeling of despair he never wanted to feel again, both at the same time. It was judgment.

Could this be...her version of Truth? The ornately carved doors of the library holding the sheer quantity of knowledge of alchemy in print form was where she felt in her heart there would be answers to everything. Kimblee, he had been the one person in Ishval to look her and tell her _exactly_ what she feared: that she was distancing herself from her job to rationalize what she was doing and it was an unfair exchange. Taking lives...yet trivializing their worth.  _The one thing worse than death is to avert your eyes from it. Look straight at the people you kill. Don't take your eyes off them for a second. And don't ever forget them, because I promise that they won't forget you._

The notion that this man,  _this man_ , was the Truth she feared and was guided by almost made her want to draw her sidearm and shoot him. How the hell could she put this man in the position of a damned near God in her mind? Clearly he saw saw her reaction to that idea and seemed intrigued.

"So you figured it out, did you?"

She snapped her fingers in a silent signal for Hayate to back off. If this lunatic did anything to her dog she'd rip him apart with her bare hands. "You're Truth."

"I told you exactly what you didn't want to hear  _and_  you also fear turning into me the most." Kimblee shrugged. "An interesting choice, but this is your subconscious so who am I to question it."

"Why...are you able to recognize that and nobody else?" She asked and studied him, he looked the same from when she saw him last. In Ishval.

"Do you expect any less of me than to point out the clear truth of the matter? Do you honestly expect me to play along with alternative reality when you barely believe in it yourself anymore?" Kimblee shoved off the bookcase and turned his back to her. "Well come along and set your books down and let's get comfortable."

Kimblee answered to no one and nothing. That was always her take on him. He operated outside morality, yet seemed fixated on truth. He was an enigma, she wanted to think he was selfish and self gratifying with his alchemy yet he seemed to have an unsettling grasp on the actual price paid for it. He baffled her in that respect, how he could not valve life enough to reduce it to entertainment but yet comprehended the cost of it better than anyone in that desert. It was something he mocked them for, how in their grief and guilt they did their damnedest to keep their eyes and mind out of focus on the horrifying truth of their actions but not enough to cease to do their jobs.

"So your precious Flame has been snuffed out." Kimblee made sure to pull out a chair for her before going around the table to sit down. "Pity, I always hoped I see what he could really do when he wasn't holding back. When he _finally_  found a cause worth killing for."

Riza went over to the table and set down her books. The truth was...she feared seeing that day and being the one to have to decide when Roy went too far. They had both been impacted by Kimblee, seeing the disgust at his joy and corruption of alchemy to suit his own twisted desires. She knew Roy would never sink that low, but she feared finding out what happened if he found someone who deserves to suffer his wrath. "He's alive, just not in here."

"Ah, yes." Kimblee folded his hands on the table and smiled. "That's right, this one was the stupidly happy and naive one. The one who never saw his true self. The one who never saw the truth of  _anything;_  not true horror, not the truth of his own humanity, not true ambition or even true love. Not much of a loss, if you ask me. Just another sheep. What is that old saying, kill the boy to make the man? Certainly applied to him. You should have seen him after that first battle, he was just crushed along with his innocence and stupid pride. He surprised me though, I thought he's be the one to come apart instead of Armstrong. "

"If you are Truth...then tell me how to get out of here." She said and pulled the coin out of her pocket and slapped it on the table. He didn't even glance down at it and she saw that grin form again, the one that caused her to shudder. She knew she wasn't going to like his answer. He would not be bypassed, he would need to be satisfied with every last morsel of unsavory truth she never wanted to acknowledge or address.

"Now we both know that a toll must be paid to leave this place." Kimblee grinned then his smile faded and was replaced with a stoic expression and in a monotone voice he ordered, "So sit down."

The chills ran down her spine again and she had to remember this man was not real either. She couldn't give him any more power than she already had so she countered, "What toll? I'm not an alchemist and I certainly didn't perform human transmutation to get here so exactly why do I owe you anything?"

"The only reason you have any answers here is because you are more of an alchemist than you realize. Do you honestly think that seeing yourself as the Flame Alchemist was really  _that much_  of a fabrication?" Kimblee asked. "The  _truth_  is that you are more terrified of what you would have done had you been in Mustang's position during Ishval than what you did sniping from the rooftops. Admit it, you have some serious Daddy issues. You pride yourself on your abilities and had you had flame alchemy at your fingertips instead of a trigger you would have been so much worse than him. That drive to be the best cadet, the best marksman; it all stemmed from that deep rooted desire to get the accolades and attention your starved for growing up. It felt good to be recognized didn't it? What is Truth other than your own hubris, your damned pride. Without pride, who would dare play God and try to make a human? Or control fire? Or deliver the kill shot to a complete stranger, deeming yourself the superior in race, morals and life in general. So deep down you fear becoming  _me,_ because you felt that thrill when you hit your mark and it scared you more than anything."

Riza finally sank into the chair he pulled out for her and stared at him as he flashed his palms, the array tattooed on them and she felt a pulse of some energy go across her back... her  _own_  array tattooed into her skin. Then he wove his fingers together, rested his elbows on the table and set his chin on his hands in display of satisfaction and waited on her. To be the best in any field you had to be driven, you had to have some degree of pride in what you did. Perhaps she always did question how she could be good at something that was only practically used for killing. "So you're Truth because you will tell me exactly what I don't want to hear."

"That's what you expect of me." He shrugged. "Am I not the embodiment of pride? So proud of my superiority over mankind and immunity toward the most crippling weakness humans have, sympathy?"

"I believe it's called sociopathy."

He chuckled. "This isn't about  _me_. You're the one pouring over books about psychology and dreams and damned near anything under the sun to conquer what haunts you. It would all go away if you just accepted that it was the choice you made and that deep down you are proud of yourself for thriving in a contest of survival of the fittest. Do I look like I lose any sleep over it? You're more terrified over what you did that  _you never thought you could do_ , than the actual lives you took.  _Truth_ "

"That's not..."

"Do you remember their faces or just the ones that you were forced to look at? I remember each and every one of them. So the question is, do you really value the lives you took or just hate yourself for your inability to stand up and do the right thing?"

"I did my duty." Riza snapped. God they were nothing alike and his sick satisfaction at remembering faces was hardly appreciating the lives he took other than for his own pleasure! Why did it have to be him here, judging her? Anyone else...

"A lovely word, duty. All encompassing in it's ability to deflect blame and decision making onto a superior, patriotism or some other entity." Kimblee put his hands on the table and smirked. "Consider if you will that the reason you are here with me, beyond those doors of Truth and Knowledge behind you, is because you have been lying to yourself and that is what your subconscious is screaming at you to see each time it replays your war flashbacks. Not what someone  _made_ you do, nobody made you do anything. You could have missed, but you didn't. You couldn't, because you were an excellent marksman and they made an exception to the rule for you and let a cadet go to war. You were the only woman in the sniper unit. You felt special and you did your job so well to keep that feeling of pride no matter the cost. Just like Flame, we all knew he was the youngest ever commissioned and that he had something far deadlier than we could ever compete with and he was even a good military man...top of his class. He was the perfect soldier."

Riza leaned forward, she was tired of Kimblee having a podium to preach at her for all her failings. She was tired of hearing him talk down to her, _as if he had that right._ "Something you can't comprehend, being a sociopath, is that being human is about having the full array of emotions and a  _conscience_. Having sinful ideas is completely different than acting upon them. It's about having a concept of morality that guides your thoughts at all. Selflessness versus selfishness. There are sins and virtues. There are also situations were there is no win and each path is terribly wrong but lack of action even worse. Decisions, life..being human is not done without pain or error but it's how you deal with it afterwards that defines you. I make no excuses for my actions during the war, but Roy and I emerged from that with a greater purpose and dedicated our lives to making a chance to benefit the entire country. What did you do? You saw the end of your fun and decide to test how far you could go before they took you down? Turned on your own? You quit because life after the war didn't look appealing."

"If you only aim to be better than me, that's a pretty low standard." Kimblee smiled.

"What is the point of all this? Confession? Acceptance?" Riza shoved the stack of books at him. "Tell me how to get out of here."

Kimblee ignored her demand and opened a book. "Shell shock. This one is an old edition, I gave them something else to write about after Ishval. You should have seen that first wave of soldiers come through town after the first time the Alchemist Corps went through. What a sight! Body parts and blood splattered everywhere. Buildings collapsed on people. Charred and melted bodies. Even some of the veterans, the ones who had been there for six years finally saw something that shut them down that day. Flame was sloppy. He hadn't honed his craft yet. Left most of his victims alive, just melted and oozing...too damaged to scream out in agony but you knew they were suffering. I... _humanely_  destroyed a few of his little mistakes and those soldiers had to shoot the rest like wounded animals."

Riza ground her teeth. She was about to say something but he laughed and continued.

"Imagine if it had been  _you_ , a hunter. Someone who understands how to properly put down their kill." Kimblee flipped a few pages and rolled his eyes at some 'ye olde medical drawings' that looked like something out of a torture manual. People 'helping' could be more cruel than anything he ever did. Idiots. The humane thing to do was kill, anything else was just fulfilling a selfish desire to cling to a life spent or prove their ability to elude death with medicine. Fools. "You could have been so much better as the Flame Alchemist from the beginning. Focused. Deadly. Beautiful. Fully realized potential from the start."

She could feel herself react to that, the idea that she could have been in Roy's place. She didn't want the title or his job, but if she could have saved him...

"Remember 'Naive Happy Roy' is dead and laying in a morgue in East City right now. Brain liquefied and dripping out his orifices. _So_  happy and carefree he walked right into the fucking serial killer's hand and never put up a fight. Got his precious subordinates killed too." Kimblee clucked his tongue. "Think instead of you, Riza Hawkeye, as the Flame Alchemist. You're walking down the streets of some miserable little desert town, screams and explosions everywhere and you with your fingers on the trigger...of your Daddy's little family secret ready to  _help those poor people meet their God._ "

He said it in the most mocking tone and she never wanted to shoot him more than this moment.

"Deny it. Go ahead. Tell me,  _Truth_ , that you wouldn't have done your duty and put down your prey as humanely as possible. A gunshot to the head would have been better, but you have only your gloves and this wealth of knowledge passed down to you by a father you loathed. Here is your chance Flame, stand and show that worthless father of yours how capable you always were and how you are even better than him. Able to not only use his life's work but also use it better than his apprentice could because you have the training of a skilled hunter. You don't need people to accept you, you grew up in isolation with a cold emotionless parent. You were the perfect candidate. You know how to most effectively dispatch an enemy and you do it without hesitation because you have honed your skills to pull the trigger immediately when the shot presents itself. Feel that swell of pride as you walk past men like Alex Armstrong quivering on the ground and too weak to carry on with his duty. Society's elite, he had everything you didn't have and yet here he is unable to do the most basic duty with his prized alchemy! You can feel those stares now, not as a pariah but as a  _God._  They look at you with awe, respect and fear. You're one of the best and this war will end soon because of your contributions. The entire country knows  _your name_ and you are the hero. How does  _that_  feel?"


	17. Target

 

 

 

_Absent_

Chapter 17

**Target**

* * *

"I would have given anything to save Roy." Riza replied honestly. "I would have walked his path for him if it meant he could be spared. If I would have been that weapon and saw exactly why there could never be another Flame Alchemist because of what I did in the name of duty... _I_ would have had to have been destroyed. I would have never seen past the end of the war, I...could not live with this heavy of a burden more or less used it to fuel a passion to change things. I hate what it did to him, what  _I did_ to him, but this entire alternative reality has lead me to see that it really is equivalent exchange. There is nothing that powerful that does not come without a cost. This guilt, reliving my mistakes every time I close my eyes, it reminds me of why it's so important to accomplish our goals. So perhaps I would have been worse, but in this scenario the lives lost would have been for nothing because the Flame Alchemist would not have been compelled to change this country."

"Interesting take." Kimblee said. "I suppose I am biased. I always thought it was a shame Flame Alchemy rested in the hands of one so weak, so sympathetic...so conflicted."

"That's why I chose him, because he understands the weight of his curse." She said. "Even in our darkest hour he was weighted down by the guilt not the power."

"So we have explored your alternatives of being the Flame Alchemist in both aspects: One as a hermit and the other as a war hero. Each scenario ends with death, though you have attributed a higher value on a man you love despite the quantity of nameless Ishvalians that are on the other side of the scale." Kimblee held out his hands, palms up, symbolically showing the weights and them being on an even plane. "Interesting."

"To think I forgot how much I hated talking with you." Riza said. Fireside chats with Kimblee were always unsolicited and condescending, but typically short lived due to someone trying to strangle or hit him. If this was about dredging up old war memories  _bravo subconscious,_ however it was helping her get seriously pissed off at this whole scenario and start fighting back instead of being whipped around in the storm. "Perhaps I do fear becoming like you which is not a compliment in any way, it's simply just applying a more personal face to the devil."

"How rude." He said and frowned.

"We were naive, we didn't quite grasp the weight of the job we were signing up for. We wanted to be soldiers to protect and be part of something good. We thought there was a real enemy to be defeated. How... _how_  can anyone comprehend something so horrible as war without seeing it? How did we know our government was orchestrating a genocide? How would anyone know about the corruption without being immersed in it? You were right, killing was part of the job I signed up for when I put on this uniform. To defend our country, to defend our way of life. I had my eyes opened in Ishval, but my oath and belief in my duty have not changed. I will help put a man in power who will not declare war on an entire race. He will end the military's hold on every fiber of this country's livelihood. I will kill again to protect my country and those I love. I wear this uniform still and believe in it. Has my perception changed, yes, but for the better even if it is a darker vision of it all. What you don't understand is that some of us made the  _selfless_  decision to serve our country and that does not change even if it means changing the country so that future generations do not endure what we did."

"That, my dear, is called _treason_ not loyalty." Kimblee replied.

"Like you're one to lecture on the definition of either." Riza countered coldly.

"Ouch." Kimblee smirked. "Let's just remember that I'm not real and you are the one fantasizing about  _me_. Oh, and time is pretty precious right now as your body is having a rather adverse reaction to this dream you're in right now."

He was right. Riza relaxed and sat back in her chair and tried to calm herself. She had no reason to argue with this man across the table because  _he wasn't real_. This was going to have to be another honest conversation like she had with her other self in order to advance past this hurdle and get some answers. This was all in her mind and her mind wanted to free itself of some burdens before it could finally work again. "Fine. Perhaps I was jealous that Roy was a better candidate for my father's student than myself, but that faded quickly. Jealousy was just another way I tried to cope with being unable to understand my own father's methods at all. I realized very early that it wasn't Roy's fault my father was like he was and Roy ended up being more concerned about me than anyone else had ever been. I am proud of him, I trust him. Those bad feelings have long since subsided and I don't have to answer for something that I felt for a week or two as a teenager!"

"You clearly think about it as these events are from  _your_  mind,  _your_  daydreams,  _your_ nightmares." Kimblee folded his hands again.

"If I could have saved him, spared him..." Riza said. She had to be honest. "I work by his side and I see how often he stares off at nothing without realizing it. I can see the minute changes in his expression that tell me that he's not thinking about something pleasant. I know he's living a waking nightmare and that when his brain isn't occupied it immediately lapses into a flashback. It's why I'm always yelling at him to get his paperwork done, because he has to be snapped out of this trance and I am the only one who will do it. Roy being 'lazy', it helps cover for what he really has issues with. That's when I go back to my desk and think about how I might have done things differently. I love him, I hate that I have hurt him so much."

"You fear losing him." Kimblee said.

"More than anything. I fear losing him...to death, by Scar. To happiness, because he never had me change his course in life. To his own demons, if I can't get out of here. I wish I was strong enough to simply protect him, I don't think I am worthy of loving a man like him." She said and her hand went to her pocket to hold his watch. She was so proud of him, despite it all, she was so proud of his accomplishments. "After all I have done, after all my mistakes, I don't think I deserve the way he makes me feel. Seeing him happy without me hurt...but it's the kind of pain I think I deserve as penance for my sins."

"You're better off. Love is weakness." Kimblee said.

"It makes you stronger. Something you could never comprehend. It makes you better and gives you a reason to fight." She replied. "So now that you know my reasons for wanting to get out of here, why don't we stop the confession and you start telling me about this coin."

Kimblee picked up the coin and examined it, then put it on his thumb and flicked it in the air and caught it. "It's alchemy. It's not a philosopher's stone, I know stones and this is not even close to one. You were just grasping at straws trying to explain how a transmutation circle could be activated by a non-alchemist. More than likely the person who placed it in the warehouse lot is nearby and activated it from afar and it was simply the target of their power. By touching it, you enabled the energy to travel through you. Like a lightning strike."

"How is that possible? You need to have your hands pressed to the circle...unless there was an outer circle?" Riza could see the value in this now; how a small transmutation circle that need not be drawn could be a hidden threat.

"More than likely just a circle drawn in the dirt around the lot and this coin was inside that circle and able to be activated. What you felt was energy from the activation not a power generation from a stone. Whoever did this is not confident in their ability to fight, probably just sits behind a desk and avoids all confrontation. Prefers to stab people in the back." Kimblee flicked the coin in the air again to amuse himself. "Like your Dad."

She narrowed her eyes at him and wondered if this was just another way to provoke her or was he telling her the truth? Her father was reclusive and non-confrontational, but not malicious...just negligent. The opportunity to understand Berthold Hawkeye just a little better was too hard for her to pass up though and she gained a deeper understanding of the other Riza's reasons for risking so much to come save here in East City. As much as she hated herself for it, she still questioned so much in her past and her father's life to try to figure out why he was like he was. "My father never engaged people long enough to betray them."

"Really?" Kimblee asked and tossed the coin again. "Isn't that what he did with flame alchemy? I mean...I guess he  _literally_  stabbed you in the back since he did tattoo you, but more figuratively in the respect that by decoding that secret he condemned you and Mustang both to this hell you live. A little Pandora's Box of knowledge right were it was readily accessible and only available to the one apprentice he knew was a threat to him. He knew Roy Mustang was the only one capable of understanding the alchemy and wielding power of his life's work, the apprentice would would undoubtedly surpass the Master. So, what does bitter father-of-the-year do? He puts the secrets on  _you_  and then tells that starry-eyed manchild cadet to take care of his daughter before he pukes up his lungs on the floor. He gift wrapped you and his work all in one perfect little package and knew Mustang would be the one you would choose. Who else would you pick? What he also knew was that this alchemy would be used for only one purpose, destruction. I mean what else do you use Flame Alchemy for? Lighting the candles in church? Improving the lives of some cave-dwellers trying to bang rocks together to cook their roadkill dinner? What else do you use fire for... _but as a weapon_? He wasn't the naive idiot you two were, that is why Berthold Hawkeye was never the actual Flame Alchemist. He knew that power, he knew the evil...he knew.  _Trust me_. However, instead of letting it all go and letting his legacy die with him, he passed it on and in doing so showed you both the lesson he had preached all along: Flame Alchemy can only be used to destroy. He stabbed you both in the back, two young people he had been a mentor to and in the end just ended up setting up for failure so he could be  _right_. "

She watched Kimblee play with the coin, doing that trick where the coin 'rolled' across the knuckles. This had to be a distraction, she was constantly being diverted from the real answers now that she was so close. This coin's purpose was to keep her mired in her subconscious so that she stopped looking for the exit and embraced this alternative reality. She had to stay on target, no matter how much it moved. "This coin, is it a weapon? You know about using alchemy as weapons better than anyone."

"Ohh, a compliment to try to entice me to stay on topic." Kimblee chuckled and palmed the coin, then flashed his hands at her to show it was no longer in his hands. Then he reached forward in order to pull the coin out from behind her ear but the dog started to growl and he changed his mind. Instead of the magic trick, he just set it down on the table in front of her. "Yes. More than likely someone out for Mustang's life; either physical or career. Ooohhh... _probably_  some alchemist he dismissed during the state exam pre-qualifier interviews last week. Those types are always plotting and over-the-top when they go for revenge. Myself, I say just blow the son-of-a-bitch up if he crosses you, but not this kind of person. They want a revenge that is satisfying in both getting them the attention they were denied and also in destroying the person who wronged them. My best guess is that Mustang isn't in danger of being killed as much as he is in danger of being outed for fucking his secretary. He's going to find you in coma, unresponsive and heart racing, elevated body temperature...and he's the reason you're there alone. He's the one who told off your dog and pissed you off and now here you are, dying in his arms and he has no idea why. Is it poison...is it... _oh no_  it's this damned coin from the creepy State Alchemist candidate he verbally eviscerated last week!"

Riza could feel the color drain from her face. It was time for the National Exams and part of the process was thinning down the selection of candidates. Each region could only send so many alchemists to Central for the final exam, it effectively made sure only the best could be submitted for commission by laying the responsibility on someone elses shoulders. That was one of Roy's major responsibilities as Colonel and highest ranking State Alchemist in the East. He tried to respect the confidential aspects of it, but every year he ended up in bed at night just venting about some of the ludicrous studies people were doing and how the process needed to be revised so that it filtered out some of these people just looking for government funding. He had been quite vocal about a man who was a psychologist turned alchemist who thought his 'shitty mind control token was getting him more than a full review for his obvious patient abuse at the psychological hospital'.  _Oh...no..._

"That one." Kimblee winked and pushed the book on the table towards her. "This guy who wrote this book on shell shock that your other self found at the book store. Weird how dreams like to manipulate facts and truth like they do, isn't it? That book was never written, it's a combination of the medical journal articles you have read regarding PTSD, what your shrink has told you and what Mustang shouldn't have shared about the alchemist candidate."

"So this man targeted me to prove his research produced a weapon worthy of getting him certified?" Riza asked.

"More than likely he left it for Mustang. Your team was  _very_  vocal about the haunted warehouse and they were _so_ excited Mustang was going to take them ghost hunting that they told everyone who would listen at headquarters that day. Slighted alchemist overheard, got there early to prepare and then waited for them to find his coin." Kimblee put his finger on the coin and pushed it around the table top. "I guess the dumb fuck didn't think about how hard it would be to find this in the dark at night. During the day the odds were that someone on the staff would have seen free money and picked it up, or Mustang would have recognized it and reached for it and got zapped into his own dream world. Wonder what he would have thought about? Probably me."

"That doesn't make sense." Riza interrupted him. Last thing she wanted was Kimblee going on a sexual tangent.  _God._ Talk about some weird dreams she never wanted to have to think about again. "Leaving a coin around and just hoping by chance someone picks it up?"

"I believe that was the point Mustang made when he dismissed the guy's application, so that was the point this guy  _had_  to make in order to get sweet sweet revenge and capitalize on irony." Kimblee stopped moving the coin around. "I would bet this guy is pretty dedicated to this plan now, willing to wait it out. Since Day 1 didn't work, he got his coin and just waited for another opportunity. You left the office with your dog and he probably ran to the warehouse lot giggling. Throw that coin in the dirt in full sun? Sure a sniper would see it. No way you'd miss the sun catching something like that."

Riza felt her shoulders slump. This was getting worse and worse.

"And as soon as you touched it he slammed his hands down and sent the energy through the outer circle..." Kimblee put his hands out and slammed them on the table, the coin bounced. "The lines you assumed were just marks from where shovels had been dragged by tired men lit up...then the coin it activated and here we are!"

Riza swallowed hard. Now she was more scared because she knew there wasn't someone waiting in the shadows looking to shoot Roy but to blackmail him or destroy his career using her. If Roy had the coin he wouldn't dare activate it knowing it was affecting her brain, he would need that other alchemist to reverse this transmutation. He'd know immediately who was to blame and the predicament he was in. Roy could handle a little blackmail, he was Madam Christmas's son after all, but she worried about the revenge part. Kimblee was right, men like this looking for the satisfaction of revenge never just stopped at getting what they felt they were denied. They wanted to punish, humiliate and destroy the person who slightest them. Worst of all she knew Roy wouldn't keep it together if he found her like this, no the coin would not be something he saw until it was too late.

"It would be  _really_  over the top if this guy invited high ranking military officials to the warehouse district for a demonstration of his alchemy and they got to see this display first hand." Kimblee smirked. "Sometimes you really need to take pride in your art and show it off to the world. Then nobody questions your power,  _ever_."

Riza felt that flutter of lost hope, of defeat, and then slammed her fist on the table and made the coin pop up before Kimblee could pick it up again. Hayate went under her chair, never thrilled with loud noises and not happy with the change he felt in her. The anger. "Then I am going to best him. If I can be an alchemist, there is no better time than now. Tell me how to reverse this and embarrass this bastard for good. You don't believe there is any honor in fighting like this, so let's take the fight to him."

"OK, now this is beginning to sound like one of  _my_  fantasies." Kimblee grinned and balled hist fist and cracked his knuckles. "You do surprise me Miss Sniper, especially since killing from the sidelines without honor is  _exactly_ what you used to be accused of in Ishval."


	18. Exit Strategy

 

 

_Absent_

Chapter 18

**Exit Strategy**

* * *

" _Shut up._ " Riza hissed at him and prepared to throw a book at his head. "I am tired of you changing the subject."

"I'm doing what you expect of me. " Kimblee replied. "I am a figment of your imagination based upon your very limited, but apparently influential, time with me."

"Then flaunt your knowledge like I expect you to." Riza demanded. "How is this alchemist controlling my dreams with this coin?"

"REM sleep is when you dream the most vivid and involved dreams, that is what you're experiencing now. That is what is making it so hard to wake up, because naturally your body uses this deep sleep to repair itself and recover from what you put it through." Kimblee explained. "During this level of sleep your brain disconnects from it's sensory information from the outside world, but still remains as active as if you were awake. It's chemical. The alchemy is based on manipulating chemicals in your mind."

"So do I need to...break the hold on the alchemy or break down the chemicals?" She wasn't sure and the idea that this was all in her brain was frightening. Alchemy was about taking something and making something else, but in the process sometimes the new composition didn't hold the exact same amount of materials. Energy could be used and mass and chemicals could break free...which meant something could end up loose in her brain that might not have a way of getting out. She began to worry that Kimblee wasn't her best source for information because deep down she knew he would take delight in seeing her head explode. Truth, as she had told Ed in a conversation once, didn't sound like it was being fair. Punishment it delivered was ironic and meant to teach a lesson not equivalent exchange in the most natural sense. There was no reason for both boys to suffer differently unless Truth was indeed a 'creepy little asshole'. So Kimblee...being Truth...could only take her so far without enacting his own 'toll' for the information he dispensed. She looked up a him and he seemed to be more interested in spinning the coin on the table than reading her thoughts.

"The interesting thing is that while you are in this dream state you are able to see many layers of a more intense reality. That's why you are able to have this dream; living through your fears and your alternative options while accessing everything that you have ever been exposed to. It's like being one of  _us: an alchemist._ " Kimblee said and continued to spin the coin and make an obnoxious noise in the library. "An alchemist is always operating on so many levels that it can not be explained to a simpleton. This is what it's really like being one of us. Imagine being able to do this while awake with all the sensory distractions. Imagine accessing every bit of knowledge lodged in your mind, seeing the layers of alternative options and having it all available to you. Even things you would rationally dismiss are now viable options because you can manipulate energy and matter. In your mind you see layers, reality...nature...knowledge and energy. It's how we're able to do what we do. It's a symphony, so many instruments combining to make one spectacular experience."

Riza stared at him, studying him, remembering his true nature that she really believed he was hiding. The truth was... this was all a fabrication based on her knowledge, her feelings and her fears. This was not a man to be trusted, even if he had no reason to lie. "This isn't alchemy. It's lucid dreaming."

"Something else I'm sure your shrink told you in an attempt to help you conquer your nightmares." Kimblee spun the coin one last time and let it fall after it spent it's energy. Bored, he leaned back in his chair. "Look, I'm trying to help you and now  _you're_  changing the topic. Do you remember the benzene ring, the ouroboros? Well that also shows up in psychology, not just alchemy, it represents  _introspection_. This whole therapy routine about conquering nightmares? Well in order to do that you have to become lucid and take charge. It's examining your thoughts and feelings, it's self reflection..it's understanding your soul. It's enlightenment. You've already overridden the chemicals and pushed aside the fog of sleep, just keep pushing. Use your mind, use your energy, focus on that damned circle and let everything around you fade out. Nothing else here matters. Only taking charge of this nightmare and  _waking up_."

"Right." She said and decided the time for talk was over and it was time to try. So she pulled the coin in front of her. She remembered what her other self had told her, that it was just like looking through the scope and finding her target. She just needed to concentrate on it, lose all focus on everything around her and just see this transmutation circle. She automatically started to control her breathing and locked her vision on one thing and one thing only: the coin. Kimblee, the books, the library all faded out into her fuzzy peripherals.

"The chemicals that work on your brain during this degree of sleep are animo acids. Chains of Hydrogen, Nitrogen and Oxygen. These are elements you understand. " Kimblee said. "Oxygen is what is controlled to direct a channel for a flame to travel. It's how the Flame Alchemist controls his weapon. Take control of this weapon, manipulate the oxygen and become the Flame Alchemist."

She wanted to scream at him that she was not an alchemist and certainly never going to be the Flame Alchemist, however she didn't want to brake her concentration. The coin was her target, a blink or shift away from it would possibly lose her chance to take the shot she needed. She had helped Roy study, she had helped him decode the tattoo, she had helped him when he was so strung out on trying to conquer her father's notes that he couldn't see what was in front of him: Oxygen. It was what would enable his flames to travel, the basic comprehension of combustion wasn't enough to actually wield the flames. It wasn't simply scratching the ignition cloth and creating a fire with it, oxygen was what would fuel the fire and also direct it on it's path to it's destination. She had to be careful with it, releasing oxygen molecules into her blood stream or brain was definitely a terrible idea.

"That's the comprehension, now turn over the coin." Kimblee said. "Waking from sleep has nothing to do with destroying those chemicals, it has more to do with the build up of acetylcholine. It's a neurotransmitter. It activates your muscles. That's what will wake you. It's made up of Oxygen and Nitrogen. Turn the coin over."

She didn't want to, she was too focused on it. Losing focus would lose this odd connection she had with understanding elements and the chemicals and...alchemy. Was this what it was like? This fading of reality to focus on this invisible element until you could feel the concentration? She could see the blur of it, like a wave of heat off a car's hood. Slight, but impossible to completely focus on it, just  _something_  beyond her focus. In order for Kimblee to get the satisfaction he was looking for she had to use alchemy to destroy her own body, her own mind...so his help here had to be genuine. He needed her to do this to get gratification.

"Turn it over." Kimblee ordered.

She reached out and did as told and it took a lot of effort to make sure she didn't lose her hyper focus. She looked at the new circle. It was different. It was the key out of here. She just had to comprehend it, but she didn't even have the slightest clue about these chemicals. Oxygen...oxygen she could understand. How it reacted. It's states. The atomic weight of 15.99. It's atomic number was 8. Roy had studied it and she with him. She had quizzed him. She had been there and actually enjoyed learning with him because he had been such an enthusiastic student. This coin was...worthless. She had to go with what she knew and that was oddly enough Flame Alchemy.

"Equivalent exchange." Kimblee said. "How the sleep cycle rotates from the control of the chemicals on one side of this coin to the ones that would wake you on the back side. The levels have to balance out, as one fades the other will rise to take over and then relinquish it's control after it's levels fade. It is a circle, like the ouroboros or the transmutation circle or the coin."

She stopped listening to him and concentrated so hard on the coin that his voice seemed to become incredibly distant. What she wanted now was Roy, someone she would trust implicitly. She thought back to those days on her worn living room floor as he spread out mountains of notes and homework, overwhelmed by it's shear quantity. His tired eyes and the way he'd play with his hair when he couldn't grasp what he was looking at. She had watched him knowing her father was trying to bury him under the work, trying to see what he was made of and she didn't want to see him fail. So they sat up at night and worked on it all and she learned to copy his handwriting as they worked out some problems together because the workload was too much for one person alone.

So maybe she did have alchemy lessons after all, because Roy would never leave her behind. Even with some of the basic work, things he already mastered, he had sat there and explained it to her with an energy that was instantly renewed when he had the chance to become the teacher. The excitement of sharing his passion, the comradely of having someone to spend his time with and the blossoming love that she started to feel because of the way he treated her and wanted to include her. She saw alchemy in a whole new light because of him. With her father she had learned that she would never be as worthy of attention as his work, with Roy he made her feel like she was more interesting and more impressive that alchemy could ever be. It was both the alchemists's obsessions, what they wanted to dedicate their lives to, but Roy wanted to include her because he wanted her feedback and participation. He appreciated her perspective and came to rely upon it to keep him grounded. He didn't want to be lost to it, he didn't want her to be either.

And the energy began to flow through the coin again, a feeling of peace and understanding was overcoming her and allowing her to relax. Knowledge she never knew what to do with and a new found faith in herself, allowed her the confidence to relax and take a chance by picking up the pencil that was on the table and drawing the Flame Alchemist's array. She lost sight of the coin and sketched out the array she knew so well and it came so easily. She clapped and placed her hands on the table, then closed her eyes and put every ounce of her strength into focusing in making her muscles move again. Oxygen flowed and with it she felt a spark of energy and excitement. Her heart began to race and she was convinced the right path here was not in changing chemicals or doing anything to influence her brain, but in overriding it all with her body by flooding it with enough endorphins to force herself to wake up.

Riza knew now that she had to become the Flame Alchemist to leave here.

Flame alchemy  _was_  more than just fire, it was oxygen. She focused on the oxygen concentration and started to pull more of it closer to her. If she could force her body to feel an external threat, if she could affect her body from the outside and force a response, these sleep chemicals would be overridden. Her body was already trying to wake up, but the muscle paralysis was part of the inhibitors job, so if she targeted a major system her body would produce a fight or flight response and those chemicals would initiate a greater reaction. It was self-preservation, sleep be damned. To make it more impactful, she imagined the dizziness was because Kimblee was preparing to kill her and the atmosphere was closing in on her prior to one of his explosions. It was a fear she knew from Ishval when she had been too close to the path of his destruction. If this dream was constructed of her fears and experiences, there was no reason she shouldn't use it to her advantage. Her heart began to race, her breathing hitched and that familiar wave of energy from her body's fight response started to course through her veins.

It was difficult to focus on the alchemy now as she was on the verge of losing consciousness, however it was vital she see this to the end or it was possible that something would happen to prevent her from attempting it again. She stared at Kimblee and watched his expression turn from ambivalent to sadistic as the dots started to obscure her vision and the darkness crept in from her peripherals. His hands went up and he flashed his palms at her right before slamming them together and then she saw that glow of light for his transmutation and it all went dark.


	19. Awakening

 

 

 

 

_Absent_

Chapter 19

**Awakening**

* * *

Kimblee, Hayate and the library were no more as they were swallowed up by the darkness. She felt the pressure of a squeeze around her chest and and let the dream take it's course. She couldn't be dead, she could feel too much even if she was disorientated and scared. Her heart pounded and her lungs screamed and her head began to throb. The sensation of being squeezed got more intense and then there was something damp on her neck...finally it was too real to not react to and her eyes shot open in a panic.

She had no idea where she was.

The library was gone and all she saw was  _blue_ , the soothing blue of their uniforms. Her eyes were seeing, but her mind was not comprehending what she was seeing. It was more frightening than her dream had been, waking to surroundings she wasn't sure about. She looked around as she tried to assess her situation and struggled to get up, her eyes darted around as she tried to get her bearings, that familiar feeling of waking up from a nightmare and not knowing if this was reality or just another version of hell. Compared the the experience in the dream her senses seemed dampened, more like real life.

"Lieutenant!"

That was enough to ground her.  _His_  voice, panicked and cracking.  _Roy's_ voice, right beside her. The world around them no longer mattered and her eyes looked up into the face of the man who she had left dead on the side of the road. He looked utterly distraught. Then she felt that dampness on her neck again as Hayate nudged her with his nose.

And the world made sense again.

She could feel her body again, feel the damp nose on her skin and the rough uniform against her face. Roy was holding her and it felt so good. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the comfort of his embrace and proximity.  _He was alive_. Then her eyes shot open as she remembered where she potentially was: the warehouse district! She pushed against him as he babbled about her needing to say something assure him that she was OK, but she couldn't let him compromise himself like this. "Let go."

"No." Roy pulled her chin over to make her look at him. "Not until you tell me if you're OK! What happened?"

"You're in danger, let go." She repeated and struggled to sit up but her body wasn't completely responding. Her limbs were still a little numb, still tingly from the sleep paralysis and she couldn't help but panic as she felt the lack of response from her own body. Too much was happening at once and all she could do was weakly push against him to reinforce her point. To compound her issues, she felt like she was going to pass out.

"Stay still."

"This was alchemy...that alchemist you dismissed..." She whispered and saw his confusion mix with his lack of concern for the explanation. He only saw her right now and as she regained control of her body she pushed away from his grasp. There was the potential for an audience or an attack, but she had no idea how to make him understand the danger. She looked around as she tried to move her arm to grab her gun if needed and saw Hayate put himself between them and  _someone_  over by one of the buildings. "He's here."

Roy had no idea what she was talking about but was more concerned by her agitated state and the physical reaction of her body to all of it. He wanted to listen but the signs of her distress were all he could hear right now.; her rapid heart rate pulsating in the blood vessel in her neck and her strained breathing that made him worry she was struggling for air.

Riza felt helpless, just like it was a dream.  _Why wasn't he listening to her!_  She knew it was because she wasn't able to force out the words and explain herself, but he  _knew better_  than to kneel here out in the open next to her and expose himself! She was shaking now, dizzy and bordering on passing out thanks to her inability to push aside the adrenaline on top of the stress her body had endured. It wasn't helping...she had been through too much already to lose sight of what was really going on here: she had to overcome her body's response to what was going on. She had to relax, she had to give him reason to stop looking at her vital signs and start looking at her.

Roy ignored Hayate's whine and looked into Riza's eyes as she calmed down and stopped fighting him. Pleading eyes, asking for his help. "What do you need me to do?"

She had his attention, his focused attention, and that was good enough. Now her eyes went to Hayate and followed where he was looking to see someone standing in the shadows of the warehouse. No, not just some _one_ , more people were materializing. It had to be him, just from the look he was giving her she knew it was him... _the alchemist_. Her body reacted to her anger and she could do nothing about it. That damned alchemist was standing there brimming with satisfaction and _her grandfather_  was standing beside him with his own look of satisfaction for an entirely different reason. There were a few more officers, ones from the General's staff that were on the committee for interviewing State Alchemist certification candidates. So she spoke up, finally finding her voice, and hoped Roy would just play along. "Sir, you were right. The alchemy...is easy to overcome even by someone who has no alchemy training whatsoever."

Roy just stared at her, he knew from the look in her eyes and the attention that Hayate was directing behind them that there was someone watching. He assumed it was his men, or maybe warehouse workers...he honestly didn't care. He had found her laying here unresponsive and the absolute last thing he cared about was appearances. He could explain his way out of anything, even if the Fuhrer himself was standing there he was confident in his bullshitting ability to come up with something no matter 'what it looked like'. His concern was in how Riza was acting right now, her strained breathing, her weak attempts to push against him and now this nonsense. "Lieutenant, we need to get you to the hospital."

"Sir." Riza said firmly and finally propped herself up. She had to think quickly, the danger could only be fought with words now. "It was brilliant for you to anticipate  _that_  man's revenge tactics to try to ruin your reputation and gain credibility for his alchemy in one blow."

Roy finally blinked away the concern as her eyes looked behind him and she returned her gaze to him and intently told him with just a look that he needed to listen to her,  _now_. He steeled his emotions and turned to look over his shoulder, to the audience of all the high command and...that crazy asshole with the alchemy coin from last week? He had no explanation for any of this but all the faith in the world that Riza knew what she was talking about. He followed her lead without missing a beat, "I dismissed him for a reason, there is no room for an individual with such compromised integrity and parlor trick alchemy in the military. Military  _prison_  however, suits people like you Mr. Henry."

Riza watched the alchemist, Henry, react to it all. Disbelief and shock, then rage. She sat up and made a show of dusting some debris from her hair and readjusting her uniform, then pet her dog who jumped into her lap and licked her face. All while Mr. Henry fumed. It took all her strength to do it, her body felt so tired and her mind was hazy. This was all so surreal, but there would be time later to figure it all out. There was only one opportunity to deflect the potential damage from this and it was now.

"Impossible!" Henry screamed. "It worked perfectly! You picked up the coin like a lure, you were immobilized and completely in REM sleep...it worked!"

"Arrest him." Roy ordered, no doubt in his mind that this man was indeed the threat. He thought him slightly unstable but not to this degree. He watched Grumman's bodyguards look startled and then leap into action to grab the alchemist who was now flailing about trying to free his hands to perform a transmutation. It was then that he saw it, the circle etched in the dirt and the coin glistening in the sunlight. He had no idea how the hell Riza had worked all this out but his confusion and concern disappeared and his anger grew. This bastard had deliberately targeted Riza to get back at him and that was unforgivable. Once the MPs had Henry restrained he looked down to Riza and she gave him a subtle smile that said 'later'. He never felt so clueless about a situation in his life, but he stood and held out his hand to help her up, he didn't need answers when he had the utmost faith in her.

"Thank you sir." Riza set her dog down and took Roy's hand and stood on wobbly legs and he instantly grabbed her arm to steady her. "Even if it was a little heavy on the overacting."

He knew everyone was watching them,  _watching them touching_ , and had been watching his absolute panic as he held her in his arms and tried to wake her. She was covering for him, trying to lead him away from this nightmare of rumors and allegations that he was fraternizing with his secretary. He gave a shrug and a smirk even if it was completely forced, "Always the critic, Lieutenant. I'll have you know I am the top paid actor at the Hughes Drama Theater in Central and have never received a complaint before."

That seemed to appease everyone, except for her grandfather. The other officers were quick to turn and walk back to the car, eager for lunch and not interested in staying to witness more praise lauded upon the Flame Alchemist, but Grumman stood there with a smile. She stood up tall and waited, knowing what was coming.

"Looked very convincing to me, Mustang." Grumman grinned. "Quite the incredible strategy, I have to wonder how you lose in chess so much when you clearly see through your opponents tactics so well."

"General Grumman, Mr. Henry was hardly on par with your genius." Roy said and could see the old man's smile and eyebrows wiggle. He was like a hound on blood trail now and there was no taking him off it. Dammit.

"Maybe next time we should up the stakes and play for something you actually want to win." Grumman put his hands behind his back and gave Riza a toothy grin. "My granddaughter would make an incredible wife for you, probably the only woman I know that would outmaneuver you. Let me know if you would like to meet her, she might appreciate your... _overacting performances_ as well."

It was incredible how inappropriate he could be. Roy just smiled as the old man laughed and walked back to his entourage. Once he was sure they were far enough away he let loose a strained breath and turned to Riza to look over her face and make sure she was still doing OK. "I have no idea what just happened."

"Let's go back to the office." She said and then turned to look at the coin in the dirt, she pulled from his grasp and he reluctantly let her go, then she walked over bent down to picked it up. There was no way she was going to let Roy touch the damned thing. Standing was a little difficult, she was still light headed from waking up. Now she felt like she was going to crash, like the mental and physical exhaustion was just going to take her legs out from under her.

"After you go to the infirmary and get checked out." He said and watched her wobble a little as she stood upright again. He walked over and reached out to stead her again and give her a reassuring squeeze. He was having a hard time coping with how stressed he was over her right now. He heard his voice crack a little as he said in a low voice, "Maybe you could fill me in on the way there?"

"This coin works." She said and grabbed on to it so hard it probably made an impression on her palm. She wanted him to destroy it but she knew that wasn't the answer. She had no idea how to summarize her experience, or how much she really wanted to share before she could fully digest it herself. She still needed answers. "How long have I been out?"

"Of the office?" Roy asked and lead her over to where he had parked the car. "You left around 0900, Hayate came back to get me about an hour later."

"He...came back to get you?" She asked and looked down at her dog who was glued to her side.

"I love that dog and he's getting a promotion. He ran back to HQ, darted in the front door between Major Cafferty's legs, went up the stairs and barked at the door until we opened it. I followed him and told him to wait for me to get the car, then followed him. He's a good boy, a  _real_  good boy. " Roy said and lead her over to the car, then opened the passenger door for her. He gently held her arm as she lowered herself into the seat, still disoriented. Hayate was on her lap the instant her butt hit the seat. He watched her react by wrapping her arms around him and letting him nuzzle her. She seemed so distant, tired...but content. He was trying to remain professional, but inside he was concerned enough to make himself queasy. He rushed over to his door and got in, then drove with more caution than normal to avoid making himself throw up. "Riza, are you OK? If that son of a bitch did anything to you..."

"I'm fine Roy." She said reassuringly and leaned back in the seat to look over at him. He was alive and he was  _her_ Roy. "I don't even know where to begin with telling you what happened."

"How did you know it was him? Did you put yourself in harms way just to..." Roy drove slowly, watching the curious workers as they stopped to see what the fuss was about. They were trying to fix some pallets and crates that he  _may_  have hit in his attempt to keep up with Hayate as he darted through the alleys around the buildings. One guy gave him the finger so he assumed that this was the way he came in.

"No, I walked right into his trap and his alchemy does work." She said softly and pet her dog. "I was in an induced dream state and I had to find my way out of this world where everything was different because we never met. Something I thought you would be better off for, and you were happy, but it got you killed and...the boys. God, the boys! Are the boys OK?"

"Why wouldn't they be?" Roy asked as she reached for the radio receiver and pressed the button to call HQ. He was still worried, and he felt his stomach churn as she acted unlike herself again. If Henry did something to her...

"This is Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye, per Colonel Mustang's orders we need a BOLO put out on the Elric brothers and them brought into East HQ to the Colonel's office when found."

Roy just remained silent as Riza took charge and used his name to get the Elrics dragged in from god knows where for reasons unknown. He just drove as quickly as he dared back to HQ to get her to the infirmary. It had been a long time since he was this scared and they weren't in immediate danger.

"Sorry, I need to make sure they are safe." Riza could tell from the look he was giving her that he was now more worried than before because she just assumed command without any explanation. She had to remember that she wasn't Lt. Colonel Hawkeye anymore and never really was. "I'm sorry...I just watched you all die and I need to know every one of you is safe and alive."

"It was just a dream, but I understand." Roy replied. Her thought process was all over the place, something that was unthinkable for Riza. She was always focused and carefully to explain her actions so that everyone understood the situation. It was her way; It's how she was the leader and teacher she was. However, right now, she was jumping from being unconscious to accusing some alchemist she never met of conspiracy and now she was basically sitting in his seat doing his job and...well... she was acting like him. Mind too many places at once to bother explaining any of it.

She could hear his uncertainty, his worry. She pet her dog and gave Roy a reassuring smile as he drove back to HQ like a rational and responsible driver. He was actually so concerned and worried he didn't want to drive too fast because he didn't think he could react quick enough. He needed answers. "The coin was activated and put me in a dream state, I was confronted with an alternative reality that was a mixture of all my experiences and fears. You never met me, you never became the flame alchemist and you never went to Ishval. You studied bio-alchemy from Ed and Al's father, and you took care of them after they performed human transmutation. The boys lived with you. You were all so happy."

Silence. Then he replied quietly, sadly, "You say that as if  _you_  were the reason that everything happened to me, that somehow removing yourself from my life was enough to restore my happiness and fix the lives of those kids. You don't think that do you? Henry's coin was supposed to show you an alternative life where every went differently and you are able to change the wrongs that happened. You don't actually believe my life could be better without you,  _do you_?"

"You were still innocent and invested in alchemy. You believed in it, because it hadn't betrayed you." She said and looked down at her dog. "Without me you didn't have the alchemy to destroy Ishval or yourself. You were left unscathed. "

"I would never wish for...being without you." He said and keep his eyes on the road as he tried to comprehend a life without her then he added softly, "Unless it made you happy."

"Now you understand." She said and rested her chin on Hayate's head. "I hate myself so much for hurting you and it's crossed my mind that if we never met..."

"None of what happened to us was in any way your fault. I made my choices and in doing so I let you down." He reached over and took her hand and squeezed it. "I never want to be without you."

"You were happy." She said and threaded her fingers into his. "However it cost you your life when you encountered Scar. I watched you die because of it. Ed and Al...died too when they rushed in to your defense and you weren't alive or capable of saving them. It's why I need to see them, no matter how pissed Ed is going to be about it."

"I understand." He said. "What about you? Without me...were you happy?"

"I was...different." She didn't really know how to describe that alternative version of herself. Was she happy, yes, but she was also isolated and so unaware of everything she was missing out on. She could feel the tension in the car as Roy waited to hear the answer, dreading hearing that she could find some better life without him. "I was a different person. Was she happy with that life she had? I don't know that she really based her level of happiness on anything more than having a roof over her head, food and an income. She was not me."

"Than that version of me, was not me either." Roy said and looked over at her as they pulled into the parking lot by the infirmary. "He clearly didn't know what he was missing and that is not a basis for judging happiness. I love you. I wish we had a different life without the pain we've endured, maybe a little more freedom to be  _us,_ but you are definitely not a part of my life I regret. That Roy Mustang might have thought he was happy but he clearly didn't know what that meant if he never experienced loving you."

She turned to him and was speechless until he squeezed her hand and pulled his own away and got out of the car. Before she could collect herself he was at her door and opening it for her.

"So what did you do without me?" He had to ask out of curiosity. He wanted to know, maybe it was just his desire to torture himself, but he couldn't wait til later to find out. He had to know.

"I was the Flame Alchemist." She said and to her astonishment he gave her a satisfied smile. One that said he had seen that alternative outcome before. "You're...not at all surprised by that."

"Not in the least." He said and held out his hand to help her up.

Riza remained seated, suddenly overwhelmed by something for the first time since she woke up. She wanted to blame it on the adrenaline subsiding or maybe the chemicals in her body finally being metabolized...but she knew it was the fact that it was Roy's genuine belief in her to do anything even alchemy. Even  _his_  alchemy.

"Come on, Lieutenant." He said softly. "Let's get you checked out so we can get back to the office before Fullmetal destroys it because  _you_  had him dragged in like a criminal."

She put her hand in his and he pulled her out of the car. Hayate jumped out and as he reached to close the door she saw a smirk and a mischievous smile that reassured her that this was indeed her Roy Mustang.

"Later, however, I am  _absolutely_  open to exploring you playing the part of the Flame Alchemist as long as you watch what you rub with my gloves." He grinned at her and then slammed the door. He was happy to see that amused but admonishing look on her face, it made him feel like things were going to be alright.


	20. Recovery

 

 

 

 

 

_Absent_

Chapter 20

**Recovery**

* * *

Roy refused to leave the infirmary after telling the doctor and staff what he could about what she was exposed to. The doctors were skeptical but he was rather persuasive and somewhat threatening. Alchemy  _could_  manipulate sleep patterns and brain chemicals to put a patient to sleep, and Roy made them all believers in the process of scaring them even more. Unfortunately he was not happy when they confessed that sleep studies were not part of their expertise and this situation would require a specialist if that was indeed the issue. The medical staff was sure to give her a through checkup while Roy commandeered their phone, happy to have something to do that was not involved directly with Colonel Mustang.

Riza focused on Roy, listening intently to his angry words barked at some innocent individual on the other end of a phone line. He called to verify that Mr. Henry was in lockup and ordered he not be interrogated by anyone other than him or Maes Hughes. That worried her. However his next call was to Hughes and she heard the stress in his voice as his best friend reacted to the news of her attack and her heart ached a little. That ache that made her feel loved but also sad that she was causing him grief.

"Hughes, just get on the next train or get in a car and be here as soon as you can. I'll hopefully have answers then, but you don't have time to waste asking questions."

It was a subtle crack in his voice that betrayed him as he said 'Hughes'. He was asking his best friend to come help him, not the head of Military Investigations. He was asking Maes to give him support and be there to stop him from doing something wrong.

"She's...Ok."

It was the uncertainty, the hesitation...the quiet words spoken somewhere beyond the curtain pulled shut around her bed. He was worried and it was tearing him apart that he had to stand beyond the curtain and be the asshole Colonel instead of by her bedside. These were the moments that it truly hurt to be  _them_ ; when the slightest touch of reassurance would mean the world but it would also cause their world to come crashing down around them.

" _You_  won't be if you don't get off the damned phone and get your ass out here!"

There it was, the recovery from the break in his carefully maintained resolve. She knew the infirmary staff was listening, trying to avoid eye contact, trying to avoid his wrath. They were also looking for  _something_  to confirm rumors everyone had heard. As the phone slammed down into it's cradle, she heard some shuffling as everyone went back to work. He was lashing out as a defense mechanism but it was also the best way possible to avoid anyone scrutinizing them too much because they were too afraid to even be in a room with him.

The doctor on call made sure to duck back into her enclosure to avoid being in the path of the Colonel's unrelenting questions. "So, let's check your vitals again, shall we, Liutenant?"

Riza nodded and sat up and felt the stethoscope touch her skin. They would release her because they simply had no answers to give him, they could find nothing wrong and they just wanted him gone. That suited her just fine, however once they got back to the office she was going to have to tell him what happened and she wasn't sure how to go about doing that. So much was too personal to be spoken aloud at work, too personal to even be spoken in private before she really had time to process all of it. It wasn't telling a story about some crazy dream she had, it was telling the story of her life, her fears and unrealized feelings.

"Deep breath."

She did as requested and it made her reflect on her final transmutation that enabled her to escape her dream. If she increased the oxygen concentration around her body...how was Roy holding her like he was and  _unaffected_?

"Again."

She took in another lungful of air and contemplated that answer. If she had indeed succeeded in performing alchemy, than Roy would have been affected being that close to her. She felt a little shred of disappointment as she realized it had been just her imagination. Just her belief within the dream that she could conquer this elusive art that had surrounded her her entire life and always been just out of her reach. She suddenly felt like a fool, playing a trick on her own body and mind and somehow forgetting it was all...just a dream. The stethoscope moved to her heart and the doctor seemed pleased with the results. Now she wasn't sure she wanted to share the details of her adventure, somewhat embarrassed by it all.

"Well I don't see anything that concerns me..." The Doctor hesitated when he heard boots squeak on the linoleum and knew that Colonel Mustang was waiting to ambush him as soon as he materialized on the other side of the curtain. He made it clear that he wanted to debrief his Lieutenant immediately following a clear health exam. "I think we can safely release you back to work however I want you to come back immediately if you are experiencing any irregularities. Your blood work will take time to return from the lab and we are checking the register for specialists in this...unique area."

She smiled at him. "Thank you, Doctor Phillips."

The doctor vanished and she was left to get changed behind the curtain, the entire time she could feel his presence hovering beside the cotton shield just waiting for her to push it back and reappear. It was already such a long day and there was no end in sight. She just wanted to sit down on the couch in his apartment, lay in his arms and tell him this story. Only then could she maybe start to make sense of it herself, when he could lend her his perspective and point out fallacies in her thinking. Instead they would carry on as usual, as Colonel and Lieutenant, and file the reports and do the interviews and go home to separate apartments because it was too risky to be together now.

So as she finished dressing she drew back the curtain and looked at him as he stood there with a forced expression of annoyance, and gave him a smile that nobody else could possibly see. A smile to tell him she was fine, that she was so damned glad to see him and that she was going to be up for the task that lay ahead. He gave her a nod and walked to the door, holding it open for her.

"Alright Lieutenant, let's get the necessary paperwork started. I want to be fully briefed before I interrogate Mr. Henry."

She nodded and signed her name on the medical documents that the nurse provided for her on a clipboard. Seeing Dr. Phillips name made her think of something. "You said  _Mister_  Henry...wasn't he a doctor?"

"Not anymore." Roy said and waited for her to hand the clipboard back. Now it was undeniably his fault. They walked into the hallway and the infirmary door closed behind them. Hayate jumped to his feet and went to his owners side and they started to walk down the hall. Safely out of earshot of anyone, he continued. "I was quick to call the psychiatric hospital and express my concerns after he submitted his research for consideration at the certification meeting. They had his license suspended while a full investigation was conducted on his work at the psychiatric hospital. That man was not a doctor and I was not going to address him by that title when he clearly abused his privileges and abandoned his principals to pursue a new career as a State Alchemist."

She heard the guilt through the professional statement, the resounding 'This was my fault...'. "You were clearly right to do so."

He couldn't say anything. He almost lost her because he once again tried to do the right thing. He didn't have to be the arrogant dick about it, he could have handled the situation better. Maybe then Henry would have...

"If you didn't do what you did he would have gone back to work somewhere else and continued his research on patients." Riza said knowing he was mentally flogging himself for creating this situation. She remembered what Kimblee had said, about those 'types' of people. Types like Mr. Henry. "He clearly is a man who does not see the wrongs in his actions. He would have either taken it out on his patients or you, never once thinking that his thinking was what was flawed. You saved a lot of people Colonel."

"That's always the problem, in saving a lot of people the sacrifices that have to be made..." Roy paused as he tried to complete his thoughts and because there were other soldiers coming down the hallway that could hear them. Once they passed he finished his sentence. "It's never equivalent exchange."

"In his eyes it was a career for a career." She said and they walked up the stairs together to the second floor where their office was. "If it was about his alchemy he could have found another way to demonstrate it's ability, but this was about revenge and the satisfaction of inflicting damage on you for taking away his work and his chance to be powerful. You saved patients and you saved countless others from this horrible weapon that never needed to be in the hands of anyone."

He looked over at her and met her eyes and saw the unwavering look of pride in them. She was always so proud of him, even when she was the first person he always failed by doing what he thought was right. Her words though, seemed like they resonated some other meaning that only happened to apply to this situation. He would wait to ask her about that later, for now they had to get back to the office and he had to hear the entire story before Hughes got here.

They continued the rest of the way in silence, she knew Roy wanted to say something to counter her statement but he knew it could echo up the stairwell. When they walked into the office the entire team swarmed her. A million questions at once and of course Fuery scooping up Hayate in his arms and exclaiming what a good boy he was! Riza couldn't help but smile, news traveled quickly around here and it was amazing how much everyone knew. It saved her from explaining everything and relighting Roy's already short fuse. "I'm fine, I promise."

"Did the Colonel  _really_  know that was going to happen?" Fuery asked.

Bless him, he worshiped the ground Roy walked on. She was glad that the higher ups, the officers that had accompanied Grumman and Henry to the warehouse district, had eaten up that story and come back complaining about it. She was sure that was the source of this information and she was glad she could count on the military rumor mill to be reliable as ever. "Yes. The Colonel suspected that this man was dangerous and might act irrationally."

It was truth, but it didn't feel right. It made Roy's stomach churn and he just wanted to rush into his office with her and slam the door. God he just wanted to keep her safe and do something right for once, but she was always the one protecting him and it just.. _wasn't right._  "We need to get your report done, Lieutenant. I would like to have it prepared for when Lieutenant Colonel Hughes arrives."

"Absolutely, sir." She replied and looked around at the faces of the men she worked with: Fuery glowing with admiration for Roy, Havoc's curious glance at her as he tried to determine if she was covering for Mustang again, Breda who was mentally retracing steps to see where they may have crossed paths with this then unknown threat and Falman who was quick to get the incident report forms stacked and placed in a folder for them to complete. Hayate went over to his water bowl and drank as Roy strode into his office like the confident mysterious leader these men dedicated themselves to instead of the queasy and distraught man hiding under all of it. She could hear it in his quick dismissal, he had to get her alone. She took the packet from Falman and grabbed her pen before walking into the office with Hayate at her heels.

The door closed and Riza walked over to his desk and put the paperwork down. Only then could he let the stress show. When he was holding her in his arms in the warehouse lot, her limp body unresponsive to his touch or voice, it was enough to scare him into almost destroying everything they worked for. Then she woke up and was more concerned with protecting him than anything. The story of their lives. He couldn't resist reaching out to touch her hand as it rested on the folder Falman had given her. "I am so sorry."

"This is not your fault." She said softly and she could see it on his face that he would never believe that. She wanted to provide him with comfort but she knew this was not the time nor place for that. Right now he needed a distraction to get to the end of the day. "Do you want to hear what happened or do you just want me to put in this report that it is entirely your fault for doing your job?"

He let his hand linger on hers a few seconds longer before slowly sinking into his chair and letting it slide away. "I don't know what I would do without you."

It was an all-encompassing statement about them on a personal and professional level, to someone listening it sounded like she was simply keeping him focused on work. It was how they lived their lives now, so wrapped up in double or triple meanings that perhaps it prepared her for this morning's mental adventure. She picked up the folder and went to the couch, still a little exhausted from the endeavor and not particularly interested in taunting Roy by sitting beside him. She started writing, trying to focus her mind on the facts and find a place to start telling him about her journey.


	21. Recollection

 

 

_Absent_

Chapter 21

**Recollection**

* * *

Roy watched her settle back into the routine, just as easily as she always did. There was comfort in the process of their work, the job that they were trained to do without thinking. So much of being a soldier was focusing on the task at hand, not always rank and file or lock and load, even the paperwork portion of their job was automatic. No sooner did an incident happen than they mentally logged the important facts that would have to be recorded, so he could see how Riza was going to just try to go about business as usual and hope it staved off the questions until later. He would do whatever she needed and hope he could restrain himself when it came time to question the man who put her in harms way.

"I left the office this morning at approximately 0900 after being notified by my commanding officer that he and the team had been out all evening on an undercover mission in the warehouse district. I took my dog for a walk to location, to examine the site. It was there that I discovered the coin, exhibit A, and picked it up." That was was harmless and it was only what followed these events that she found herself questioning how to report. Riza hoped she would get further than this, their time was limited to put together an acceptable description of events.

Roy watched her put her pen down and waited. He could see she was trying to find a place to start.

"I came back to the office with the coin, to show you," Riza continued, off the record. "I walked in and you were on the phone with Hughes. Ed burst in and called you 'Roy' babbling about something he found and you two were just...friendly. It was actually really sweet."

Roy snorted. "You didn't think something was wrong with that?"

"I thought you were all playing a prank." She admitted. "My desk was gone, everyone was working...Hayate's bowl was missing. You and Ed were friendly and you had your work done and were going to leave to help Ed with his research. Then I went to your desk and you looked at me like I was a threat. Ed covered his notes with his hand and there was a picture on your desk of you in your younger days at the Elric's house. Young  _you_  with Ed and Al and their family, even with the Rockbells at a picnic. You and Hughes. Then you and the team  _without me_. "

"I would never..."

"I know you would never pull a prank like that. I know." She said and leaned back on the couch and looked up at the ceiling fan. It was all such a clear and vivid memory despite happening in a dream several hours ago. She could easily  _tell_  this story, it was just a story at this point. "You apprenticed with Ed's Dad. You lived with the boys when they were little and learned alchemy there. Something was off, I felt in my gut that you never knew me. I felt it in the way you looked at me, I knew you could never look at me like that. Like a stranger. I did my best to try to figure things out so I told you I was looking for some alchemy information. I showed you the coin and both you and Ed forgot about everything and practically drooled on it."

Roy watched her think of something and lean forward to get the coin out of her pocket, the coin she absolutely refused to let him near. "I can't believe I was able to take my eyes off you to look at some shitty token. This other me was an idiot."

She looked at him with the 'someone could be listening' glare and he just shrugged. She pulled the coin out and examined it. Probably the only time she had really looked at it was in the warehouse lot, and only for a second or two, yet she had committed every bit of it to memory. Enough so that she was able to recall it perfectly in her dream. Now that she was telling the story, she had a chance to retrace her steps and question them. "How would I know about the language of Xerses? Why would I have equated that with Ed and Al?"

It was an odd question and he tapped his fingers on the desk as he thought about it. "We went back to their house after we met them the first time to cover up the transmutation circle as best we could. Just in case someone else came by. You remember moving that rug from the living room to the study with me?"

"Yes." She remembered that day. Only after they had seen Ed and his damaged body did she let the impact of that transmutation hit her. They were in _that_  room trying to cover things up and she saw blood...but no body parts. If war had taught her anything it was that limbs could be obliterated but they did leave a mess behind. There was no tissue, no bone...just blood from where an artery pumped blood onto the floor because the leg it used to supply was missing. The limbs had vanished, taken by alchemy.

"We did our best to hide the evidence. The circle, the blood and all those notes." Roy said. It was his first glimpse into the true brilliance of the Elrics, seeing their notes and work in human transmutation. The failure to perform it and their survival had secured his interest in them, but seeing their work with his own eyes made him appreciate them as alchemists. "We spent the whole afternoon there. There were some books I found on the shelf that were in a language you hadn't seen before..which was odd considering your father's extensive collection. I told you it was from Xerses and I had seen it before when I was little at an exhibit in the National Museum. An exhibit that was removed years ago, probably because someone else recognized it as alchemy. "

She remembered that day now, the conversation lost in her memories until today. Young Roy had been interested enough in that artifact he found to learn a dead language and decode a piece of scroll from an ancient civilization. He casually mentioned it last year to the boys when they were talking about an old obscure bedtime story their Dad used to tell them. Their Dad who collected books from Xerses and told them he read it in there somewhere. However the boys were adamant about rereading those books and never finding that story. "This coin, has that language on it, I think. Can you verify and tell me what it says?"

Roy cocked an eyebrow and she got up to bring the coin over to him so he could see it. She was careful to not let him touch it. "It's an old idiom that means, 'The other side of the coin'."

Riza clenched her hand tight around the coin. " _How_  could I know that? You told me that in my dream which means that somehow I knew it!  _How_  did Henry know about this dead language and know that you knew it?"

Roy reached over and wrapped his hand around her clenched fist. Hearing her distress, hearing her vehement questions made him realize she was still unsure about what had happened to her. This hesitation wasn't just about finding the words to put in a report or protect him from statements that he could twist to feed his own self-loathing, this was genuinely about Riza not knowing what happened this morning. It really was a dream, a dream she questioned every aspect of even to the point of wondering if it really happened. He wanted to support her through this and be the reassurance that she wasn't losing her mind. "It's an alchemist's fairy tale, one that appears in most 'Introduction to Alchemy' books, one you've probably read a few times and Henry had to as well."

Riza wished she could feel that same confidence in herself that she had felt in that dream world, however speaking about it all made her scrutinize every word. Living in the moment, riding the adrenaline and powering through the unknown was easy in a dream where she knew things were not right. Here, in reality, she was scared of the consequences of her words. One misstep could wound a man she loved and reduce her faith in herself to distinguish between truth and imagination.

Roy continued, seeing that his participation in this was needed, seeing that his contributions could help her in some way. "The story goes that there was a archaeological dig at Xerxes back in the 1870s and they discovered a tablet with an inscription on it that read "descend into the dark abyss for the elixir of life". Being that 'Elixir of life' was what some of the ancient cultures called the philosopher's stone, the ruins were almost instantly overrun with everyone from alchemists to treasure hunters all looking for what they thought would be the long sought after mythical prize."

Riza remembered this now. It was another story, like the Philosopher from the East, that alchemists considered a romantic history of their science. She looked to Roy as he continued, his face saying that he believed in her and that he was here to help her believe in herself.

"After damned near destroying the ruins, the original archaeologist finally unearthed a well at the location of his dig.  _A well._  " Roy said and squeezed her hand. She took a deep breath, more confident in her experience now that she could place where this information came from. " _Water_  was the 'elixir of life' referenced, not the philosopher's stone, and the tablet was once part of the structure housing it. Eventually they determined the phrase was about embracing fears and things not being what they seemed. An ancient idiom for looking at both sides of a situation, because the darkness is cold and the epitome of fear but you trust and rely on the liquid in the bucket you pull up from the depths. On the surface it is bright and warm and comfortable, but you'd die without the water from below. Two contrasting locations can occupy the same space, just on different layers. And the moral of the story to alchemists is about verifying the source of Truth before accepting it's context."

Riza didn't remember it quite like that, but Roy was so much better with words than her Father. He was also giving her something more, his own encouragement woven into the fabric of that simple little story. "And Henry, he was so moved by this story to engrave it on his coin?"

"A little bit of flair." Roy said and took his hand back. Then he watched hers turn over and open, revealing the coin in question. He looked it over, then etched it out on his notebook. "I think it also was a way to get some credibility for his work. There is nothing quite like using some proverb in a dead language to make yourself look like an intellectual."

She could hear Roy's hostility in the snide remarks. "This alchemy worked. I don't understand how you can still be doubting the man's ability."

"Riza, true alchemy is about deconstruction  _and_  reconstruction." Roy said and finished his sketch, Riza turned the coin over so he could see the back. "This was a weapon, destruction, disguised as a advancement for mental health of soldiers. The odds of someone being able to come out of this were not very high. His research was incomplete, he could active this transmutation circle and put the victim in a coma, however once the body reacted to the chemical manipulation the equation changed. The elements were unknown, hell they were  _always_  unknown. He had no idea what level of chemicals were in the subjects body to begin with, it was risking a persons life to even activate this. That's not alchemy, that's flippantly gambling with someone's life."

She nodded. It made sense. Alchemists knew mass, atomic weight, density, components of alloys, atmospheric concentration of gases...however the level of chemicals a body was producing at any given time was not quantitative. She turned the coin over for him to see the other side and make his own notes about it.

"He made it work, most of the time. However, he was unable to reverse it. All this... _shit_ on the back is just that. He couldn't know measurable amounts of anything after the brain took over and tried to fix an imbalance. This isn't a switch. He had no way to undo this and if he tried he would more than likely have caused some chemical reaction in the brain that would have killed the test subject." Roy shook his head. "He was relying on the subject to find their way out of this, knowing it was a dream. If they refused to leave and embraced that fantasy than they were going to be lost. That was the summation of his defense when I questioned him. If he was trying to cure a soldier of reoccurring, debilitating nightmares, and they could not help themselves out of it...he wrote them off as a loss and then bragged about the State not having to pay for care for this individual any more. That they were too damaged to be of use to the Military anymore."

She took a deep breath. No wonder Roy took offense to Henry, no wonder he went after him with all the power he had. Roy had told her about Henry, vaguely, and mentioned this coin. How did she go so long in that dream world without making that connection? How was this coin not an obvious connection to that alchemist who was plotting against Roy for a week? What kind of bodyguard was she if she so easily dismissed information like that and took so long to remember this vital information that he had handed to her?

"Lieutenant, I don't want to rush you...but I have to know. How did you get out of this?" Roy asked.

"I had help." She admitted. Kimblee had told her the obvious, like he always did. Truth she couldn't see because she was too emotional. She shook her head, this could wait until later as right now he needed to know what happened so he could be knowledgeable about the situation she just gave him credit for seeing through. "Everyone I met gave me so much information, some useful...some not. In the end though, I believed I was capable of alchemy and I drew your array and manipulated oxygen concentration in order to force my body to react to the increase of oxygen. Override what was happening in my mind by threatening my own life. However, if I really did it...you would have felt it if you were holding me."

He heard the sadness, she had truly believed herself capable and that seemed to be what upset her the most. It tarnished her victory over this life-threatening alchemy. "You'd need to be conscious to activate an array, the energy needed has to come from the physical application of power. However I think you were right to believe in your ability, I always have known you could do it if you wanted to."

"I'm not a little girl anymore, Roy. You don't have to tell me you believe in me because nobody else will."

"Riza, look at the proof." Roy said and pointed at the coin. "You conquered this. This was not meant to be a maze with an exit and you made your own."

"It was a dream that I believed was real."

"It was a test that would have killed anyone else." He replied. "And as soon as you are ready we are starting alchemy lessons."

She rolled her eyes at that. "I told you years ago that I have no patience for that. Why spend years studying to start a fire when I could just strike a match and be done with it and spend my time getting real work done?"

"Well I made a promise to someone I love to not teach flame alchemy to anyone, so you're just going to have to come up with something else you want to do." He said and started to doodle a picture of her. "You can have oxygen manipulation without the spark I guess...I mean you already  _take my breath away._ "

He grinned and she couldn't help but smile at that. She wanted to say something but then laughed a little and walked back over to take her seat on the couch. How he always knew how to derail her bad trains of thought was unreal. "Let's get back to work, sir."

"Alchemy requires energy to complete the process, energy that comes from the body itself." Roy said. "It's always potential energy until it is set in motion, don't dismiss that you don't have the potential to do this."

"Do you want my report or my application for the State Alchemist program?" She asked as he sat there contemplating a way that she could have actually performed that transmutation without being physically able to.

"Anything is possible, just remember that Ed doesn't need to draw a circle at all. Philosopher's Stones circumvent the laws of equivalent exchange. Scar can deconstruct using just his one hand. There are always exceptions to the rules." Roy said. He knew she was telling him to move on, let her think she was just dreaming and the notion of her being an alchemist was silly, but he knew she had the ability if she ever wanted to tap into it. It pained him to see her doubt herself however, he could see her get uncomfortable because she was unsure about so much in this situation, so he let it go until later. "Sorry, continue with your report Lieutenant."


	22. Common Ground

Absent

**Chapter 22**

_Common Ground_

* * *

"You brought me the coin." Roy said, trying to get back on track. He looked down at the drawing of alchemist Riza in front of him and added some more details. Maybe he drew her boobs too big...nah. He was enjoying the story, "What happened next?"

"I knew you were going to start asking questions and I wasn't sure what was going on, so I excused myself. You followed me into the hall and I could tell you were going to try and take the coin and demand to know who I was. So...I told you I was just using it to get close to you and asked you out." She reported.

Roy stopped doodling. He smiled. " _You_  asked  _me_  out?"

"For coffee." She said and smiled. His good mood could be infectious. "You told me you were busy. Apparently you wanted to help Ed with his research more than get coffee with me."

"Other me is an absolute moron." Roy huffed. "I'm sorry, but no wonder he got killed."

She gave him a glare. That wasn't funny. The sight of him dead was going to haunt her for a while. However he wasn't looking at her, he was drawing. "I persisted and asked you out for dinner. You should have seen your blush and stammering. You were absolutely adorable."

Roy bit his lip and looked up at her. "In my defense you have never asked me out to dinner in a flirty manner before."

"I didn't say I flirted."

"You got that satisfied tone of voice that said, 'I flirted and you were putty in my hands'." Roy grinned and saw in her smile that it was exactly what happened. "I mean, it's  _your_  fantasy I certainly would be more than happy to accommodate you."

"Anyhow, I used that to get away from you so you couldn't get my name and call Hughes to find out I didn't work there. Or live there. Or belong there in any manner." Riza sighed. "I had to act quick to understand my situation before I was put on the spot to answer questions I didn't have answers to. I figured my best bet was to determine what happened to that version of me, why I wasn't there. Untimately instead of tracing my steps backwards, I just went back to the beginning of  _us_  to find out why we never met. So I called my hometown and found out I was still there and that I was an alchemist. When we had our dinner date you told me that you had gone to see my father when you were looking for a teacher, but he slammed the door in your face because you fixed the handrail instead of the tea set."

"And my Mom yelled at me for touching another man's China." Roy smirked with satisfaction. "Saved my life apparently."

Riza shook her head. Roy's commentary always made her smile. The way he could tell stories, the way he always made her feel at ease...it made this easier to relive and reiterate. "So you went looking for another teacher and found Van Hohenheim. You studied bio-alchemy with him and specialized in Bio-electricity because of Rockbell automail next door. "

"I got certified with that?" Roy asked incredulously.

"According to you, barely."

"As the guy who is currently in charge of that committee, I think I would have been lucky to get in the door for the written exam having listed that as my specialty. Not that I don't think it's a valuable science, but the military has no use for something they can outsource to the private sector and not utilize as a weapon. Sure there are automail techs, but a State Alchemist with bio-alchemy expertise outside a lab? What was I even doing in HQ?"

"Clearly not dating any woman." She said and he pouted.

"I was waiting on you." He said and winked. "I have high standards. Only perfection will do."

"Anyhow..." She said and looked back at her notepad to avoid reacting to his comments. "You thought that the coin was bio-electricity based. You though it interfered with synapses firing..."

"Oh my God, this other me was a complete idiot." Roy threw his pencil down and gestured at the paper. "Your subconscious thinks that I am complete incompetent, both alchemy and romantically. This has nothing to do with bio-electricity, just chemicals. Sure there is a small section here where it could be about stimulating the production of..."

"Sir!" She said and he looked up at her. It never failed to get his attention. "This is  _my_  subconscious and I was trying to make sense of a place I didn't belong and a coin that I had no idea about. It was my first thought and eventually you admitted it was the wrong one. Of course I thought you would have the answer so naturally I must have thought it would involve your specialty. This was a dream and all the information that was used in it was somewhere in my subconscious. It was a huge information dump, throwing out all kinds of options for me to sort through because that is the nature of this deep sleep. It's more vivid, it's more..complex. It's almost like you can't filter ideas before you speak them, everything is out there as plausible no matter how bogus the science or reasoning. It's...surreal. It's such a odd experience because you can _feel_ when things are right and  _know_  things without experiencing them as if you were reading a book...however you have to explore everything in order to get the information you need to put together this puzzle and you can't reach out past the unknown to get it. It's...tiring."

Roy nodded and saw her think about something. She gave him a questioning look.

"Is that what it's like for you?" She asked. Something Kimblee had said suddenly bubbled to the surface and she was curious. "As an alchemist. Is that what reality is like for you all the time?"

Roy leaned forward and thought about it. "Is that  _not_  what it's like for you?"

Riza was surprised by that answer. Never did she consider that he genuinely experienced the world differently than her. She had erroneously thought being an alchemist could be controlled like the alchemy, but it made sense that in order to use alchemy the alchemist had to change to see the world through different eyes. She had always known Roy operated on many levels of thought, but...all the time? "No."

"I don't think you give yourself enough credit, Riza." Roy said softly. "You may not be an alchemist in the sense that you have learned to assess the materials around you and know what you could use for a transmutation if needed...or pay attention to the wind movements based on how the flag is flying so you know the air resistance you will encounter if you need to manipulate oxygen...but you still see it all. You still look around a room to see the layout if you need to retreat or use furniture for defenses, changing shape to suit your needs. You still look at the skyline to see where a sniper might perch to take a shot and the wind resistance a bullet would encounter. You see what I see for different reasons. You just don't have a need to break it down to the molecular level, but you still see the world with more layers than most. It's why I believe you would be capable of performing alchemy if you wanted to. I see it in how you observe things."

"That's a product of paranoia from combat and my training as a sniper."

"It's occupational hazard if you will." Roy said. "You just chose a different occupation than me. However you still had all this when we first met to some degree. That damned muzzle loader of yours was temperamental as hell and you knew when the moisture content of the air would affect the black powder and reduce your odds of a shot going off. You knew how to compensate for the trajectory of the bullet due to wind. You taught me about using leaves and seed pods to determine where the wind was blowing. You trained for this, probably better than me. You used it practically, I practiced it."

She was once again overwhelmed as she realized something about herself she never considered before. Everything he said was true, but she never equated it with being on any level with the skills Roy had.

"To answer your question, I do see the world a little more intensely. I do constantly have information running through my head and it's impossible to make it stop." He reached out and grabbed his coffee cup from this morning. "I taste things...with intentions to determine the concentration of it's parts. I can tell when the ratio of coffee beans to water is off for the brew, if it's lightened with milk or cream...or if Breda used the goddamned sugar spoon again to mix his dumb breakfast drink and didn't wash it before returning it to the jar. It's not that it's something I can't turn off, it's not like it is in my dreams when everything increases in magnitude and I can almost taste emotions and feel the invisible, it's more like I  _want_ to know. I _need_  the information, I test myself with every opportunity to maintain my level of observation and improve. It's not seeing the world through tinted-glasses, it's seeing it in a higher definition and dimensional through a microscope or even a rifle scope. It's seeing more of it and truly seeing how beautiful and complex it really is."

It made sense and she looked at him and nodded her understanding. They exchanged glances and smiled as they felt the appreciation for that statement beyond words. They found some ground they had never covered in all the years together and found it to be  _common_  ground. She broke eye contact and looked back down at her report. There would be time for this later, the privacy they were enjoying would certainly not last forever. "In my dream, we went on a date."

"Where?" Roy asked. He wasn't going to let an opportunity slip by to see where she fantasized about going with him.

"That Bistro you and Hughes always go to for the quiche." She said. "And you kept feeding my dog under the table."

"He's a good boy." Roy looked over at Hayate who was taking a nap beside his owner's foot. "So you still had him in your dream?"

"I brought him with me...the puppy Fuery found in the dream world was named Blackie." Riza said. "You gave him to Elicia as a present so Hughes would have to take him. She named him Blackie and he was fat and spoiled and you carried pictures of your furry nephew in your wallet. You were pretty proud of that."

Roy snorted in amusement. "Ok, so maybe other me isn't a complete idiot. That's a pretty slick move. Hughes couldn't say no to her."

"At dinner you gave me your theory about the electric impulses..." She watched him shake his head in disappointment. "And we walked in the park and discussed the possibility of this coin as a weapon as well as why it felt like it was energized."

Roy cocked his head. No wonder she was being so protective of that thing. "The coin is...powered by something?"

"I think I was trying to explain why it shocked me when I first picked it up. Henry had to activate it when I touched it so I felt that charge of energy and spent awhile trying to focus on that event. Like I said it was an attempt to try and figure things out. We talked about how it could be made of philosopher's stone and you had no idea they were real. We talked about the war and you were blissfully unaware of what it had been like."

Roy raised his eyebrows. He wondered if maybe he really could have maintained that naivety of his youth into his adult years if he had not seen what happened during the war with his own eyes. The world outside of Ishval was unconcerned with what was happening in that desert and only gave it a few seconds thought when the evening news came on to report on progress. The government did a good job controlling information and when the soldiers returned they were reluctant to speak the truth. Everyone just wanted to move on. Still, he couldn't help but think this other version of him was a complete idiot. The signs of something awry were all around them, but perhaps you really had to have your eyes opened to see it. After the war there were things that could not be unseen. You worked hard to forget but it changed you and your perspective on everything and you couldn't close your eyes anymore.

"The war...it took a little longer to end and when I was looking at the newspapers in the library I came across casualty lists. People from your unit, people I had saved...all on there. The war didn't have a different outcome overall without us, but...people's lives still changed. You just didn't know what really happened but you had some idea that things were just not right in the government. Clearly you were not worried enough to be ultra careful. I was scared the coin was actually a weapon, that it had been left there to immobilize and kill and that the target was  _you_.  _Real you._ I wanted answers and you were really trying to give them to me but it all came back around to thinking the back of the coin was a transmutation circle that would reverse all this. I realized I had no choice and had to go home and ask myself."

"I'm sorry that fantasy me was a useless alchemist specializing in bio-electricity and couldn't help you." Roy said.

"You asked me out again and offered to send the boys to Central to research it for me." She said. "You were sweet and clearly really eager to have a second date.."

"Shocking."

She was going to have to hear about this Bio-electricity for a long time. Why her brain couldn't make him something even more spectacular she didn't know. "I went home...to Freneau. It went differently than expected. This other Riza, I thought she'd be my father, but she was resourceful and smart. She really saw things differently. She told me alchemy was a lot like the control I have when shooting but warned me about doing something that would affect the body."

Roy could tell there was more to that meeting than she was saying, just by watching her roll the pencil in her hand. He wouldn't push her, he knew when the time was right she would tell him if she wanted to.

"I returned to East City and no sooner did I think about trying to stay clear of HQ because of lunch hour do you spot me and ask me to lunch."

"I'm warming up to this other Roy a little. He's persistent, clearly knows a good thing when he sees it."

"You were taking the boys out to lunch so we had a chance to talk about the coin before our next date, that evening." She said and put her pencil down. "Ed and Al brought up some theories that were based on sleep studies that I believe I read while I was trying to deal with my issues sleeping. So the idea went from bio-electricity to chemicals and that the chemicals were manipulated to keep the victim in REM sleep and also paralyze the body so there would be no waking up from the outside influences."

"This was the work you were doing with your therapist?" Roy asked. He knew it was. Riza came home and shared the information from her sessions with him and he knew she was entertaining this avenue of therapy because of him. He couldn't seek help so she did it for him and had he known he would have stopped her. It would have been a mistake, because the sessions were doing her a lot of good as well. She approached it as science, and in doing so found a way to talk about it with him and also utilize it in her dream.

"Yes." She said. "And ultimately the concept of lucid dreaming was what allowed me to take control and leave the dream itself. The discussion at lunch with you, Ed and Al changed my direction of thinking, pointing out the connection to sleep. I was already working on the assumption this was some dream, but I don't think I understood that that was the actual malicious intent of the coin itself. So I had something to go on thanks to that. Unfortunately that's when things took a turn that made me understand how much my body and brain was fighting to overcome this induced sleep. It was trying to scare me awake."

Roy heard the fluctuation in her voice and resisted the urge to go over to the couch and put his arm around her. Her eyes were down, staring at the rug and Hayate was up and jumping onto her lap. This...was going to be the part where he died.

"You went to get the car and you had no idea that you were in any danger, that you were a target of any kind. Scar showed up." She tried to not recall that part, but it was so vivid that she ended up seeing it all over again. She took a deep breath and exhaled. She could feel the tears welling in her eyes, just thinking of him dying was enough to make her emotional. Her voice was already cracking. "You walked right into him and in an instant he melted your brain. I couldn't help you and my bullets did nothing to chase him off...all I could do was hold you and you were gone."

He gave up trying to remain strong and professional as soon as the first tear rolled down her cheek. He got up and walked over to her and her brown eyes lifted to look at him, eyes shimmering with tears ready to fall. He bent down and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead and whispered. "I'm right here. Nobody is taking me away from you without a fight. We're going on these dates together someday, you and me, I promise."

"Just don't die." She managed to say before the tears started to really fall.

"I have to eventually, but not before we accomplish everything we've set out to do.  _Everything_." He said and placed another kiss on her forehead. "I have a whole list of places in my little black book I want to take you and trust me that quiche place is not on it."

She wiped her eyes knowing this was his way of changing the mood so she could compose herself. Where he lead, she followed. "You go there all the time."

"So Hughes and I can moan about the quiche being 'creamy' and 'Just the kind of fluffy warm treat I love to have on my tongue.' The quiche at the academy was better and it was made with powered eggs." Roy smiled as she looked up at him. "We do it to screw with your grandfather who goes there to oogle the waitresses and make gross old man comments. So Hughes and I make a scene...with each other. Our performance is top-notch, that quiche is shit and should be used as mortar to patch the brick on the sidewalk."

"You two are unbelievable." She said and he pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket for her. Then she felt a smile form as she shook her head. He had succeeded in thwarting her emotional breakdown and went back over to his desk, afraid to linger beside her for too long.


	23. Revitalized

 

 

 

_Absent_

Chapter 23

**Revitalized**

* * *

She took a moment to compose herself and played with the handkerchief her gave her. His initials were embroidered on it and it smelled like his bedroom. There was more than one way to be close and take comfort in each other, his scent was unmistakable and calming and the embroidery was the same delicate stitch on his gloves. She found the strength to continue her story and rushed through it so she wouldn't dwell on the details. "Ed and Al fought Scar and by the time I left you where you fell...they were gone too. So it was just me and Scar. The nightmare outcome to that confrontation with him."

"You defeated him." Roy asked to keep the story moving. He heard the twinge of emotion threatening to make her voice crack. Seeing her upset hurt him and he didn't want to force her to focus on the details causing her distress.

"Well yes." She said with a smile. He said it as a statement not a question. His confidence in her was unwavering when hers was anything but. "Sort of."

Roy raised his eyebrow and smiled as she flattened the handkerchief out on the piece of paper on her lap and started to fold it.

"Scar was going to put his hand on my face and destroy me when I felt the heat of flames and saw his arm burn." Riza took a deep breath and ran her hand over the embroidered initials again. "I hoped it was you but the other Riza was the one who saved me. That other version of me who became an alchemist, she came to get more information from me and also exchange it for some help about books she sold. Scar ran off, we could hear the sirens and she pulled me out of the street tell me this was my brain trying to keep me going. It was a way to stop me from getting comfortable there, my brain trying to scare me with my fears...make me run and find an answer. So we left you all there...after I stole your watch and rank insignia so I could get in the National Library if I needed to."

"Well played." Roy said appreciatively. "Exactly what I would have wanted you to do."

She knew he'd respond that way. It still was a terrible feeling taking his identity from his body like that. Abandoning him. It took strength she didn't think she had and that strength came from the other version of her. She could still feel that pain, that hopelessness and ache from seeing him lifeless on the ground. She wanted to go over now and run her hands over Roy's chest, feel it rise and fall with the breath of life and the beating of a heart that was bleeding for her right now. She wanted to hug him, hold him tight and feel his warmth and breathe. She closed her eyes, she couldn't afford to be weak now. She decided to skip over the details about the team arriving, about her fear of Hughes hunting her down. "I brought the other me to the bookstore and she found a book that she felt would help me. Then we left for Central to find a book she sold because of a quote she had found about dreams, the benzene ring and the Ouroborus."

Roy's eyebrows raised and he leaned over his desk anxious to hear the details. The mention of Kekulé's Dream excited the alchemist in him, especially coming from the lips of the woman he loved and hated to bore with his excited ramblings about chemistry and science. "I'll be damned. That's a hell of a connection to make. Was it relevant?"

She smiled as she heard the excited inflection in his voice and the squeak of his chair as he leaned over his desk, interested piqued. She finished folding his handkerchief and looked up at him, his face trying to hide the excitement at this new turn in her story. Nevermind that she had just told him that he had been killed. "As we drove to Central our new theory became about studies regarding shell shock, that the military could be using dreams as a therapy for soldiers as well as a potential way to help scientists and officers become more productive. The Benzene Ring dream was as an example of how a waking mind will censor and dismiss ideas that a dream state would happily explore despite it's absurdity. Quite honestly I have no idea how that Ouraborus story came up, other than it tying into my current problem, so I just assumed it to be another false lead."

"We talked about Mr. Henry's research a little, you and I, how he was going to pitch his idea to the board as a way to increase productivity in personnel...but the Benzene ring connection to the Ouroborus? Riza that is absolutely brilliant." Roy said. He didn't hide his admiration in his expression, there was no need to hide that from anyone here and she needed to see it. She never ceased to surprise him.

"I would like to give myself credit for it however it wasn't until we got to the library that it was all processed." She said and Roy continued to smile at her and she couldn't help but feel some warmth from it. "I went in there looking for books, trying to find similar transmutation circles and research that indicated the military was trying to fix broken soldiers and get more production out of everyone else, but I found something else. It's really hard to put into words how vivid and detailed everything was. I had so much time to think and so much information available to me to do it with. Everything I ever overheard, read, learned or just thought about briefly was all very much on the same equal plane. It became less about asking for the right answer and more about having to find the right answer in a sea of information. I had to concentrate on what I knew was fact and use it to distinguish between what could help and what was just being thrown at me as noise."

"It really is exactly how it is for us as alchemists." Roy said with a smile, he felt bad that he was more engrossed in the story and the though process behind it all. The Riza he never knew was lurking in the shadows waiting to be discovered, encouraged and coaxed to the light. He felt guilty now that he never saw all this hiding behind Riza's encouragement during his studies. She had absorbed everything and he had failed her as well because he never gave her the chance to be more than a study mate. "So the library, was a bit overwhelming?"

"Remember when Ed described the gates of Truth to us? The huge door in that white room with the 'little grinning bastard'?" She asked.

"Sure." Roy replied. Ed had even drawn it for them.

"Well those ridiculous doors to the Alchemist library,  _those_  were my gates of Truth. I believed the answers to everything would be behind those doors I never was allowed to go through." She sighed. "And I met Truth."

Roy sat up straight and waited. The way she said it was not the happy contented sigh of enlightenment and understanding, but one of annoyance with herself. He hoped it wasn't going to be her father. God please, let it be anyone but him. "Who was it?"

"Solf Kimblee"

Roy leaned back in his chair and clenched his fist. Well that was definitely worse than Berthold Hawkeye. His delight in the story was gone and now he was just angry. "That bastard has no right to pass judgment over you and never did."

"It's my brain, and his words still haunt me to this day." She admitted. "Since you were absent from the war, he became the Hero of Ishval. He also became Basque Grand's right hand man in Central and policed the roster at the receptionist's desk at the library. He must have spent his spare time reading everything in there. However the most important thing was that he was there as my version of Truth and I had no choice in the matter."

"And he was helpful?" Roy asked skeptically.

"Yes." She said. "He told me the truth in Ishval that I didn't want to hear and in all honesty he is the one I think of when I question if I have strayed off my path. So naturally he was a fear that had to show up and a person who ultimately I did not want to hear from. However...there he was."

Roy could tell this was the part where she was having to select what she told him and he understood the reasons why now. If they were words from Kimblee's mouth they were certainly not without sharp edges. This would be something they could talk about in detail tonight because he was sure the there was still residual splatter from whatever came out of Kimblee's mouth. God he hated that man! Roy heard a bang in the outer office and sighed, Ed had arrived. It would have to wait no matter what. "Well, Ed's fine. Might not be after he gets in here."

Riza stood up in anticipation of the door to Roy's office being flung open. She also wanted to make sure the handkerchief and coin were properly secured in her trouser pockets. She would have to make sure she returned it to him as soon as possible, the last thing she needed right now was to have a personal item of Roy Mustang's in her pants.

"Where is the Colonel!?" Came the familiar voice shouting from outside the doors. Roy rolled his eyes.

Riza turned to the door as it flew open and Ed burst into the room, Al following behind him slightly embarrassed by his brother's lack of decorum. Despite it being behavior that she normally would admonish them for, she was warmed to her core by the sight of the boys alive and well. Ed's eyes locked onto Roy, marched past her and waved a menacing fist at his superior. She wanted to stop him but Ed was already in battle mode so she went over to the office door and closed it so they could do this in some semblance of privacy.

"If you ever have me hauled in like a criminal again..." Ed fumed. "I'll drag your ass out from behind that desk and..."

"I made the call, Ed." Riza interrupted and turned back to the confrontation. This was her doing and she could deal with it. She needed to defuse the situation quickly, Roy was not in the most stable emotional mood right now and he would have a short fuse.

Roy watched Ed's face go from outright rage to confusion. The kid just let his clenched fish fall to the desk with a light thud as he tried to recalculate his stance here. Roy leaned over the desk and loomed over him, making sure to put the kid in his shadow before he told Ed just how lucky he was to be on Hawkeye's mind after what she went through. "The Lieutenant was attacked by an alchemist today and wanted to make sure you were both safe without alerting all of East City as to why."

Al turned to Hawkeye and looked her over. There was no outward sign of any struggle or injury. Still, his voice cracked with worry as he asked, "You were attacked? Are you OK?"

Ed turned to her and was surprised to see her smile and hands reach out to touch his shoulder and Al's arm. His anger dissipated and in that moment the gentle touch made him feel like a child again, looking up at his Mom in the garden and basking in the warmth of the sun, her smile and love. It was a sharp contrast to the moment earlier, as he struggled to make sense of the situation in the Colonel's shadow and cold glare. Then it hit him that someone tried to take her away too.

"I'm fine. " Riza said just couldn't stop smiling at them. Alive and well. She was amazed at how overwhelming this feeling was, seeing them  _alive._

"Who attacked you? Was it because of something we did?" Ed asked softly. If an alchemist went after her and she was worried about them, it seemed the only connection.

"We were just getting to that part of the debriefing before you interrupted." Roy said and watched as Riza left her hand on Al's arm and the other on Ed's shoulder to make sure they were real. The boys both melted under her touch, allowing themselves to be teenagers for a brief second and appreciate that an adult that cared about them and was concerned for their safety.

Ed looked to the closed door and decided that it meant they were invited to stay and listen to this as well. "If this son of a bitch is still out there..."

"He's been apprehended." Riza assured him.

"And I need the Lieutenant's statement in order to interrogate him when Hughes arrives." Roy looked up at the clock. "Which should be within the hour."

Riza made her way back over to the couch, picked her file up and sat down. She smiled when Ed and Al joined her, flanking her and surrounding her in a protective circle. Hayate came over and sat down on her feet. She could see Roy fidget, annoyed that the boys could come over and be beside her when he couldn't, but she really appreciated their close proximity right now. She had spent too long in that dream struggling with what was real and what was not and to  _feel_  the presence of people she cared about beside her, the weight of a dog laying on her feet and the eyes of the man she loved still afire with life...it was the reassurance she needed to know she was truly experiencing this and everyone was fine.


	24. Deconstruction

 

 

_Absent_

Chapter 24

**Deconstruction**

* * *

Roy cleared his throat, "Lieutenant, please continue."

Riza now had to determine how much more of the story she could tell with the boys here. She looked to both of them and they were waiting for her to speak, waiting to be of some help to her and hear that this was not in any way their fault. Then she looked to Roy and locked eyes with him, because to tell the rest of the story she had to share _their_ past. He had to consider this already when he asked her to continue, but she had to raise an eyebrow at him to confirm he understood what that entailed.

"Go ahead." Roy answered the silent question. He knew they were coming to the end and with it the explanation of her escape. That meant alchemy; That meant  _Flame Alchemy_. The decision was hers, it always had been.

Riza could feel Ed's body shift on the couch as he looked at them both and tried to figure out what was going on. She pulled the coin from her pocket and once again the couch cushions sank as both boys leaned over her to see the treasure she held in her hand. She understood now what was going through their heads, how much information they were trying to process as they looked at the coin to determine what it did and how it worked. "There is an alchemist who was rejected for the certification test who was determined to try and get back at the Colonel for denying him his chance to show off his work."

Ed's opened his mouth to say something but he closed it immediately. This was the man's work,  _a coin_  with his array on it. It was brilliant to use a coin as a transmutation circle and he wondered how he had never seen this technique before. As much as he wanted to marvel at the delivery system, it was the information on it, the combination of chemical manipulations that made him ask cautiously, "What...was his research on?"

"It puts the victim in a chemically induced coma." Roy answered. He knew he had his choice of words that could have kept this conversation unbiased, like subject or patient, but he wanted to make it very clear this coin was a weapon. He was under no obligation to pass along the same bullshit Henry had spewed at him when pitching his idea in front of the certification board. This was now evidence, evidence in the attack on Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye and would be treated as such. "It was being marketed to the military as a way to fix insomnia and nightmares and increase productivity in soldiers."

Ed and Al were silent as they digested that and then Al finally spoke, "That's incredibly dangerous and certainly could be misused."

"And it was." Riza said and the boy's reacted with a mixture of horror and confusion. She felt them retreat a little now, the cushions settled back to the sides of the couch as memories of another alchemist who had gone too far surged to the forefront of their minds. Why was it always like this? Why did alchemy always yield results at a cost that was far greater than anticipated? "It was how I was attacked."

Ed looked to Mustang and said incredulously, "You...reversed this? You took a chance like that and put the Lieutenant's life at risk?"

"Edward, you must be new here." Roy said simply. "The Lieutenant is perfectly capable of saving herself."

Al tilted his head. "You overcame this alchemy? How?"

"I had to find my way out of the dream that I was in. The coin put me in a deep sleep, but my mind was still very active and I was able to work my way out of it. With your help, actually. All of you." Riza said and took a deep breath. "All the alchemy you have studied, all the research you have shared...everything I have ever been a part of in my life helped me find my way out. I had to comprehend that the reality I was in wasn't real. Then you all helped me deconstruct it all with the knowledge you have shared with me over the years. Ultimately I was able to leave that dream because of it."

"How?" Ed asked. "Did you use alchemy?"

"I thought I did." Riza rubbed the coin on her leg. She wasn't sure how to explain this part to herself, more or less the audience hanging on her next words. How did she say she was a fool for believing she was capable of using alchemy? "I never told you two that my father was an alchemist did I?"

Roy watched them react with surprise and felt his own tension begin to creep into his shoulder muscles and jaw. It was Riza's choice to share her history with whoever she wanted, he just always worried it would open up a vulnerability for her. This wasn't about him, this was about protecting the secrets she had worked so hard to keep. However, he knew keeping them bottled up was sometimes more debilitating than the perceived risk. If she needed the boys to know, she was going to tell them. He placed his elbows on the desk and clasped his hands together to give him something to rest his chin on. A way to keep himself still and in the background.

"Did he specialize in this kind of alchemy?" Al asked.

Riza smiled. They were always trying to get ahead of things, see the future before it happened. Alchemists always. However now that the opportunity was here, now that she could easily tell them the secret that burdened her and Roy, she hesitated. She looked at Roy, he had folded his hands again and held them in from to his mouth to try to hide his micro-expressions. His head was tilted so his hair covered his eyes and brow so she couldn't see a twitch of anything there. He wasn't trying to hide from her, it was an attempt to try to remove himself from this decision process because he knew she read him so well. He didn't want the boys to know, that was a given, but it was because he truly believed they were safer not knowing. Safer not getting attached. The lives of Roy Mustang and Riza Hawkeye, _their_  history, did nothing to advance the Elrics cause. It wasn't about the knowledge, it was about the information that wasn't pertinent to their mission. She understood it now because of everything that had tried to suffocate her in the dream that wasn't relevant and only served to muddy the waters. "No."

Roy tilted his head up slightly and looked into her eyes. There was something in her voice that told him their secret would remain as such, something that said she understood his motives. It was a relief that she understood him now, understood why he was so selective with what he told these two. Ed wanted to save everyone, his journey would take forever if he stopped to help everyone he came across, and Al didn't have forever.

"I have had alchemy in most of my life and had access to it in my dream because I absorbed all of it." Riza said. "The fundamentals of alchemy are the same no matter what specialty you choose."

"That's how you were able to figure out what happened to you in that dream and work your way out of it's hold?" Al asked. He wasn't sure if the knowledge of Hawkeye having an alchemy background excited him or if it was the fact that she had used alchemy to rectify a wrong. They had taken too many hits on their beliefs lately.

"Yes." She replied. She watched Roy relax a little. Then she added, "The Colonel prepared me for this attack as he suspected Mr. Henry was capable of retaliation. Perhaps that seed of knowledge was enough to keep me searching for the truth. I didn't realize how much I knew about alchemy, it helped me comprehend my predicament and deconstruct that reality from within."

Roy bit his lip, hard. He hated that she was continuing with attributing this victory to him when had had nothing to do with her brilliance in overcoming this alchemy. He could see Ed startle a little at the news and his golden eyes look over at him with something that seemed like awe. Like he was a damned soothsayer instead of a useless asshole who was going to sit here and take credit for something he didn't do. What he did do was put Riza directly in the line of danger and he'd never forgive himself for that. However the story was hers to tell and he was obligated to go with it for fear of repercussions against her.

"If you didn't have this information, you could still be in this coma." Al said and looked at the Colonel appreciatively before looking back at the coin. This was complex and terrifying, but the Lieutenant overcame it. "This alchemy is terrible, trapping people in their own bodies and making them question what is real."

Roy's eyes shifted to Al, there was a twinge of  _something_  in his voice. A sound of a young soul who carried something heavy on his shoulders. Knowledge a kid shouldn't have to speak about from experience.

"Luckily I had all of you." Riza replied. "In this dream I went to you all for help and you helped me work through the problem so that I could figure out not just what happened to me but who was responsible."

"Something happened though." Al said. "Or else you wouldn't have had the entire military out looking for us."

Riza nodded and she had to close her eyes because the memories can flooding back. Fake memories but so  _damned_  real. Hayate jumped up on her lap and when she opened her eyes she could see Roy half out of his seat and both boys had moved closer to her. "Yes..a fear of mine was the the fight with Scar played out differently and it did. I lost all of you."

"Destroy that thing and all of his research." Ed said quickly.

"Brother!"

"Al!" Ed snapped. "We've come across too many instances of alchemy being used for unethical reasons and this is no different than that fake philosopher's stone Cornello had. Misleading people, making them believe that the answers are so easily fixed with a transmutation circle and abandoning them in the aftermath of it all. Don't you see how inviting this sounds? To sleep, to sleep and live in your dreams and then have it turn against you?"

"Actually I do." Al said.

Ed looked up at his brother and felt the pain of that statement. Was...that how he felt about his blood seal? Trapped in a body by alchemy and struggling to understand what was real? God... _it was_. And here he was declaring someone elses attempt to do the same was too much power, too much pain. He had no idea how to respond.

Riza reached over and held Ed's good hand. Ed had talked to her about his nightmares and she had in turn shared the techniques she was trying to use on herself to help him. He relived that night he tried to bring back his Mom, over and over, complete with the pain of losing limbs, his brother and seeing the creature he made. She reached over and held Al's for the same reason, because he had told her what it was like to never sleep. To see his brother fight demons in his sleep and never had any rest himself because he didn't feel real. "The research is all out there, destroying the coin or his work won't stop the inevitable. I understood the science behind all this because of my own issues sleeping, and I was able to wake myself from it because of the practice of lucid dreaming. I understand it could be a weapon, and it was used as one against me, but I think the focus should be on finding a way to reverse this because of all the people I know...you three can do it."

"Lieutenant.." Roy finally decided to contribute. He could see the gravity of a decision like this weighing on everyone in front of his eyes. In instances like this it was best to look at the worst case scenario. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I agree with Ed."

Al freed his hand from Hawkeye's grasp and slammed his hands on his knees and startled them all. He huffed. "Well I don't. We're alchemists, we know that some of the most incredible discoveries come from other people's failures. Isn't that what our journey is about, brother? Or should we just wipe off my blood seal now because we preformed the taboo and used alchemy for the most selfish of reasons?"

"Al..." Ed was still at a loss for words, not sure weather to be furious at himself for being so blind about his brother's condition or angry that he had no idea how to comfort or reassure him that he'd make this right.

"No! Seeing alchemy used for the wrong reasons has been an awakening for us. We used to think it was the answer to everything and we have found out it's the cause of so many problems. However we don't just walk away, we fix them. We find better answers. That's what alchemy is about. Destroying the evidence is a setback for science and you  _both_  should be ashamed of yourselves for even suggesting it!"

Riza saw both Roy and Ed slump a little, admitting defeat. "As terrible as it was so see this alternative reality, it opened my eyes to a lot of things. I hate to admit it, but it really did help me come to terms with a lot I had buried deep in the back of my mind. I know you are both upset, and want to attack the thing that hurt me...however it really did serve it's purpose. A poison is a lot less of a threat when there is an antidote. So perhaps finding a way to reverse this would be the way to remove some of the danger."

"I guess..." Ed started and stopped. "I lost sight of that and just reacted to the fact it was used against you."

Riza looked over at Roy. If Ed could admit he was wrong, he  _better_  do the same.

"I also..." Roy said and paused as Ed looked up at him. "Had a hard time looking past the fact that this was a weapon used against you."

Riza watched Roy fold his hands and rest them under his chin and smile. Then he heard something in the outer office and frowned. Someone else had arrived and she was happy for the interruption before these three could convince themselves to do something rash. She stood , put the coin in her pocket and walked to the office door to open it, Hughes had arrived.


End file.
